by David Hayes
Oh the job I do for you people. Oh the horror. Below you will find some DVD reviews from those loony douchebags over at Mr. Creepo productions. If anyone decides to actually go out and rent/buy any of these let me tell you right now… I warned you! Just as the titles suggest, these sexploitation/horror "films" are heavy on the skin (or the skin is really heavy… see below) but no amount of areola can make them good. Well, chilluns, feast your eyes on what I like to call: The Six Hours I Will Never Get Back.
The Sandy Hook Lingerie Massacre (2002, Mr. Creepo)
Street Date: Currently available at www.mrcreepo.com
Dear God. Again, dear God. With a promising title, and the assertion that Debbie Rochon's breasts will be bared I am usually a happy little camper. I open my DVD player, throw in Sandy Hook tittering to myself about the exploitive genius I am about to watch and lo and behold, not 10 minutes into the movie my eyes are boiling out of my head. You see, Mr. Creepo is a real guy. He hosts his films, speaking in a nasally, pseudo-pedophile voice, and touts the badness of his own films. Of course, I don't think he knows just how bad. To show you this, gentle reader, I will utilize the patented 1 sentence plot synopsis. Ahem, Debbie Rochon and 6 overweight strippers go to a weekend retreat on the Jersey Shore where they run afoul of a murderer with a hook, in bondage gear, who's motivation for massacre is still escaping me, a creepy lighthouse, an abandoned amusement park and they die (after a disturbing nipple and tongue piercing segments featuring the belly dancing overweight stripper). The transfer to DVD is your basic DVD-R with a generic label on the disc, trailers for other Creepo films are included but no other special features. To be fair, though, the box art is pretty darn good for this schlocky attempt at filmmaking. The film is well over feature length (too well over) and I don't think, in my humble opinion, that you will find anywhere else on the planet anything like The Sandy Hook Lingerie Massacre, unless of course it is…
Street Date: Currently available at www.mrcreepo.com
Dear God. Again, dear God. With a promising title, and the assertion that Debbie Rochon's breasts will be bared I am usually a happy little camper. I open my DVD player, throw in Sandy Hook tittering to myself about the exploitive genius I am about to watch and lo and behold, not 10 minutes into the movie my eyes are boiling out of my head. You see, Mr. Creepo is a real guy. He hosts his films, speaking in a nasally, pseudo-pedophile voice, and touts the badness of his own films. Of course, I don't think he knows just how bad. To show you this, gentle reader, I will utilize the patented 1 sentence plot synopsis. Ahem, Debbie Rochon and 6 overweight strippers go to a weekend retreat on the Jersey Shore where they run afoul of a murderer with a hook, in bondage gear, who's motivation for massacre is still escaping me, a creepy lighthouse, an abandoned amusement park and they die (after a disturbing nipple and tongue piercing segments featuring the belly dancing overweight stripper). The transfer to DVD is your basic DVD-R with a generic label on the disc, trailers for other Creepo films are included but no other special features. To be fair, though, the box art is pretty darn good for this schlocky attempt at filmmaking. The film is well over feature length (too well over) and I don't think, in my humble opinion, that you will find anywhere else on the planet anything like The Sandy Hook Lingerie Massacre, unless of course it is…
Skin Eating Jungle Vampires (2002, Mr. Creepo)
Street Date: Currently available at www.mrcreepo.com
I know that you can't understand this, but back-to-back Mr. Creepo is definitely detrimental to my mental state. Ok, this time we are in Costa Rica (well, some of the cast is in Costa Rica, probably shot on Creepo's vacation) and after a UFO crash-lands (piloted by Mr. Creepo of course) into a volcano, the female aliens that he controls must revert to their jungle ways and live as skin eating vampires. The vampires include a few plump strippers from Sandy Hook but new Creepettes (I swear, that's what he calls them) are added (alas, no Debbie Rochon this go 'round). These poor emaciated new girls engage in sordid girl on girl action after a fine meal of human entrails. That would have been a great scene, until it went on for fifteen minutes. Same DVD-R as Sandy Hook, so if you can't play the R's, then pass on the Creep. Bet you thought I was legally insane, right? Well, not until…
Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood (2001, Mr. Creepo)
Street Date: Currently available at www.mrcreepo.com
The Magnum Opus of Creepo, Barely Legal tells the tale of some lesbian vampires. I'm not sure what this tale is, but it stars the plump strippers and some other emaciated women in various scenes of lesbian vampirism and some you-should-not-be-naked S & M and bondage. Intermittently, Creepo appears in a graveyard and begs the ghost of Ed Wood for help making the film that we are watching. Ed, in a ghostly voice over, gives the Creepster some advice. All of it bad. On the plus side, this release is a real pressed DVD with some pretty damn good box art. Creepo sunk the dolla dollas into this one. Trailers are still the only special feature, aside from the warm feeling in your heart.
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