King Cohen: The Wild World of Filmmaker Larry Cohen (2017) Documentary Review

I got the screener for this documentary last year, but being a lazy asshole, I never got around to it. With the recent passing of Mr. Cohen, I thought it was high time I STOP being a lazy asshole and view it. Now that I’ve watched it, I feel like even more of an asshole, and am sorry I took so long to experience it.

As someone who never really paid that close attention to the people behind the scenes of a movie (writer, director, cinematographer, etc.) I didn’t even know Larry Cohen’s name. I have, however, seen a few of his films, and they certainly have made a lasting impression.

This documentary doesn’t delve too deeply into his childhood and upbringing, but instills in us his early proclivity toward creativity and imagination. Though his career as a stand-up comedian didn’t pan out, the art behind performing and writing a good show definitely translated into his television and movie career.

It seemed natural, too, that his career evolved from writer, to director, and eventually producer. From what he (and everyone who knew him) said, he didn’t like other people screwing up his work, so why not just do it himself? That didn’t stop him from getting fired off a few jobs (when there was a separate production company involved.) But even so, by that point, he’d have gotten what he wanted from the show, and was then able to move on to other projects.

According to his second wife, he was a prolific idea man, and could write up to twenty-five pages every day!

I’m not going to discuss every film brought up in the documentary, or cover every detail explored. The one thing I really took away from this was a shared consensus on Larry’s genius. His films were powerful and raw; his creative eye allowed him to make a location as much a character as any actor in the film; his guerrilla warfare tactics on filming kept his movies more budget friendly, and it’s part of what makes his films so “Larry.”

On a more personal level, everyone interviewed for this documentary remembered Larry as a generous, kind, funny, sweet, kinda wacky, fearless man, and one of the most brilliant filmmakers to ever come around the scene. His style could never be reproduced today, which is a little sad, but also makes his legacy that much more enduring. For me, his movie, The Stuff, has always been, and continues to be, a favorite – even though, when I first saw it, I never understood its “wink wink” statement on consumerism and unethical business practices that were rampant in the eighties.

For anyone who wants to learn more about Larry Cohen, or would like a deeper look to his writing/directing life, this documentary is a must. Then go seek out his shows and movies. I know I will, and I’ll be able appreciate them from a perspective I didn’t have this morning.

Rest in Peace, Mr. Cohen.

5 Hatchets (out of 5)

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Movie Review: Dead Love (2018)

Let’s see if I can continue riding the luck train, and this second screener I got doesn’t suck ass.

Dead Love opens with Brandon losing his mother. For some reason she commits suicide, and Brandon is left to pick up the pieces. When having to deal with funeral arrangements, the woman who runs Pine Meadow funeral home, Cat, invites him to dinner in exchange for the cost of the casket. She claims it’s because he’s a local and everyone there is like family, but the truth is her sister, Fiona, wants him.

Thus begins the courtship of Brandon and Fiona. And like all good, stable relationships, Fiona keeps a lot of secrets, and doesn’t reveal the whole truth of who she and her family are until she’s desperate - for what, I can’t tell you, but trust me, it’s a doozie.

Does Brandon love her enough to overlook the lies?

Movie Review: Animalistic (2015)

Okay, it’s time to get back on this movie reviewing mechanical horse! Hey, you have your mixed idioms, and I have mine…

We begin 2019 with a screener for a movie that came out in 2015 (though I just got it last summer, which is why I don’t feel too bad for being so late in bringing you this review.) Animalistic brings us the story of a young woman, Emma, who is kidnapped on her way back from a big business interview. The shady taxi driver, Shirley, chloroforms our not-so-savvy professional woman, and when she wakes, Emma finds herself the captive of a greasy man named Jim, and his slow-witted buddy, Peter.

Over the course of the next few days, Jim rapes and sodomizes Emma. Peter is more there for the gross stuff – I’m pretty sure he fucked the corpse of the previous victim – or to keep an eye on the captive while Jim goes about his normal life with his buddies, and WIFE AND KID.

Eventually, Emma finds the means to escape (a couple of times,) and is able to get revenge on her captors before walking off to freedom.

Movie Review: Singularity (2017)

Okay, Moyers. I’m drunk and ready to view this movie. It better be as terrible as you said.

(SPOILERS AHOY because, basically, I can’t be bothered to filter through the entirety of this shitsack to protect you from ruining the story - you’ll thank me later. Oh yes, you’ll thank me.)

Singularity is about VA Industries, which creates a bunch of robots for human use (read: military) to stop all wars. Riiiiiight. Trouble is, the CEO of VA, Elias Van Dorne (John Cusak) has a breakthrough: Kronos. Kronos is Van Dorne’s AI creation that will save humanity from itself. Riiiiiiight.

Eventually, Kronos realizes that humanity can go eat a bag of dicks and, therefore, must destroy it, so the world will have a better chance of survival. After Elias downloads himself and his bro into Kronos, making the most awkward three-way EVAR, Kronos kills everyone.

Well, almost everyone. 97 years later... As in every single other man-vs-machine film, there are small bands of survivors scrabbling out a living, killing each other to steal supplies, or trying to reach Aurora, the last stronghold of humans that aren’t total dick knockers.

Movie Review: SHHHH (2018)

I understand the appeal of horror and comedy mashing it up. I also understand the absolute HATRED of the mixed genre, because it’s either very good or fucking awful. I’m gonna have to go with the latter for my review of this flick.

SHHHH stars James Henderson as Harris, a struggling film maker in Los Angeles (how original and unexpected.) While trying to make ends meet with his job at a crappy video store—do those still exist?—he spends most of his spare time, when not making movies, with his mom at the theater. They love to go see films together, even lesbian vampires feeling each other up and licking each other’s nipples. And while they do have fun, there’s always some asshole ruining the experience: the food wrapper crinkler, the guy on his phone the whole time, the talkers, the super tall people who sit RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU despite all the other empty seats...it’s enough to drive Harris to murder.

Sci-Fi Classics Movie Reviews

I can’t believe I’ve finally made it to the bottom of the ginormous stack of DVDs that David Hayes brought me 17 years ago. Actually, it was more like two, but it felt longer. (That’s what she said.)

ANYWAY....

I’ve got some horror/sci fi classics to review for you today. The best thing about these genre films from the 50s and 60s? They’re only about an hour long! The worst thing, aside from the low budget, crappy effects, and terrible acting, is that with such a short window, most of the action/storyline is told instead of shown. Oh well. I’m willing to overlook that when you get monsters made out of yarn and cardboard boxes...

Our first film is Creature from the Haunted Sea, a 1961 beaut from Roger Corman. In Cuba, Castro has just successfully led a revolution, ousting dictator Batista. But just because they won, doesn’t mean the Revolution has any money. So, an American casino owner, Renzo Capetto, is asked to smuggle a giant box of gold out of Cuba for Castro (I’m not really clear on why, but whatever.) Capetto agrees, but only because he plans to steal it for himself.

In on the job are his gal, Mary-Belle and her brother, Happy, Jack (the guy who makes animal noises,) and Sparks (who’s actually an undercover American Agent.) General Tostada, his aide, and a bunch of Cuban soldiers are accompanying the gold so nothing happens to it on the way. Capetto decides to kill as many of the Cubans as he can on the boat ride out of Dodge, so decides to use a local legend about a sea monster as cover.

Trouble is....the monster is actually REAL!

Movie Review: 21st Century Serial Killer (2013)

Holy shit, folks. A Chemical Burn Entertainment film that DIDN’T make me want to vomit, take a cat-o-nine tails to my back before swimming through an Olympic-sized pool filled with lemon juice, or gouge out my own eyes? Did...did the apocalypse happen? Has everyone been raptured and I missed it?

I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!

21stCentury Serial Killer is about Aaron, a milquetoast every guy who has a big dream -  to be a serial killer. Mostly it’s about being famous, being remembered. He tries to emulate some of the greats - Gacy, Bundy, Son of Sam - but there’s just one problem. He can’t even kill a fly, let alone a human being.

Eventually he meets a girl, settles down, and begins the routine life of a Post Office employee. While he still struggles with his murderous desires, a real serial killer is plaguing his town. With everything he’s studied over the years, Aaron tracks the killer before the cops catch him. Their chance meeting sets Aaron on the path to his dreams.

Movie Review: Almost Invisible (2010)

I actually wanted to watch this instead of a mainstream, higher-produced, higher-budgeted film with A-list actors. What is wrong with me? CINEMA HEAD CHEESE HAS RUINED ME!!

Anyway… My next review is of yet another Chemical Burn film called Almost Invisible. It’s the deep and complex story of a group of young adults on a meaningful journey to find merriment. Also known as a bunch of dude-bros and their hos looking for someone’s house they can trash during a party.

Cue April, the not-important-enough Goth co-ed until she offers up her parent’s house for such a gathering. They’re out of town, you see, so you guys can party hearty there. Devin, the main douche bag, accepts, though no one else seemed too keen on the idea. But whatevs. We do whatever the King Douche says because, not-so-secretly, we are all douches, too.

I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With (2006) Movie Review

I have no idea what’s in store for me with that title...

In I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With, our hero, James, is a fatty. Not only that, though. He’s also a fatty actor/comedian. But his life is just not going the way he wants. He’s 39 and living with his mother; his girlfriend just broke up with him; his main job is on a TV show called Smear Job where they prank people with the most NOT FUNNY set ups; his agent dumps him, and then he’s fired from his Second City job.

In between all of this, we meet the quirky cast of characters that make up his friends, the ice cream chick who decides to fuck him because she’s never been with a fat guy then cuts him loose, and actually a decent meet-cute with a woman who could end up being a good match for him. You know, when he’s not making a fool of himself by telling her 5-year old students that he needs to get laid.

Basically this film is one of those dramedy, human character studies about life, love, loss, and maneuvering through the world while finding your place in it.

Folks, there’s only one thing worse than watching crap horror films. And that’s watching Woody Allen wanna-be, pretentious, pseudo-intellectual, ‘look how deep and thought provoking and INTERESTING I am though really I’m trite as fuck’, absolute and total drivel.

Writer, director, and star, Jeff Garlin, has done a shit ton of work. I haven't seen the majority of it but he seems like he’d be funny in real life. The ensemble cast is filled with a ton of actors I recognize: Sarah Silverman, Bonnie Hunt (whom I ADORE), Dan Castellaneta, Tim Kazurinsky, Amy Sedaris, just to name of few. There are a LOT more. Not sure if they all crossed paths at Second City or what but whatever.

Don't you have some paste to eat? Go away now. 

I’m not debating the acting talent or comedic caliber available in this movie. I’m just not sure this ended up being a good vehicle to showcase it. The whole flick felt like the John Candy movie, "Only the Lonely", had a one night stand with Steve Martin’s "LA Story", while Woody Allen psychoanalyzed it all into quick anecdotes, stereotypes, and cliches.

I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was while watching this. And I hate to admit it, but I would rather watch a Chemical Burn film than this utter bullshit (which is good because I have at least 2 more in my DVD stack to review).

Fuck this movie.

0 hatchets (out of 5)

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Double Review: Retirement of Joe Corduroy and Skin Eating Jungle Vampires

Since one of the films I’m covering today is a short, let’s make this a double review, shall we? You’re welcome. Though after reading the second review, you may die a little inside.

The Retirement of Joe Corduroy (2012)

This short film is a nice little slice of revenge exploitation. I’m not saying it’s superior to most that are already out there but only using up 25 minutes AND still getting me to care about the characters is a pretty neat trick.

Joe is a retiring dentist. He’s not all that thrilled at the reality but seems he can’t do much about it. He and his nephew, Spencer, are really close and share a love of guns. I think it’s implied that they share a lot more and have a great relationship but the guns are the main focus here. One night, Spencer is jumped, mugged, beaten, and left for dead. As he lies in a hospital bed, comatose, Joe whispers a promise to him - “They’re all gonna pay.”

And so Joe starts a new job of taking down criminals, vigilante style! 

Movie Review: Kill Katie Malone (2010)

Sorry it’s been a hot minute since I delved into the slooooooowly dwindling tower of DVDs I got from CHC. I’d like to say the holidays have been super busy for me but to be honest, I think I just got overwhelmed by the stack of suck staring at me every day from the TV stand...reminding me...that it’s full of suck...

Anyway, let’s get into the next one. *weeps*

Kill Katie Malone opens with a terrified young girl holding a box that obviously unnerves her. As she runs to grab something to set the cursed thing on fire, she trips over nothing (bitches always be tripping over nothing) and doesn’t succeed. When her father bursts in, trying to convince some unseen power to spare his daughter, it doesn’t listen.

Obvi.

Movie Review: Space Boobs in Space (2017)

I actually volunteered to review this. I just don’t know who I am anymore...

Space Boobs in Space begins with a blonde, busty, plastic-bustier wearing crew person, I guess, reviewing a missive from...wherever. The message is pretty clear: don’t watch the file we’ve included on this disc.

THEN WHY INCLUDE IT???

Anyway, she watches it. It’s basically a copy of an alien talk show, Space Talk, hosted by the green skinned Zee Zee Poof. This particular episode is all about the film, Space Boobs in Space, a collaboration between her species and Earthlings. But not just that! Included are a handful of short films, again made with the Earthlings, as well as interviews with cast and crew.

SBiS tells us the alien race is desperate for human breast milk because their own green titty drink makes them live longer with less fine lines and wrinkles. They’ve had to curb their sexual reproduction, for crying out loud! They lure Earthlings to their planet where they reap the benefits of Earth’s dirty pillows and in exchange, Earth gets the Irilidian green boobie juice and all its health benefits.

The short films in between the talk show’s interviews include: "Operate" (a woman hires a hooker to play the game, Operation, against her hoo-ha), "A Killer Deal" (real estate agent trying to sell some land to Jason Voorhees), "Horror Hands" (woman gets a call from a killer in her house then her hands create dramatic music with everything she touches), "Cheesecake" (woman eating cheesecake seductively in a bathtub shot exploitation style), "Horror of Sandy Creek" (guy filming a documentary about a mud monster), "Ghosted" (dead woman helps living woman NOT become a victim), and finally "Lapdance at the Gates of Hell" (stripper gives vampire a lapdance).

Then we return to the opening mammary madame, she finishes watching the file, grabs some kind of laser rifle, and walks off screen.

I, uh...yeah.

Oh, wait. Can't forget the final wrap up with Grand Dame Muff Tit (Ming Vase Dynasty) with 10 minutes of absolutely annoying, useless, rage-inducing filler of bullshit just so she can have more screen time (that's my guess anyway because there's nothing funny or entertaining about it at all).

The entire premise is completely ridiculous, silly, asinine, campy, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, and boobilicious. But there’s no nudity. If you’re looking for full-frontal, simulated sex, or anything above PG-13, you won’t find it here. I couldn’t find a lot of info on the cast of SBiS but I’m 98% sure they’re all Burlesque performers. It’s all about the tease and the titillation, not the reveal.

Starring actresses like Dee Flowered (also one of the writers), Pandora Disaster, Tittiana Sprinkles, and Cocquette De Jour, you just KNOW this is gonna be fun. Mostly, anyway.

While the acting is horrendous, especially from Ming Vase Dynasty (the lone drag queen as far as I could tell), the stories were mostly enjoyable. My favorite had to be "A Killer Deal". Best acting and probably the funniest premise of all the shorts. "Ghosted" was a little predictable and "Horror Hands" just made me shake my head. The rest were pretty good.

The overall film’s pace was decent but it did start to slow down around the Mud Monster vignette. I found myself getting a bit bored as the same style played out over and over in each section (short, major film, talk show). I mean it’s nice to have ice cream every night but what would be even better is to throw in a brownie or maybe some pie (heh) every now and again.

Overall, this was kind of fun to watch. The jokes were silly, the ideas playful, and the titties WERE glorious. 

2.5 hatchets (out of 5)

(Sorry - can't find a trailer anywhere for this. It's basically just on Amazon Prime.)

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Movie Review: Hold Your Breath (2012)

Someone needs to improve this Invisalign design that allows the wearer to drink alcohol while they’re in…

Hold Your Breath opens with a flashback in 1956 where the preacher-turned-serial killer (huh?) is about to be executed. Dietrich Van Klaus (evil German…how original) blathers on with some bullshit exposition from the Bible, gouges out his own eye, kills a guard, then they finally strap him down and throw the switch. 

*yawn* Edward DeLacroix’s death was much worse. Just saying.

We move on to the present day where a group of twenty-somethings are getting together for a camping weekend. (and OMG the girls are like soooo annoying. Like HIIIIIII!!) On the way to the campsite they pass a graveyard and Jerry (the blonde annoying girl) freaks the fuck out trying to get everyone to hold their breaths as the car passes because OMG THAT’S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET POSSESSED. GAAAAWD!

Movie Review: 9 Days: Whipped, Chained, and Tortured by a Psychopath (2013)

All righty, folks. On to the next DVD in the stack. Let’s see here. Brought to you by Chemical Burn Entertainment…

Oh, fuck my life.

This next little slice of excrement was written, directed, produced, edited, additionally photographed by one fucking guy, Samuel M. Johnson. I know nothing about him or what’s about to go down but being distributed by Chemical Burn is a HUGE strike against him/this movie.

Funded by Kickstarter…

Oh, Fuck My Life.

9 Days: Whipped, Chained, and Tortured by a Psychopath (I shit you not) is a unique (read: not at all) tale about Virgil who kidnaps and tortures young women to make them worthy of asking God for forgiveness. They must evolve beyond victim into the aggressor and then move on before they are complete. Inspired by Dante’s Inferno…

OH, FUCK MY LIFE!

Movie Review: Daddy's Little Girl (2012)

Okay. Let’s get this straight out into the open. This movie is not horror, even though it’s touted as such on IMDB. It’s definitely a thriller. Normally that makes me very angry because I go in with one expectation and get something completely different. In this case, though, I’m willing to forgive the false advertising because this is one of the most BRUTAL revenge thrillers I’ve ever seen. It might even top Old Boy and I Saw The Devil - or at the very least, be on par with them. And those are two nearly perfect films.

Daddy’s Little Girl is the story of Derek, a single father sharing custody with his ex-wife, Stacy, of their beautiful little girl, Georgia. Though tensions are obviously high between the two adults, Georgia seems like a very well adjusted and happy kid. So of course, something terrible happens.

Movie Review: House on Straw Hill (1975)

Oh, Udo Kier, you magnificent man who can pull us all into your films with your charisma alone. Because gods know you’re not that great of an actor and the movies you work on kinda suck…except for Ace Ventura and Johnny Mnemonic.

To hell with you all! Those were awesome movies!

House on Straw Hill is the story of Paul, a temperamental writer (who isn’t, amiwrite - see what I did there?) who sequesters himself in a country cottage to work on his next novel. His first, and only so far, was such a phenomenal success that he’ll have to work extra hard to pull it off again. He hires a typist, Linda, because he believes he can get his work done faster if he doesn't have to worry about the physical labor of the creative process and just be all brilliant and angsty and shit.

What he doesn’t realize is that Linda is fucking crazy and has only taken the job so she can exact her revenge on Paul for a MAJOR wrong doing he’s committed against someone she loves. And anyone who gets in the way? She becomes like a human steam roller and crushes any obstacle.

The Scarlet Scorpion (1990) and Deadtime Stories (1986) Double Movie Review

Just when I thought I was making a dent in the pile of tripe. I mean…no, that’s what I mean. As I get closer to the bottom of the stack of DVDs, sometimes I get a double disc and dammit, that means I’m really not that much closer to getting through this craptastic supply!

But this time it’s okay because these were actually kinda fun, for the most part.

The Scarlet Scorpion comes to us from Brazil. It opens with what looks like those news reels that used to play in theaters back in the 40s and 50s. After a few stories, it closes with the announcement that the long loved The Angel comic has been adapted for radio! People across the country are shown stopping EVERYTHING they do just to listen in each week. And I mean everything - even a local priest refuses to continue an exorcism because he’s got more important stuff to do! Like find out in this week’s chapter of The Scarlet Scorpion what that rapscallion bad guy is up to and who he's trying to kill!

As the show airs each week, it seems in the real world someone is mimicking the crimes portrayed in the show. Is there a real Scarlet Scorpion running around? Gloria, a local designer, is the only one who seems to connect the dots. The police laugh her out of the station but the director of the show thinks she might be on to something. So let’s create a fan based program around her theories! We never actually get to hear it, though, because the Scarlet Scorpion is targeting her next.

Will he kill Gloria to get her off his trail? Will Alvaro Aguiar, writer and creator, be able to save his lady love on the show AND in real life? Stay tuned to find out. But first, a word from our sponsor…

Movie Review: Dust Up (2012)

I admit I was a bit nervous about this one. Any movie that touts “a new unique (insert genre here)” usually ends up being neither. And just makes me very very angry.

But I’m happy to report that this film didn’t totally suck ass!

Dust Up is the story of Jack, a veteran who’s missing an eye (one eyed Jack, get it?), and lives out in the desert trying to be at peace with the world. His closest neighbor and friend, Mo, who dresses in an Indian bone breastplate, animal skin, and a feather for his sweatband, is about as mellow as they come. 

Jack’s handyman job keeps the bills paid and one day he meets Ella, a pretty young woman with a baby and an absent junkie husband, Herman (he’s a roadie), whose ramshackle ramshack is falling apart. While figuring out how to help, the husband returns in a panic - he owes $3500 to the local drug lord, Buzz. If he doesn’t get it by end of day, Herman is a dead man.

Stage Review: The Visitation (Space55)

Well, this is a first. I’m actually watching a play that’s been recorded on DVD. I’m not actually one for plays. I’ve seen a few. I’ve enjoyed a few. But on the whole (cue Dr. Evil…) I’m not really a play person. So I’m already going into this cranky.

No shade for any of my friends who have acted in or directed or were in any way involved with theatrical productions. Gods know I have no talent for it.

The Space 55 Theater Ensemble brings us The Visitation, an hour long (thank you sweet baby jeebus) story about a married couple, Samantha and Michael. In the wee hours of one night, Sam and Michael are arguing - mostly about his drinking - when they hear a car accident outside. In comes George carrying his possibly concussed wife, Evelyn. While they beg off the cops and ambulance (they don’t believe in that non-God sanctioned nonsense), they decide to hang around and wait for Evelyn to feel better.

Okaaaaay…

Movie Review: Muckman (2009)

While I’m not entirely convinced I’ve not incurred the wrath of someone over at Cinema Head Cheese, I have to say this latest film was not all that shitty. So that gives me hope.

Muckman is the story of a disgraced reality show host, Mick. While trying to prove the existence of a mythical monster, he was exposed as a fraud. Now he’s got a new idea, though not really because it’s just the same shit as before. But the station producer wants proof of a REAL monster, not some crap legend. 

His new crew, and the hot reporter chick from his original show who is a raging diva beeyotch, road trip out to Pennsylvania to find proof of The Muckman, a local legend. After meeting their contact, Hobbs, they go in search of the elusive creature.

Unbeknownst to the new crew, everyone else is in on yet another hoax. They set up ‘proof’ around the forest of Muckman’s existence. Though one member of the crew, Billie, is a hell of a lot smarter than the rest of these bozos and can see through the set-up, it turns out the Muckman might not be such a hoax after all.

You’re shocked, I know. But it’s not just the Muckman these yahoos have to worry about. Something else is lurking in the marshes of Muckman territory.

Nope, not joking.