by Heather DrainYou’ve seen it; we’ve all seen it. (Well at least those of us enough huevos to admit it.) You’re at the local video store and greeting your line of vision is the back room door, it’s seclusion promising you sights that may tantalize you, turn you on, or even scare the living bejeesuz out of you. What carnal delights await you in the 18+ video room?
Well unless you have time traveling powers or an exceptional video store, you will be greeted with scores of generic faces and bodies being pried open and splattered with semen. Worst of all is that none of these porn clones have the decency to even look like they are into it. At all. It’s like getting psyched up for a blind date with an exotic stranger and being greeted by your old Science teacher naked and with a dingus up his butt. Gross, wrong, and ultimately disappointing.
The worst thing that the biggest video store in my town has pretty much all but depleted their “Classics” section, leaving nothing but a bunch of the “Taboo” series, a few John Holmes flicks, and the “Ozporns.”(2002) Gee thanks guys. Nothing like incest, a monster penis, and a lame, semi-recent reality TV rip off to fire up the old loins.
There was a time when porn wasn’t always about just inspiring the libido and even when it was, you still had a chance of watching something that was entertaining beyond the voyeurism level. Video may have killed the porn auteur, thanks to companies like Ban 1 Productions and their trailer compilation, “Smut Palace Insanity,” we can still revel in a time when blue movies had texture, good technicians, and performers who actually stood out.Things start off with an introduction by Dr. Alfred Cockhitch (actually film historian and writer David Hayes), whose adult film resume include such titles as “Vertigoo” and my personal favorite, “The Man Who Blew Too Much.” (If only these were real movies.) There’s a cute skit involving Martin Scorsleazy, self-pleasure, and a taco. You can do the math. After that we get a nice poem by Martin and the real show begins.
Things begin with “Exposed,” a 1980 John Leslie vehicle where he plays a happily married man whose past as a porn star comes back to haunt him when he is made an offer his libido nor his wallet can refuse. Despite the bad made-for-TV movie music, “Exposed” is a solid looking film, with the always watchable Leslie, along with the extremely prolific Sharon Kane as his kept in the dark wife. (In fact Kane is only matched by Sharon Mitchell in having a filmography that goes into the triple digits.) By the way, get used to John Leslie, because you will see a LOT more of him in the next few trailers.
After that we have the Anthony Spinelli directed “High School Memories” (1980), starring Annette Haven, Jamie Gillis, and John Leslie. Often popping up on various critics “Best Adult Films of All Times” lists, the trailer is pretty entertaining, with Gillis being the standout with the line, “What do you think I am? A fucking animal?!” while his lover asks if he wants to come on her face. (This is doubly funny if you know anything about some of Gillis’s more extreme output.) The story itself revolves around a teacher and a high school coach who reminisce about their sexual teenage hijinks while attending their high school reunion. So basically lots of sex with an almost tender undercurrent.
Continuing in the Hollywood inspired vein, is 1979’s “Pink Champagne.” Featuring Busby Berkley-esque numbers, various adult players dressed up as famous stars from the 20’s and 30’s, and of course, lots of copulation. Now this is a great trailer. Lots of great lighting, bright colors and inventive, if not terribly erotic looking sex scenes. The two highlights including “Charlie Chaplin” (who ends up looking more like a pancake makeup wearing Ron Mael) boffing some young lovely and poor Tawny Pearl getting popped with man gravy in both her hair and her eye. Not fun. The main star of the film, Jon Steele, who has an eerie resemblance to Farley Flavors (that’s for all of you Rocky Horror fans), was apparently a one or two film wonder. Overall, a great looking movie. Plus how often does one get to hear the line, “Dick don’t fail me now!”?
In a completely different vein, we have “Women in Love” (1979), a story of Madame Bovary. A classic story told in a very unclassic way. This is the first but not last dark turn for this disc, with Laurien Dominique playing Christine, a woman whose passions go neglected by her businessman husband (R. Bolla aka great character actor Robert Kerman). This unfulfillment ends up leading to her path of infidelity and increasingly kinky sex. There are often two types of classic porn films, the lighter, anything goes variety and the darker side of human sexuality. Going by this trailer, this film is firmly in the latter. It also has the lovely and buxotic Vanessa del Rio and Ron Jeremy in a rare serious role.
“Love Dreams” (1981) is a complete change of pace from “Women in Love” right down to the pastel color scheme. This obscure film centers on the beautiful if a bit icy looking Julia Perrin, playing an 18-year-old French girl spending the summer in San Francisco as an au pair. A saucy au pair that ends up being hit on by…yes…an especially skeezy looking John Leslie. (At this point I think I have already seen Leslie’s penis more than my husband’s.) The definite highlight involves a Civil War reenactment geezer getting fellated by New York bust queen Sue Nero, including my favorite line, “My balls will be used for hand grenades.” Ladies and gents, this is a great line. This is a crazy looking film with great lighting and memorable scenes.
After that, there’s the vaguely skanky looking “Tinsel Town” (1980), helmed by Carter Stevens, the man responsible for bringing such films as “Teenage Twins” (1976) and “Punk Rock” (1977) into the world. “Tinsel Town” stars one film wonder Danielle Ray as a Midwestern “innocent” looking for fame and fortune in Hollywood. I know this is going to shock you but she ends up on the casting couch and ends up having some fun in the process. (Given Ray’s line readings, you can see why her character ends up on the casting couch. Yikes.) The trailer does have some nice shots of Hollywood circa 1980, including a marquee promoting the Tatum O’Neal and Kirsty McNichol deflowering classic, “Little Darlings.”
Up next is a classic slice of highly politically incorrect 70’s sleaze with “Joy.” (1977) Starring a young Sharon Mitchell (looking unusually soft and feminine) as the titular character. After getting sexually assaulted, Joy gets inspired and goes on a man-raping spree. Well more like “raping” since you can’t rape the willing and these men are ultimately very willing. (Including R. Bolla in one of the funniest scenes in the trailer.) It is bizarre to see such a serious subject used for laughs but “Joy” looks like a film that is so over the top that anyone taking it as a serious representation of anything is pretty silly. Granted there are a few scenes that don’t quite fit with the overall light tone, like a quick shot of a gun in a vagina. (No, just no.) But Mitchell looks great and enthusiastic and once you see “Joy,” you will certainly never forget it.
Speaking of political incorrectness in those halcyon days of pre-Meese commission smut, we have “The First Time.” (1978) One of Anthony Spinelli’s lesser-known films about a woman on a sexual journey that leads her to everything ranging from the standard (blow jobs, lesbianism) to the extreme (S&M involving giant hypodermic needles.) Unfortunately her journey is accompanied by some breathy female narration whose lines make Penthouse Forum sound like Truman Capote.
And now for something completely different, there’s “The Seven Seductions” (1981) aka “Seven Seductions of Madame Lau” starring Annette Haven as Ms. Lau. The trailer features some gorgeous lighting and the always likable Richard Pacheco, including a rare safe sex scene. (One that he also replicated in Spinelli’s “Nothing to Hide.” (1981) This is a bit of porn throwback to the old Hollywood movies where someone like Ona Monson or Hedy Lamarr played an “exotic” lady from the Far East. While I doubt this was intentional, this trailer did remind me of a sexified version of Harry Alan Tower’s “Five Golden Dragons.” (1967) Unlike that film, there is no lounge singer to be spotted, but overall “Seven Seductions” looks like a really well produced and sexy film.
Then we have another Carter Stevens film, “Twilight Pink” (1981). With an all-star New York cast, featuring Veronica Hart, Kandi Barbour, R. Bolla, and the ever-bubbly Annie Sprinkle in a romp set in the business world. Bolla plays an underling who happens upon an enchanted timepiece that not only stops time, but also reawakens people to be primed for action. Naturally, his ultimate goal is to ravage his higher up, the ever beautiful Hart. In a market filled with plastic blondes, it’s nice to see a time of naturally gorgeous brunettes like Hart, Barbour, and Sprinkle. While this obviously isn’t the most psychological material, “Twilight Pink” looks like some silly fun with a great cast. (And it looks much less sleazy than “Tinsel Town.”)
Speaking of sleazy, (how’s that for a segue), there is “Aunt Peg Goes Hollywood.” (1981) The title may indicate a Juliet Anderson vehicle, but this is basically a loop carrier with Aunt Peg apparently only being in one scene. There’s not too much to report here, other than some notable people (cult favorite and Farrah Fawcett-esque Rhonda Jo Petty, Lisa de Leeuw, Little Oral Annie) and a funny scene with Ron Jeremy. (Yes while not top on my list of dudes I want to see naked, he is always entertaining.)
“Naughty Network” (1981) is an adult throwback to films like “The Boob Tube” (1975) and “Kentucky Fried Movie” (1977). Some of the parodies are genuinely funny; including “T.R.A.S.H. a bondage laced “MASH” parody. (Not to be confused with the awesome Tubes compilation.) I could have personally done without “Genital Hospital.” Seeing Nicole Noir getting penetrated vaginally with a thermometer and then anally with a glass Coke bottle is something I want to bleach from my brain. Then my nightmare is complete with the last shot of a vagina shooting out white cream on the camera. It’s not often that one is simultaneously impressed and disgusted. Hooray for kegel muscles I guess.
From the okay to the awesome, we have the Chuck Vincent compilation, “Dirty Looks.” (1982) Hosted by Gloria Leonard and Screw Magazine mastermind Al Goldstein (who gets the brilliant line, “I’ve seen more shit than Mr. Whipple”), this is basically a sampler of some of Vincent’s best scenes. The absolutely greatest scene on the whole disc has to be the one from “Jack ‘n Jill” (1979), featuring a bewigged Samantha Fox screaming “Fuck me” with all the rage of the ages. Really, you have to see this to believe it. This is better than vintage Mexican wrestling and has the crazy aggression to boot. This is one of the best trailers on here and is a great showcase for the very much-respected Vincent.Remakes aren’t exactly new, but out of all the Hollywood films to remake, the Kim Novak film, “The Legend of Lylah Clare” (1968) is really unexpected. But remade it was with Annette Haven in the main role in “The Blonde.” (1980) Unfortunately the trailer doesn’t really play up its origins as much as it does getting to see Haven in a blonde wig. Or more correctly, a really cheesy blonde wig. It’s a novelty that just seems weak to play upon as the main selling point.
Then we have the granddaddy of all the trailers, if not the granddaddy of all of adult cinema. Of course I’m talking about Gerard Damiano’s “The Devil in Miss Jones.” (1973) The opening alone, featuring a nude Georgina Spelvin slashing her wrists is a sign right there that you are not in for the usual sex movie. Turns out Miss Jones, despite living a pure life, is ineligible for heaven. Instead of settling for limbo, she requests to return to Earth for 24 hours and be completely consumed by lust. Now this is some heady stuff especially for your typical raincoat audience. Spelvin is great and goes through her sex scenes like a woman completely possessed and in the unhealthiest of ways. The cinematography and music are equally great. This is how it is done kids.
After that we have the equally famous and unequally horrible “Debbie Does Dallas.” (1978) How this movie became as well known and successful as it did, I will never know. Bambi Woods as Debbie looks and sounds highly off. And not off in a cute, quirky way, but off in the “is she going to be okay?” kind of way. Plus Debbie doesn’t even do anyone in Dallas and only has one sex scene, with her pervy boss Mr. Greenfield (R. Bolla, who is now competing with John Leslie as far as how much I have seen of their penis). This trailer is notable for featuring part of the scene where one of Debbie’s teammates is being spanked by an elderly librarian. For highly stupid reasons, this scene is excised from certain prints. If you’ve been fortunate enough to have not seen the original “Debbie,” then do yourself a favor and just watch this trailer. It’s less painful.
Going from the famous to the obscure, we have 1977’s “Playgirls in Munich,” a wonderfully goony looking film starring Roger Caine (who is in the aforementioned “Dirty Looks”, among many others) and the notorious Zebedy Colt as two bumbling phone repairmen who end up stranded in Munich, Germany. The fellas then have to try to earn enough money to get home. Along the way they end up finding themselves entangled with any number of willing frauleins. I’m not sure how stroke worthy it may be, but it does look like an entertaining movie. Plus it’s interesting seeing Colt, who was also a Broadway actor and musician, in something lighthearted, especially compared to some of his more infamous films, like “Sex Wish” (1976) and “The Devil Inside Her.” (1977)
Up next we have what may be one of the greatest film titles ever. Of course I could only be talking about “Bodacious Ta Ta’s” (1984). Not only is it a great title but it is also highly accurate, starring the effervescent Kitten Natividad who truly has some bodacious breasts. I found myself staring at them and I’m straight. (No surprise that Kitten is most famous for her work with Russ Meyer and her very much lauded strip routines.) As you can imagine the plot centers around a bunch of goons, including Ron Jeremy and girls with. …bodacious ta ta’s. There is a great scene with Kitten watching Ron with another woman doing the nasty. She gets excited and gleefully instructs him “to put it her butt.” For the record, while Kitten does some solo and girl/girl here, she doesn’t have any hetero hardcore scenes in this film. (That’s a leap she wouldn’t make until 1990.)
For a touch of class that perhaps “Bodacious ta ta’s” is missing, we have Henry Paris’s (aka Radley Metzger) “Naked Came the Stranger.” (1975) Starring cult actress Darby Lloyd Rains in an adaptation of the infamous New York Times bestseller and literary hoax, “Naked Came the Stranger” is a typical Metzger film. Lavish looking locations, stylish performers, and a sense of respectability no matter what lurid activity is going on. Unfortunately, like a lot of films of this era, finding a truly uncut copy is not the easiest thing in the world, mainly due to the resulting laws from the Meese Commission era. Particularly dealing with S/M scenes featuring hardcore sex, which “Naked” has. Hopefully somewhere down the road, such archaic laws will be thrown out and films like this can be available uncensored. (It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the absurdity of censoring an act between two clearly consenting adults, especially from a movie over thirty years old.) For now at least we have this great trailer.
Then we have the zany looking “Wanda Whips Wall Street” (1982), yet another Veronica Hart film set in the New York business world. While there’s nothing new plot wise, this does have the twist of being filmed partially in the actual New York Stock Exchange building, not to mention a shot of a guy ejaculating in his own hair. (Impressive if not slightly unfortunate.) That in addition to a stellar cast including Hart, Jamie Gillis, Samantha Fox, Sharon Mitchell, Tish Ambrose, and the awesome Kurt Mann, which overall makes for one of the more entertaining trailers.
You gotta have the good with the bad, hence “Nurses of the 407th” (1983), an unremarkable looking parody of the hit TV show “Mash.” Porn parodies of mainstream shows are nothing new and can be amusing at times, but this just looks very tired and by far the worst trailer on here. It stars Jessie St. James, who deserved better than this.
After that, we have the domestic drama of “Robin’s Nest” (1980) with unsung actress Arcadia Lake and her then real life husband Eric Edwards as an initially happy couple that quickly end up having issues in the boudoir. Naturally, this leads her to some lesbian action and more than one ménage a trois. The trailer has some annoying, breathy narration that is almost mercifully overshadowed by the completely nutzoid bongo music. (Seriously breathy voiceovers are cheesy if not borderline creepy, like some crazy woman has prank called you.)
“Blue Ecstasy” (1980) doesn’t have crazy bongo music but it does actually have entertaining, over the top narration that would not be out of place in a 1960’s sexploitation flick. This is another moody looking film from Kemal Horulu (now that’s a name!), who directed the aforementioned “Woman in Love.” “Blue Ecstasy” involves a sexual journey that is both “heaven and hell,” with a good mix of regular sex and bondage (you can spot NYC legend George Payne some of these scenes.)
The second to last trailer is one of the best put together and lo and behold it is another Chuck Vincent outing with “In Love.” (1983) The story centers on Kelly Nichols and Jerry Butler, two star crossed lovers whose lives take them away from each other and yet they are destined to be together. Despite the ultra cheesy soap opera music, the film itself looks seriously good and more like a “legit” film than a porno per se. The controversial Butler was always compelling on screen and Nichols comes across very likable. And there’s an LSD sequence to boot, which unfortunately isn’t featured enough in the trailer. That said it is good to have a trailer for a good film made in the last hurrahs before video took over.
That would have been a great note for the disc to end on, but we have one more trailer to go, with Elliot Lewis’s “Bad Company” (1978). No it has nothing to do with a middling 70’s classic rock band but instead a group of female cat burglars who sleep with and then rob their victims. Not exactly reinventing the wheel, but it’s a cute premise with some fairly inventive positions and a borderline fisting scene. (Be careful because these ladies will steal your cervix!)
Ban 1 Productions has truly done a bang up job with this release. There is something for everyone here and while not every trailer is great, that could be viewed as just a realistic picture of the scene in general. Not every film was a classic and some were flat out terrible. (Just like mainstream cinema, but with less body fluids.) It is nice to have a great array of vintage 70’s and early 80’s adult trailers all available on once disc. This is a great way to be reminded of a time when porn was filmed not shot and people in the industry did occasionally attempt to take the form beyond and above its natural restrictions.
Like most trailer compilations, there are not a lot in the way of extras but you do get two easy to find Easter eggs. (Hint one of them has Little Oral Annie and the other has some friendly and horny aliens.) Plus the bookends with ole Alfred are nice and give a playfulness to the set that is refreshing.
If you are like me and horrified by the current state of adults films and would rather revisit a time when individuals and even the occasional idea ruled, then look no further.
If you enjoyed this article please go straight to Heather's awesome website: http://mondoheather.blogspot.com/
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