Movie Review: The Pacifier (2005)

by David Hayes

So... we all know that I've watched some really, really bad movies before. Even reviewed them for the Cheese right here. I'm not sure I can admit this, but I didn't make it all the way through Vin Diesel's The Pacifier. I tried. Oh Lord, I tried! I'm missing about 30 minutes or so in the middle, but, if the rest of the film is any indication, I didn't miss much. Oddly, though, that hunky slab of man flesh, Vin Diesel, did leave an impression on me. Don't know what it is, 'cause I'm fairly straight, but that not-quite Barry White voice and the doughy, almost a professional wrestler physique made some cinematic magic. Not enough magic to keep me awake, but magic nontheless.

Buy  The Pacifier on DVD

So, in lieu of writing about the movie, I composed a poem dedicated to The Pacifier himself, Vin Diesel. Ahem. It is called, "Vin Diesel, in The Pacifier and any other film role except Private Ryan, is an Erudite Stone," and it goes a little something like this:


Erudite stone...
An erudite stone...
Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel
Erudite stone...
He is an erudite stone...
Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel
Fast and furious he comes to me
Fast and furious, Tokyo drift, he looks at me
Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel
Erudite stone...
Living erudite stone...
Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel
His XXX is pitch black
making him an
iron giant of stone...
Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel
Living in Babylon.
Erudite stone.

Verily, my man Vin could open a can of whoop-ass on Emily Dickinson any day! But she'd probably enjoy it.