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December 1, 2018

Secondhand Smut #9: The Filthy Dump

Dark Dreams (1971)

Director Roger Guermantes’ (whoever he may be) feature is about a newlyweds Jack (Harry Reems, no introduction needed) and Jill (Tina Russell, again no introduction needed) that on their way to their honeymoon get involved with a bunch of hippies that are supposedly performing black magic rituals and loads of sexual encounters ensue.

The screenplay by one Canidia Ference (who is also credited as the producer) is pure pulp book-like gold, the cinematography by Werner Hlinka [camera operator of Teenage Tramp (1973)] is stunning (I believe that the film was shot on 35mm), and the score by Charles Morrow [composer of the additional music in Altered States (1980)] is – simply put – fantastic, so this is definitely one that you should not miss.

It all ends predictably with a gang rape, but before that you should look out for an interracial sex scene between star Harry Reems and June Dulu, which is something that wasn’t that common in 1971.

November 1, 2018

Secondhand Smut #8: Analog Repulsion

The present installment of your favorite dirty column was inspired by The Films of Jess Franco, a collective book edited by Antonio Lazaro-Reboll and Ian Olney, which although it adds no new information or trivia, it does analyze the shit out what we already know; a great academic work that should be purchased by all connoisseurs of erotic cinema. But without further ado, on with the reviews!

The Image (1975)

Jean [Carl Parker from The Score (1974), which was reviewed in this column’s previous installment] and Claire (Marilyn Roberts) seduce Anne [Rebecca Brooke from Confessions of a Young American Housewife (1974)] into the world of BDSM and indulge into a series of erotic games that include everything, from whipping to chaining, and from feet licking to pissing.

Also known as The Punishment of Anne and The Mistress and the Slave this was directed by adult film auteur Radley Metzger (who also penned the screenplay, based upon the same-titled novel by Catherine Robbe-Grillet) and it aims high. Featuring the gorgeous cinematography of Robert Lefebvre (this was his last credit) and an impressive soundtrack, it rarely disappoints.

Sure, it may not be as good as, say, the similar The Story of O (1975) and the neo-noir approach of the voiceover is quite heavy-handed, but this is still a masterpiece and it must be seen by all connoisseurs of classic adult cinema.

October 29, 2018

Movie Review: Cinema Paradiso (1988)

Directed by Giuseppe Tornatore

Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

Salvatore Di Vita, or "Toto" lives with his mother in his small Sicilian fishing village. His father mysteriously absent, Toto looks to the kindly, grandfather-like figure of Alfredo (Philippe Noiret) for a male role model. The town’s film projectionist for the town’s sole movie theater, the titular Cinema Paradiso, Alfredo instills a love of movies in the young boy. The theater plays a vitally important role in the local community. Cutting across political and religious beliefs, the townspeople treat the theater as an important gathering place where they can all get down to the very serious business of watching movies. The small but humble theater has its vocal detractors: As some of the less tolerant villagers point out, motion pictures forms a gateway desire to life beyond their regional way of life, but this attitude fails to turn them against purchasing tickets. There is a price to pay for all this artifice, as a fire tears through the theater and leaves Alfredo blind. Toto remains at Alfredo’s side as an avid helpmate, until he is counseled by Alfredo as a young man on the way to college to pursue his dreams away from the village. Later in life as a successful filmmaker, Toto returns to the cinema, now in ruins, to unearth a hidden reel of film that is almost too heart-breakingly poignant to watch ...

October 1, 2018

Secondhand Smut #7: Living Dead Format



 Your favorite dirty column, Secondhand Smut, is back and will be reviewed random old porn with no particular order or reason; just for your eyes only. The column’s return was inspired after the author read Pete Chiarella’s A Whole Bag of Crazy: Sordid Tales of Hookers, Weed, and Grindhouse Movies. And another noteworthy book that recently came to my attention was flesh trade: tales from the uk sexual underground, in which writer Bruce Barnard goes on a mission to explore as much of the British-based sex work as possible; I liked the journey, but not its conclusion. But anyway, without further ado, let’s dive deep into the film reviews.

Butterflies (1975)

Denise (Swedish starlet Marie Forsa) is terminally bored by her unexciting life in the country where she lives with her equally unexciting boyfriend and decides to leave all that behind, go to the big city and make it to the luxurious and exciting world of fashion modeling. It is there that she meets club owner Frank (Harry Reems, no introduction needed) and the two fall in love, until the lady is disappointed when she finds out that her rich man is a womanizer.

Written and directed by Joseph W. Sarno (again, no introduction needed), this comes (quite expectedly, to be honest) with stunning camerawork and impressive visuals, but its soap opera-like plot is tiresome and the end result is ultimately boring. Watch out for a hilarious sex scene in which Reems pounds in fast forward!

September 21, 2018

Movie Review: Singularity (2017)

Okay, Moyers. I’m drunk and ready to view this movie. It better be as terrible as you said.

(SPOILERS AHOY because, basically, I can’t be bothered to filter through the entirety of this shitsack to protect you from ruining the story - you’ll thank me later. Oh yes, you’ll thank me.)

Singularity is about VA Industries, which creates a bunch of robots for human use (read: military) to stop all wars. Riiiiiight. Trouble is, the CEO of VA, Elias Van Dorne (John Cusak) has a breakthrough: Kronos. Kronos is Van Dorne’s AI creation that will save humanity from itself. Riiiiiiight.

Eventually, Kronos realizes that humanity can go eat a bag of dicks and, therefore, must destroy it, so the world will have a better chance of survival. After Elias downloads himself and his bro into Kronos, making the most awkward three-way EVAR, Kronos kills everyone.

Well, almost everyone. 97 years later... As in every single other man-vs-machine film, there are small bands of survivors scrabbling out a living, killing each other to steal supplies, or trying to reach Aurora, the last stronghold of humans that aren’t total dick knockers.

September 1, 2018

Static Age #1

Static Age (named after The Misfits’ song about television is a new column in which I will be talking to you about all sorts of genre television.) Each installment will start with its spotlight in some classic or not-so classic title that doesn’t get the love it deserves and I had neglected seeing so far. Then we’ll proceed on discussing more recent shows. And in the end, we’ll be chatting about all sorts of random stuff, from mainstream film to film books. I hope you enjoy!

This Static Age’s spotlight goes to the 1st (and only) season of RoboCop: Prime Detectives (2000) which is essentially four one hour and a half movies, and whilst their satire is welcome, its predictions did not prove very accurate, while the special effects have not aged very well. Often, the soundtrack is reminiscent of westerns. However, it contains a lot of action and it is much better than what people have told you.

I also managed to catch up with the following recent shows…

The 2nd season of Peaky Blinders (2013 – present) find the same-named Birmingham gang and its leader Thomas Shelby (Cillian Murphy) coming up against with “bigger fish” as their reputation reaches London.

The 1st season of Narcos (2015 – present) is about the real-life story of infamous smuggler Pablo Escobar (played here in excellence by Wagner Moura) who used to make a lot of money smuggling a variety of goods, but really made millions when he started exporting cocaine from Columbia to the United States of America. I am a scholar of the real-life case of Escobar, and rarely have I seen a TV show being so true to the facts (real news photos and videos from the era are employed as well, making for a peculiar blend) while also remaining very entertaining.

August 1, 2018

A Binge Too Far #1: American Ninja


Welcome to A Binge too Far, the new column that was named after my favorite A Bridge too Far (1977), and which will be presenting you each time with film-by-film reviews of classic (and some not so classic) franchises or movie series which I had neglected seeing so far. Without further ado, let’s start with American Ninja.
 
American Ninja (1985)

Joe (action movie legend Michael Dudikoff, in a role that was originally intended for Chuck Norris) is a soldier of many pseudonyms and an obscure past, of which he cannot remember much as at some point he had lost his memories. However, what he remembers clearly is his martial arts skills that will help him get a lot of opponent ninja butt kicked.

During an armed hold-up and attempt kidnapping of Patricia Hickock (Judie Aronson) Joe alone manages to save the girl from the hands of evil guerillas and as much evil ninjas, which only serves to generate the awe and hatred of the master ninja (Tadashi Yamashita) who now seeks for revenge.

Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus now legendary Cannon Films, this is one of their most famous actioners, and although it wasn’t the one that kick-started the 1980s ninja craze, it was one of the pivotal films from that particular cinematic movement that crossed other markets as well.

Directed by renowned action film director Sam Fistenberg, this is as misogynist as were the 1980s, but you won’t be able to help it but feel charmed by the cheesy dialogues and the awesome ninja and shootout action (more than 110 people die onscreen).
 

July 31, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Skyscraper (2018)

Dwayne Johnson and Neve Campbell fight extortionists in the world's tallest building as it burns.

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July 30, 2018

Movie Review: Year of the Comet (1992)

Directed by Peter Yates

Movie review by Greg Goodsell

in•sip•id, (inˈsipid), Adjective: insipid. Lacking flavor. Synonyms: Tasteless, flavorless, bland, weak, wishy-washy; Unappetizing, unpalatable. Lacking vigor or interest. Synonyms: unimaginative, uninspired, uninspiring, characterless, flat, uninteresting, lackluster, dull, drab, boring, dry, humdrum, ho-hum, monochrome, tedious, uneventful, run-of-the-mill, commonplace, pedestrian, trite, tired, hackneyed, stale, lame, wishy-washy, colorless, anemic, lifeless

Margaret Harwood (Penelope Ann Miller) is a young, industrious wine fanatic worked to the bone by her father’s rare wine company. At an exclusive wine tasting event, she meets cute with wisecracking American wastrel Oliver Plexico (Tim Daly). Finally given the chance to prove her acumen by securing a rare, $1 million dollar bottle of wine in Scotland. As fate would have it, Plexico is assigned to be her factotum on the mission and so the chance for romantic sparks fly ever upward. Ever suave and villainous Philippe (Louis Jordan) and his henchmen want that bottle as well, and so efforts to transport the flagon hit various rough patches.

July 24, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - GLOW: Season 2 (2018)

The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling return in a season filled with new relationships, turmoil, and some twists and turns for our favorite wrestlers.

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July 4, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - My Friend Dahmer (2017)

Kevin and Dalyn discuss the biopic of high schooler Jeffrey Dahmer as told by friend and graphic novel author Derf Backderf.

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June 26, 2018

Movie Review: Beyond the Gates (2016; Destroy All Entertainment; Shout/Scream Factory)


…OK, then. This next beauty on the lot…just know will appeal to one’s embraced nostalgic fervor…yes indeed, my fine folks, we have this finely restored ‘80’s model…very unconventional looking, though absolutely perfect, for one who appreciates that which suggests a measure of weathered, low-brow independent sylye…as opposed to slick, polished and princely…and not-totally-abandoned-nor-forgotten obscurity, once having meandered in a bygone age of excess. Why, just look at that wildly imaginative, albeit random array of curves, corners and points…that varied and eclectic pallet of bleached, though still madly vibrant and contrasting colors, shades & hues. There’s no mistaking it…absolutely screams ‘80’s, doesn’t it?? Hell, yes…feel free to kick the tires…really, aren’t they oh-so uncompromising…so unyielding, and yet, measurably restrictive and reserved, in the sense that they know very well what they are and aren’t capable of. Oh, and by all means, please…feel free to step inside, and take a seat. Yes, take a deep and elating whiff of that interior…that distinctly familiar and provocative air of a time when opportune and spontaneous chances taken…were daring, unconventional, and oh-so imaginatively pretentious…

…it may not be an actual 80’s original, but in pulling out all of our trump cards,…dammit to all hell...uh, quite literally, that is...we’re gonna convince you that it is

…and so, considering all that…uh, do we have a deal…Hmmmmm!!! (…with widened fiery eyes, and gnarled hands wringing…over, and over, and over again…); oh yes, please think about it…

…and yes, folks...we are going someplace with this, be rest assured...heh, heh, heh...

June 24, 2018

Movie Review: Tales from the Campfire (2017; Night of Terror Films)


…ya’ know?? This able-scribing reviewer…nay, even more so, this ardent devotee of the cinema macabre and fantastique…hath seen it hundreds of times. Uh, no…not the rather cool lil’ movie, which will momentarily get a sweep of keenly focused and illuminating spotlight, herein. Rather, we’re talking the multitude of times having been in the attentive audience of special screening personal appearances, movie-based lecture events and film convention forums…the film stars, the genre writers, the directors, the filmmakers and behind-the-scenes contributors…often times, once fans themselves, and now embracing their own fans…with the unrelenting gauntlet of varied questions asked by eagerly inquisitive forum attendees…’what was it like, working with (fill in the blank)’…’how did you manage to…’…’what are (you) doing now/what are (you) doing next?’…and so on…

…and time & time again…from the more ambitious few in the audience…the same, if not similar question of ‘…if I wanted to get started, how would I get started…how could I get my stuff out there??’ And without missing a beat…to a varying degree, the seasoned response is almost always, ‘…really?? Just get out there and do itdon’t be afraid of taking the chance, given an unswerving passion, and a respectable measure of resources…even the smallest and unpolished projects, given one’s heart and passion, may be well enough to get the ball rolling…even towards something bigger…’…or well, something along those lines…

June 10, 2018

Movie Review: 21st Century Serial Killer (2013)

Holy shit, folks. A Chemical Burn Entertainment film that DIDN’T make me want to vomit, take a cat-o-nine tails to my back before swimming through an Olympic-sized pool filled with lemon juice, or gouge out my own eyes? Did...did the apocalypse happen? Has everyone been raptured and I missed it?

I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!

21stCentury Serial Killer is about Aaron, a milquetoast every guy who has a big dream -  to be a serial killer. Mostly it’s about being famous, being remembered. He tries to emulate some of the greats - Gacy, Bundy, Son of Sam - but there’s just one problem. He can’t even kill a fly, let alone a human being.

Eventually he meets a girl, settles down, and begins the routine life of a Post Office employee. While he still struggles with his murderous desires, a real serial killer is plaguing his town. With everything he’s studied over the years, Aaron tracks the killer before the cops catch him. Their chance meeting sets Aaron on the path to his dreams.

May 9, 2018

Movie Review: Terrifier (2016; Epic Pictures/Dread Central)


 …man, for the life of this reviewer…can’t understand what it is about clowns of late, that get the average folks out there, so damned riled up, unnerved and chilled to the bone. Really…just because a wayward, pasty-faced clown with crusty-stained dental work, bent into an evilly gleeful grimace, and carrying a loaded lawn-sized trash bag, loaded with gawd-knows-what, stands & stares intently and motionless on the corner…street light flicker, barely illuminating his ghastly visage…doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s about to get…er, naughty

…just because our hapless and merry fellow, decked out and dressed in oversized mud-crusted shoes, a saggy, jester-like & color-contrasting get-up, and a teeny-tiny black Oliver Hardy bowler hat, steps in, sits down across…speechlessly staring, and smiling with glistening, blackened lips…then without warning, reaches over, grabs your hand, and places a costume vending machine ring on your ring finger, as if to propose…doesn’t exactly make him an unnerving, smiley pervert…

May 4, 2018

Movie Review: Ramen Heads (2017; Netzgen Productions)


…yeah, I know what y’all are probably thinking. “Ramen?? Really!! A movie about ramen??” From a ‘domestic shores’ point of view…yeah, one might suppose that the subject of ramen…for most herein, an ‘instant’ vision of one’s grocery store isle, packed and stacked with ordinary ‘three, sometimes four for a dollar’ packaged instant soup noodles, each accompanied by a foil packet of heavily salted flavor powder, comes to mind (…and oh, how the respected nutritionist soothsayers just love to emote finger-shaking ‘shame-shame’ verbiage of dissuasion, as far as the gross dietary detriment of consuming this simple, albeit wholly processed food staple)…might seem merely that…'simple', by definition…

…OK, fair enough, right??

…with right hand raised in absolute swear-mode…left hand on the heart…yes, this reviewer shamelessly, yes proudly proclaims and admits…at least, from a urban ‘big city white boy’ perspective…”I am a Ramen Head!!” Been known to throw caution to the wind…boil up two, even three of those square-ish packages at a time…liberally seasoning those bad boys up, and slurping those puppies down like a human Hoover (…and ‘slurping’ is most assuredly the mindfully prerequisite and applicable term when eating ramen, as will be reiterated later). Given a little more creative motivation, present company even goes so far as deliciously supplementing the noodles with chicken, pork, egg, cabbage, cilantro, parsley, onion, bean sprouts, bamboo, or whatever might trip my (amateur culinary) tibia at the time…

May 3, 2018

Movie Review: Almost Invisible (2010)

I actually wanted to watch this instead of a mainstream, higher-produced, higher-budgeted film with A-list actors. What is wrong with me? CINEMA HEAD CHEESE HAS RUINED ME!!

Anyway… My next review is of yet another Chemical Burn film called Almost Invisible. It’s the deep and complex story of a group of young adults on a meaningful journey to find merriment. Also known as a bunch of dude-bros and their hos looking for someone’s house they can trash during a party.

Cue April, the not-important-enough Goth co-ed until she offers up her parent’s house for such a gathering. They’re out of town, you see, so you guys can party hearty there. Devin, the main douche bag, accepts, though no one else seemed too keen on the idea. But whatevs. We do whatever the King Douche says because, not-so-secretly, we are all douches, too.

April 24, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling (HBO, 2018)

Judd Apatow pays tribute to the life and wisdom of his mentor, comedy icon Garry Shandling, in this two-part documentary.

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April 21, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - A Quiet Place (2018)

John Krasinski writes, directs, and stars with real life wife Emily Blunt in this tension-filled horror thriller.

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April 17, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Blockers (2018)

Leslie Mann, Ike Barinholtz, and John Cena try to stop their daughters from losing their virginity on prom night in this crazy comedy.

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April 3, 2018

I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With (2006) Movie Review

I have no idea what’s in store for me with that title...

In I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With, our hero, James, is a fatty. Not only that, though. He’s also a fatty actor/comedian. But his life is just not going the way he wants. He’s 39 and living with his mother; his girlfriend just broke up with him; his main job is on a TV show called Smear Job where they prank people with the most NOT FUNNY set ups; his agent dumps him, and then he’s fired from his Second City job.

In between all of this, we meet the quirky cast of characters that make up his friends, the ice cream chick who decides to fuck him because she’s never been with a fat guy then cuts him loose, and actually a decent meet-cute with a woman who could end up being a good match for him. You know, when he’s not making a fool of himself by telling her 5-year old students that he needs to get laid.

Basically this film is one of those dramedy, human character studies about life, love, loss, and maneuvering through the world while finding your place in it.


Folks, there’s only one thing worse than watching crap horror films. And that’s watching Woody Allen wanna-be, pretentious, pseudo-intellectual, ‘look how deep and thought provoking and INTERESTING I am though really I’m trite as fuck’, absolute and total drivel.

Writer, director, and star, Jeff Garlin, has done a shit ton of work. I haven't seen the majority of it but he seems like he’d be funny in real life. The ensemble cast is filled with a ton of actors I recognize: Sarah Silverman, Bonnie Hunt (whom I ADORE), Dan Castellaneta, Tim Kazurinsky, Amy Sedaris, just to name of few. There are a LOT more. Not sure if they all crossed paths at Second City or what but whatever.

Don't you have some paste to eat? Go away now. 

I’m not debating the acting talent or comedic caliber available in this movie. I’m just not sure this ended up being a good vehicle to showcase it. The whole flick felt like the John Candy movie, "Only the Lonely", had a one night stand with Steve Martin’s "LA Story", while Woody Allen psychoanalyzed it all into quick anecdotes, stereotypes, and cliches.

I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was while watching this. And I hate to admit it, but I would rather watch a Chemical Burn film than this utter bullshit (which is good because I have at least 2 more in my DVD stack to review).

Fuck this movie.

0 hatchets (out of 5)





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March 25, 2018

Double Review: Retirement of Joe Corduroy and Skin Eating Jungle Vampires

Since one of the films I’m covering today is a short, let’s make this a double review, shall we? You’re welcome. Though after reading the second review, you may die a little inside.


The Retirement of Joe Corduroy (2012)

This short film is a nice little slice of revenge exploitation. I’m not saying it’s superior to most that are already out there but only using up 25 minutes AND still getting me to care about the characters is a pretty neat trick.

Joe is a retiring dentist. He’s not all that thrilled at the reality but seems he can’t do much about it. He and his nephew, Spencer, are really close and share a love of guns. I think it’s implied that they share a lot more and have a great relationship but the guns are the main focus here. One night, Spencer is jumped, mugged, beaten, and left for dead. As he lies in a hospital bed, comatose, Joe whispers a promise to him - “They’re all gonna pay.”

And so Joe starts a new job of taking down criminals, vigilante style! 

March 3, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Annihilation (2018)

Kevin reviews the sci-fi film adaptation of the book. He also digs into some quick Black Panther commentary, because it's so good that it doesn't need his review.

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February 26, 2018

Movie Review: "Thief - Someday You Will Pay" (2017; Moritz Hellfritzsch Film Produktion)

...tis a funny thing how some folks feel about fate and karma. Once things are set in motion, whether on purpose or by chance, the end result...whatever it is...is inescapable and irreparable...or so they say. And the intangible & oh-so transparent driver of that karma is...well, let's just say that it's hardly prejudice towards whether the actions or intentions that put the karma into play, are good or bad...just or unjust...intentional or unintentional. Let's face it: what will invariably happen, will invariably happen; think of it not unlike that of the dark side of Newton's 3rd Law. They say that you can't run from it...you can't hide from it...you can't ignore it...you can't just to a 180-degree turnabout, playin' all goodie-goodie, and not expect the bad, or at the very least the wholly unexpected, to catch up with you, if it was meant to be.....

...uh, point in case.....

February 6, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #148 - Boob Armor

Kevin and Dalyn head to Jeff's place to discuss new Marvel trailers, kids' movies, the releas of Back Woods 2 (including Kevin's creepy #MeToo story from the set), Jeff's weird dream, some new Xbox game reviews, Gloryhoundd's Blood Bowl II league, Black Mirror, the new Andre the Giant documentary, and more.

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January 30, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - A Futile and Stupid Gesture (Netflix, 2018)

David Wain directs a biopic about the creation of The National Lampoon and the downfall of one of its founders.

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January 25, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - My Next Guest: Barack Obama (Netflix, 2018)

David Letterman returns in his monthly Netflix series to interview the 44th US President and visit Selma.

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January 23, 2018

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Black Lightning: S1E1 (CW/DC, 2018)

DC's latest CW series pulls a vigilante with amazing powers out of retirement and starts with a bang.

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Cinema Head Cheese is sponsored by MoviePass. See unlimited movies at a theater near you for a low monthly rate.

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