I can’t believe I’ve finally made it to the bottom of the
ginormous stack of DVDs that David Hayes brought me 17 years ago. Actually, it
was more like two, but it felt longer. (That’s what she said.)
ANYWAY....
I’ve got some horror/sci fi classics to review for you
today. The best thing about these genre films from the 50s and 60s? They’re
only about an hour long! The worst thing, aside from the low budget, crappy
effects, and terrible acting, is that with such a short window, most of the
action/storyline is told instead of shown. Oh well. I’m willing to overlook
that when you get monsters made out of yarn and cardboard boxes...
Our first film is Creature from the Haunted Sea, a 1961 beaut
from Roger Corman. In Cuba, Castro has just successfully led a revolution,
ousting dictator Batista. But just because they won, doesn’t mean the Revolution
has any money. So, an American casino owner, Renzo Capetto, is asked to smuggle
a giant box of gold out of Cuba for Castro (I’m not really clear on why, but
whatever.) Capetto agrees, but only because he plans to steal it for himself.
In on the job are his gal, Mary-Belle and her brother,
Happy, Jack (the guy who makes animal noises,) and Sparks (who’s actually an
undercover American Agent.) General Tostada, his aide, and a bunch of Cuban
soldiers are accompanying the gold so nothing happens to it on the way. Capetto
decides to kill as many of the Cubans as he can on the boat ride out of Dodge, so decides to use a local legend about a sea monster as cover.
Trouble is....the monster is actually REAL!
So, while Capetto does murder a handful of men, the monster
gets the rest. Naturally, the crew members turn on each other, which just makes it
easier for the monster to kill them. The American agent is the only survivor
and the monster keeps the gold, presumably to fund his dream of opening an
underwater bed and breakfast.
Like I said earlier, because these films are so short, it’s
easier to explain the plot than act it out. The narrator did most of the
talking (the American agent) but a lot was done by the other characters, as
well. I think what irked me the most was the randomness of character’s
backstories. Like they just wanted everything to be so obviously silly to fit
in with the humor, but it just made it look like they tried a little too hard.
 |
| Muppets on Meth |
The acting isn’t super bad. Since this is also a comedy,
the absolutely goofiness of the jokes kinda fits the time period and as such, the
acting didn’t seem out of place or too awkward. Wasn’t great, but I’ve seen
much worse.
The monster was a total joke. That could have been on
purpose as most elements of this film seem like parodies on other genre film
aspects. And sometimes, the absolute ridiculousness of the creature is what
makes it fun. I did laugh every time this thing appeared on screen.
Overall, it’s just a silly creature feature that’s not
terrible to have as background noise if you’re doing something else. Doesn’t
really deserve your full attention, but I won't judge you for watching it.
1.25 Hatchets (out of 5)
============================================
Flash Gordon - 1955, Episode 36, “Deadline at Noon”
Four dead planets have exploded in short succession. Before
the fifth one does, Dr. Zarkov figures out that a bomb, made of a certain
nuclear material that takes 100 years to blow, was planted on each planet. He,
Flash, and Dale must travel back to 1953 Earth and stop the German mad man who
has created the bombs.
I’m not sure if the episode got cut off or wasn’t recorded
properly, but it ends just before our heroes begin to travel back in time. No
wrap up or “stay tuned for the exciting conclusion” or anything. It’s only
about 10 minutes long so it’s hard to say much except the acting is pretty bad,
the quality of the recording is terrible, and I’m not a big Flash Gordon fan
anyway, so I didn’t really care what was going on. There was only one season of
this live action television show so that might tell you a bit about the
appeal/quality of it.
(I don’t even know how to rate this...)
UPDATE: Found the whole episode on YouTube while looking for a trailer so feel free to watch the whole darn thing on your own time!
==========================================
My last flick is about the absolute possibility that a Gila
monster (yes, those black and orange venomous lizards) can live in such
seclusion as to grow nearly as big as Godzilla and NO ONE NOTICES.
After a bunch of people go missing, the small-town sheriff
stumbles upon information about the Gila monster and how that’s as good an
explanation as anything so let’s run with it. He and Chase Winstead, local
good-guy teenager just trying to save up money for his sister’s leg braces,
work together, with explosive results, to end the monster’s rampage.
The acting is a touch better in this, compared to the water-carpet
monster movie. The characters are more likable - sheriff is actually a good
guy, Chase is a teenage,r but one of those kinds that has a good head on his
shoulders. While I don’t like the “missing boy’s dad is rich so he’s a total
asshat” and the “missing girl’s parents are poor so they’re kind and lovely
people” stereotypes, or the obvious foreshadowing (I mean, honestly, who
transports cans of nitro glycerin around?), or the bad sound effects, or the
popular Captain Morgan knee-up stances everywhere...the movie wasn’t THAT bad.
1.5 Hatchets (out of 5)
Aside from the odd Flash Gordon episode throw in the middle,
these flicks were decent pieces of sci-fi fluff. Not interesting or well done
enough to demand one’s total attention, but they’re fun enough to be slightly
entertaining. And sometimes that’s all we want or need - to just be slightly
entertained.
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