Movie Review: The Christmas Season Massacre (2001)

It's Day 11 in the David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza and, thankfully, it is almost over. Almost like a Christmas miracle. Most definitely un-miraculous, though, is our entry for this Christmas Eve. Watching this film would turn Scrooge back into the awful miser he was before the ghostly visits. Watching this film would make George Bailey want to stay dead. Watching this film just sucks.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Head Cheese gave to me... hope, because there is only one day left.

Peer with me, folks, a scant ten years ago. Eric Stanze, he of the cutting edge independent horror (like Ice from the Sun and Scrapbook) decides to write and appear in a comedy. Right off the bat we know that this comedy will be irreverent, gory and, probably, a lot of fun. Two out of three is definitely bad. I nearly bought a bag of chestnuts to shove into my mouth and attempt suicide halfway through this film. Bear with me, true believers, as we delve into The Christmas Season Massacre.

Buy Christmas Season Massacre on DVD!

Movie Review: Sexsquatch (2012)

I've got three words to start this movie review and they are three words I never would have predicted I would ever say: it's no Repligator.

But with names like Tobe Lerone, Spamuel L. Jackson, and PJ O'Pootertoot gracing the credits, how could it be anything but a let down?

Sexsquatch is a juvenile attempt at the horror/comedy/sexploitation film genre. Filmed entirely on location in New York (and by that I mean these guys got to use the entire backyard and 10 feet of lake behind someone's mom's house) Sexsquatch is the story of a giant hairy ape-man, named Stinkfist, from outer space who has come to earth on a bet that he can kill and rape more people and buttholes than his overlord.

Helping the Sexsquatch on his fascinating quest is Marmalade, the local homeless spaz, who talks her way out of being killed and raped (yes, that's the order Sexsquatch does it) by leading the not so gentle but surprisingly well spoken giant to a group of young people throwing a "Let's Help Joey Lose His Virginity" party. AKA a convenient gathering of disposable victims. Despite finding one friend disemboweled and violated, the group must party on. It's the best way to honor his memory. And it's the only way to keep them distracted long enough for Sexsquatch to have his way with them.

Will any of them survive? Will they be able to stop...