Movie Review: Zombie Massacre (2012, Extreme Video/Entertainment One)

...(...OK, movie time, movie time...Let's see...What'll it be, what'll it be...Da-ta-dee ta-dee, ta-da-ta-dee ta-dee...Ah, yes...What do we have next, on the pile...Hmmm...What's this?? "Zombie Massacre?" Presented by...by...wha...NOOOOOOO!!! Huff...huff...pant...huff...Now, wait a second...Take a deep breath... Breeeethe...Breeeethe...Breathe in...There, that's it...Now, breathe out...That's it...See, you can do it...You can get through it...After all, it's...it's only a Uwe Boll movie...)...

...sigh...alright, all levity aside, let's start off by getting the usual Uwe Boll issue out of the way, right here and now. Yes, the dude has garnished a notorious and infamous reputation for having written, produced and directed what has been indelibly striken and monikered as truly terrible schlock. Yes, there has been quite an air of mystery, regarding not only how he manages to find financing for all of his films, but also, how he manages to attract notable star talent, like Jason Statham, Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen. Yes, as such, Uwe Boll has suffered the M. Night Shyamalan stigma of being lambasted and heavily criticized, no matter what production he attaches his name to. However, given that this viewer unfailingly keeps an open mind on just about everything set before him, and as such, tries ever so much to take each movie on it's own individual merit...well, this viewer tends to dive right in, all the while, holding his nose, so to speak...

Movie Review: Fear the Forest (2009, Radient Pictures/Lost Empire Pictures)

...as prevalent as the 'mythical' creature, know as Sasquatch...or, if you prefer, Bigfoot...is, as far as horror movie fodder goes, it's genuinely not surprising that an outright seriously horrific rending of the big guy, has rarely come to light. Considering the campy, 'National Enquirer' sensationalist baggage already instilled upon the urban legend creature, right from the get go, it's understandable why such subject matter can hardly be taken too seriously. There's no escaping the juxstapositioned stereotypes associated with even a well-written 'Bigfoot' film production...the sensationalist and speculative semi-documentary remplifications...the prerequisite 'astounding' finds and clues, attributed to the creature's 'existence', including conveniently happenstance film footage, hair tuft clippings and countless cement castings of footprints...the crazed, drunken, unshaven, raggedy 'Festus' geezer stereotype, ranting to the local-yokels, wide-eyed tourists, and the ravaging, exploitative-driven press, "...well, tar'nation...I dun' saw Bigfoot once...dat' critter dun' made a ear-shatterin' sound in them thar' woods, I wouldn' wanna hear twice!!" Or putting a whispered scare into hapless, shivering campers, cuddled around a rustic campfire, while toking a skunked bottle of hooch, "...ya' see, folks...dar's a legend in these here parts..."...

Movie Review: The Wild Geese (Blu-ray / DVD Combo)

More than 30 years before action superstar Sylvester Stallone corralled a bevy of top talent for his smash hit The Expendables, veteran director Andrew V. McLaglen (Chisum, The Sea Wolves) made his own film starring some of Britain's finest actors with his feature The Wild Geese. Severin Films has taken the action classic, remastered it and stacked it with extra features for their own American release that should please fans of balls-out mercenary mayhem.

Richard Burton leads the cast as Colonel Allen Faulkner, the leader of a group of "mature" mercenaries in the unforgiving surroundings of South Africa to track down a kidnapped president played by Wintson Ntshona (Dogs of War, Ghandi). After agreeing with millionaire Sir Edward Matherson (Stewart Granger, The Prisoner of Zenda), to gather a group of his hand-picked men (Roger Moore, Richard Harris, and Hardy Kruger), Faulkner quickly moves forward to prepare his men for the risky mission.