by David Hayes
Watch Blood Bound: Meat Market Cut
On Demand
On Demand
Gotta love any movie that has a black and white intro, 10 years in the past. Especially when the filmmakers are so concerned with authenticity that they use equipment that is 10 years old. Broken equipment, obviously. So, in the past some cops were hypnotized by a vampire lady. Then nothing happened. We flash forward, 10 years later, and now we're on a college campus... where nothing is happening. There is the obsessed cop, photo nerd, the slut, the smart girl, the jock and the jock's friends so we are all ready for a good, old fashioned massacre. Of course, these guys found a way to screw that up. There is a vampire on the loose here in the city and obsessive cop is on the hunt. It would be easier to figure that out if the filmmakers had any idea how lights work. We would be able to see an image that way. So the obsessive cop is on the lookout, after being fired from the force for being an obsessive cop, and SLOWLY tracking down the vampire... who has recruited his partner from the past as a bloodsucking fiend. By fiend we mean stiff of an actor, of course. Meanwhile, the photo nerd is working for the vampire and recruits the slut and the smart girl for a "killer" party at a bar called The Meat Market. Ahhh, finally a return to the witty dialogue and ironic happenstance made popular by the films of yore.
Unfortunately, the lighting that was bad on the outside of The Meat Market is absolutely atrocious inside. The camera department appears to have been recently fired by the Girls Gone Wild Quality Control Department. Throughout the narrative, we find out the slut is obsessive cop's daughter, smart girl gets turned into a vampire and vampire ex-cop attempts to bring a demon to Earth. Blah, blah, blah. On the plus side, we only noticed one camera guy in a mirror so that is distinctly below average for this type of movie. The bloody lesbian vampire scene is a nice break but, again, the lack of lighting fundamentals seriously hampers the hot fang action. The film uses a blood memory gimmick which is actually quite inventive. When the vampires taste the blood of another, they absorb that person's memory. Obsessive cop actually puts the gimmick to good use and subdues some vamps with the blood of a vamp he tortured. By no means does it make Blood Bound watchable, but it does help. Of course there is the final battle scene involving Obsessive Cop, Slut Daughter and the rest. For people fighting for their lives, these folks talk a lot. Nearly witty one-liners are puked out with a Schwarzeneggerian regularity. Apparently, vampires can be talked to death (not as inventive as the memory gimmick, but a new addition to the vampire mythos nonetheless).
Best Line: "Sorry, which way? I don't speak guttural death sounds." - Obsessive Cop
Cinema Head Cheese Alternative Title: Cheese Bound: The Constipated Cut
Breast-o-meter: 2 Pairs (in the dark)
Gore Score: 3/10
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