...getting right down to the nitty gritty, when discussing a rather unconventional genre film, like the 1985 horror anthology flick, "Night Train to Terror", this viewer cannot help but recall a poignantly applicable line in the 1987 Steve Martin-starring comedy, "Roxanne", where at one point, the Cyrano de Bergerac-inspired character Steve plays, crudely describes his character's rather large nose, and says something like, "...it's not the size of the nose that's important; it's what's in it, that's matters". A fitting metaphor, to be sure, considering that "Night Train to Terror"...this totally batshit crazy insane 'trilogy of terror' is basically culled from keenly edited (...ha!!), easier to digest (...double 'ha'!!), Reader's Digest versions of longer and, for the most part, wholly negligible horror-themed feature films (...well, actually...two feature films, and the footage of one unfinished film), including "Scream Your Head Off", "Cataclysm" (...aka "The Nightmare Never Stops") and "The Death Wish Club" (...aka "Gretta"). Horror anthologies are typically a mixed bag, anyways, but in this case, throw in some whacked-looking stop-motion animation...a rather striking and respectable amount of gore...humorously irreverent and irrepressible character actor Richard Moll (...1986's "House", 1982's "Sword and the Sorcerer"), here, doing the 'Karen Black/Trilogy of Terror' thing, by having unrelated multiple roles in the film...some rather arcane, cross-banter, 'good versus evil' dialog, bridging the stories together...not to mention some of the most cheesiest, brainless and tortuously infectious '80's style music video sequences, and you've got an off-the-charts and over-the-top excursion into horror anthology insanity, which tosses in everything, including the kitchen sink...and you know something?? Well, I'll be damned...how about that?? In a weird way, this actually works!!!
...this mish-mash of events open up with...as the title suggests...a steam-spewing juggernaut of a passenger train, barreling down the steel tracks, blanketed by a haze-swirled pitch-black night. In one of the passenger cars, an '80's style, pop synthesizer-strumming band repeatedly drolls out a bubble-gummish tune, as a number of sexy, form-fitted flash-dancers & break-dancers, rock and writhe to the repetitive medley. In the next car, within barely audible earshot of the ongoing rock & dance fest, God and Satan...in the guise of two distinguished gentlemen...speak argumentative about the fate of mankind, and where the human race is purportedly heading...as well as knowing full well that the train, which they are traveling on, is itself unavoidably and fatefully headed for a fatal crash, just short of dawn. Their star-scattered, train car window view then opens up to a number of visually documented accounts...one by one...and in suggesting the state of mankind, God and Satan...clearly have opposing views...proceed to critique and judge the main players of these accounts...as the train whistle blasts accent the repetitive and celebrative music jam, in the next car...
...the first chronicle details a captive and lovelorn gentleman (John Phillip Law), held in an insane asylum, who broods on about past loves, all while trying to avoid being poked, prodded, tortured or worse, by the asylum attendees...who all consort to a heinous and gruesome agenda, involving the harvesting of human body parts...with the hapless patients of the asylum, providing the source. The second character study involves the willing participants of a number of bizarre suicide games (...involving electroshock, a deadly venomous flying insect, and a spinning & circling wrecking ball); two of the players are smitten with each other, and one of the other players expresses an underlining jealousy over the relationship...with hopes of one of the games, eliminating his competition. And in the final story, a middle-aged detective and a God-bashing celebrity author...initially disbelieving...become progressively intrigued with, and doggedly determined to find out about a mysterious and seemingly ageless & youthful-looking gentleman, who coincidentally bears an uncannily identical appearance and look, to that of certain notoriously criminal persons of the past. Is it really coincidence, though??...
...admittedly, the abbreviating editing work done on each of these terror tales, vary...from tale to tale...as far as storyline continuity and development, with the initial 'asylum' story being the worst of the lot, containing nary a coherent storyline to speak of. It merely seems like crudely stitched together sequences of dread, terror and gore; however, these horrific affairs are genuinely made slightly more than tolerable, with the dark-humored presence of actor Richard Moll, here as an orderly, crazily running around in a blood-spattered hospital smock...sporting a most amusingly sinister grin, and an equally sinister chorkle...terrorizing, and then bloodily chopping up naked and scantly clad female asylum patients. The second tale, involving the suicide games, is considerably much more coherently readable and linear, story-wise; here, some effective make-up and gore effects, along with some crude, albeit amusing stop-motion animation, accent the character interaction. We have a rather striking electrical execution...a person's head explodes, melon-like, at the result of a deadly insect bite...and a wrecking ball does some interesting 'renovation' work on someone's head (...though, I could swear up and down, that blackened 'wrecking ball' looked just like one of those inflated 'Hippity Hops', which I had as a kid). The last of the lot, involving the young and diabolically-looking looking 'mystery man', who appears to come from ages past, is probably the most intriguing of the lot. Veteran actor Cameron Mitchell is adequately engaging, as the doggedly determined detective, who initiates an unswerving and invasive investigation, in determining who this 'mystery man' truly is. At the same time, the author (...an over-the-top Richard Moll, once again) of a best-selling, God-disavowing book, becomes intrigued at the attention he is getting from this self-same celebrity 'mystery man' and his 'minions', who seems equally determined in convincing this unswervingly disbelieving writer, that God and Satan (...or, at least the latter) do exist. All of this, of course, culminates in a fiery conclusion, involving crucifixions, bloodshed, hooded stop-motion animated demons, as well as the relevationally unveiling of the 'mystery man's true identity and purpose...
...given "Night Train to Terror's years of status, both as a public domain title, as well as it's seemingly 'nasty and neglected step-child' treatment by amassed genre fans, who have alternately disavowed or embraced the film, for it's crazed misgivings (...for this viewer, a resounding latter vote, if you please), it is genuinely surprising, and at the same time, elating that after countless multi-movie box sets have had this quite under-appreciated horror anthology buried amongst the countless and collective public domain titles, that have graced multiple release, the fine folks over at Vinegar Syndrome have seen fit to pull this one out of unjust obscurity, and given it a special embrace. The quality of the print's visuals and audio, although fettered with the jumpy & jerky editing...as the result of the need to reduce the stories down to multiple-story anthology purpose...as well as the overall age of the film itself, is surprisingly good, despite the expected grainy and sparky level of a typical low-budget film, such as this. And the generosity doesn't end merely with the sharpened movie experience itself, as V/S includes some interesting commentary by director/producer Jay Schlossberg-Cowen on one track, and on another track, Cowen coordinates some cross-talk with genre podcasters The Hysteria Continues (...some might recall their irreverent commentary on the recalled V/S 'drive-in double feature' disc, containing "Death by Invitation" and "Savage Water"). And in addition to the film's trailer, we have a complete version of the middle story, "Gretta", no less...
...much like the self-describing title of the film itself, "Night Train to Terror" is a delectably wild, out of control piece of obscure horror cinema...a piece-meal juggernaut of a loco-motive, barreling recklessly down the tracks, with seemingly no one in the driver's seat. For that reason, this clearly one of those films which you're gonna indisputably despise, or you're gonna absolutely relish with maniacal glee. As this viewer elatedly falls within the latter category...well, all that's left to say now, is 'all aboard, folks!! Let's ride this train...'; after all, for those who haven't seen 'Night Train...', or for those whom haven't had the opportune pleasure of partaking of it, for a while...ah heck, what are you waiting for?? Count It Down!! "...and a 1, 2, 3, 4...1, 2, 3...Everybody's got somethin' ta' do...everybody but you.....Come on, now, dance with me, dance with me...come on, now, dance with me, dance with me...come on, now, dance with me, dance with me...come on, now...(...chorus fades).........."...
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