FanCam: The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special (2002)

The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special is lifted right from the one-shot comic of the same name. With a budget of around 3K, director Scott Lebrecht was the first to bring the Main Man to the big screen! The eight-minute short film was for Lebrecht's USC film school project and there is a LOT of love dumped into it. Love dumping like Santa in a North Pole prostitute. Yep, this one isn't for the kiddies. The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special is a favorite comic of mine and is one of the funny books largely responsible for what I do today. It is irreverent, violent and quite funny. And surprisingly, so is Lebrecht's short film!

Movie Review: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

Day 9 of the David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza and the weather outside is frightful… somewhere else. I’m in Arizona. Ha! Wow, this Palooza thing isn’t good for my mental health. Officially add ‘spiteful’ alongside ‘bitter’ on my chart, doctor.

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Head Cheese gave to me… a sucky sequel to a classic movie.

Good or bad, the intention of a sequel, at least in the horror genre, is supposed to expand on the themes and storyline of the original film. We’ve seen it done well, like Aliens and we’ve seen it done poorly, like Alien 3. Regardless, each of these films took the original idea and brought it to a different world on a grander scale. Look at the original Leprechaun, for example. Five films later and we’re in space. Not good, but bigger. That is the entire point. This is how sequels have worked ever since the concept was invented (with 1933’s The Son of Kong). This doesn’t apply, apparently, to Christmas slasher films. I love the original Silent Night, Deadly Night from 1984. It’s cheesy and dopey but the film had guts. A lot of other people liked it, too. Some of them, like Lee Harry, liked it so much he took a bunch of footage from the original, cut out the gore, added the brother of the original killer in a ‘grown up’ psychiatric interview and released it as Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. It’s like the Dradel Song, second verse same as the first

Book Review: Christmas is Cancelled (2013, Splatterpunk)

I am a huge fan of twisted, irreverent holiday tales. Take institutions that have been around, sometimes for hundreds of years, and twist them until those institutions are absolutely unrecognizable. That, my friends, is true subversion. The fact that one would be willing to pervert the iconic ideas and imagery that many people hold dear is a testament to that artist’s desire to be a discordant voice, challenging the singsong of the majority who follow one another blindly, sheepishly, in a three part harmony of tradition. Christmas is Cancelled by Dan Henk, the first in a series of extreme horror chapbooks released by Splatterpunk in the UK, shoots straight for the heart of our highly-stylized Christmas traditions with a kill shot and, by all accounts, is mostly successful.

Buy Christmas is Cancelled HERE.

Movie Review: Santa Claus vs. The Zombies (2010)

Directed by George Bonilla

Starring Billy Blackwell, Alex Del Monacco and Cassidy Rae Owens

Santa Claus Versus the Zombies tells the story of a suburban family that finds themselves barricaded in their house following the outbreak of the Zombie plague. Along for the ride are a couple of elves and an actor that just might be the real Santa Claus. In the meantime, the President and his military advisers are holed up in a bunker feverishly trying to hatch a plan to rescue Santa and the desperate family. Oh brother...

Buy Santa Claus vs. The Zombies on DVD

Movie Review: Santa's Slay (2005)

Ready for Day 2 of the David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza? I don’t think you are. I wasn’t ready for this movie. No one was ready for this movie.

On the second day of Christmas the Head Cheese gave to me… two swift punches in the gonads, which is like watching this movie.

Imagine you are in the Middle Ages and a cool cat named St. Nicholas is helping people with food and shelter, coming to them on the holiday to provide solace and gifts for the poor children. That’s pretty slick. Flash forward five hundred years, to 1950, and the idea of St. Nicholas, now called Santa Claus, is a major institution. He is the symbol of hope for millions of children and even the Coca Cola Company’s perversion of the jolly elf’s image as a corporate shill isn’t too bad. I mean, if Norman Rockwell did it, it’s American, right? A scant 50 or so years later, and Santa Claus is turned into a mumbling demon that drives an ox, played by ex-professional wrestler Goldberg. Welcome to Santa’s Slay, my friends.

Buy Santa's Slay on DVD!

Movie Review: Santa With Muscles (1996)

Welcome to the first annual, Cinema Head Cheese Presents: The David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza! All right, Cheesers, the plan is for me to write a hilarious review of a horrible holiday movie every day for the next 12 days. We’ll see how well this works, my eyes and ears may look like a bowl of figgy pudding by the end of this, but the plan is in motion and there is no better way to kick this off than with the 24 inch pythons, brother!

On the first day of Christmas, the Head Cheese gave to me… douchebaggery.

I still don’t know how someone thought this was a good idea. There had to have been an investor to put up the millions of dollars that it took to make this. There then had to be a writer to buy into the idea. A director would then sign on. Finally, this movie signed itself a star. A great big star. A star whose light burned so brightly that not even blind people are safe from this film. Of course, I’m speaking of the former WWF World Heavyweight Champion, slammer of giants, father of the incomparably untalented Brooke Hogan and facilitator of underage drunk driving accidents. That’s right, folks, the producers of Santa With Muscles got themselves a real live superstar. The orange golem himself, Hulk Hogan.

Buy Santa With Muscles on DVD!

Hollywood Roadkill: The Ghost of Christmas Failure

Ah, the holidays. They bring out the best in people and the worst in movies. Think about all the horse shit you've seen across your basic cable listings this month. Sure, you get a few classics, but you also get to see Jim Carrey in a Grinch suit. Not good. You might think that's the worst of the worst, but I decided to dig up a few things we never got to see.

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 Santo Claus

After our Luchador hero is challenged to a match by the one and only St. Nick, Santo defeats the jolly toy maker. Once Santo removes Santa's hat, he must wear it and take over the role of Christmas delivery man for the holidays. Good boys and girls receive presents, while those on the naughty list get a ho-ho-horrible ass whooping from Santo and his midget wrestler elves.

Find Santo on Amazon.com