Director Roger Guermantes’ (whoever he may be) feature is about a
newlyweds Jack (Harry Reems, no introduction needed) and Jill (Tina Russell,
again no introduction needed) that on their way to their honeymoon get involved
with a bunch of hippies that are supposedly performing black magic rituals and
loads of sexual encounters ensue.
The screenplay by one Canidia Ference (who is also credited as the
producer) is pure pulp book-like gold, the cinematography by Werner Hlinka
[camera operator of Teenage Tramp
(1973)] is stunning (I believe that the film was shot on 35mm), and the score
by Charles Morrow [composer of the additional music in Altered States (1980)] is – simply put – fantastic, so this is
definitely one that you should not miss.
It all ends predictably with a gang rape, but before that you should
look out for an interracial sex scene between star Harry Reems and June Dulu,
which is something that wasn’t that common in 1971.
The present installment of your favorite dirty column was inspired by The Films of Jess Franco, a collective
book edited by Antonio Lazaro-Reboll and Ian Olney, which although it adds no
new information or trivia, it does analyze the shit out what we already know; a
great academic work that should be purchased by all connoisseurs of erotic
cinema. But without further ado, on with the reviews!
The Image (1975)
Jean [Carl Parker from The Score
(1974), which was reviewed in this column’s previous installment] and Claire
(Marilyn Roberts) seduce Anne [Rebecca Brooke from Confessions of a Young American Housewife (1974)] into the world of
BDSM and indulge into a series of erotic games that include everything, from
whipping to chaining, and from feet licking to pissing.
Also known as The Punishment of
Anne and The Mistress and the Slave
this was directed by adult film auteur Radley Metzger (who also penned the
screenplay, based upon the same-titled novel by Catherine Robbe-Grillet) and it
aims high. Featuring the gorgeous cinematography of Robert Lefebvre (this was
his last credit) and an impressive soundtrack, it rarely disappoints.
Sure, it may not be as good as, say, the similar The Story of O (1975) and the neo-noir approach of the voiceover is
quite heavy-handed, but this is still a masterpiece and it must be seen by all
connoisseurs of classic adult cinema.
Salvatore Di Vita, or "Toto" lives with his mother in his small Sicilian fishing village. His father mysteriously absent, Toto looks to the kindly, grandfather-like figure of Alfredo (Philippe Noiret) for a male role model. The town’s film projectionist for the town’s sole movie theater, the titular Cinema Paradiso, Alfredo instills a love of movies in the young boy. The theater plays a vitally important role in the local community. Cutting across political and religious beliefs, the townspeople treat the theater as an important gathering place where they can all get down to the very serious business of watching movies. The small but humble theater has its vocal detractors: As some of the less tolerant villagers point out, motion pictures forms a gateway desire to life beyond their regional way of life, but this attitude fails to turn them against purchasing tickets. There is a price to pay for all this artifice, as a fire tears through the theater and leaves Alfredo blind. Toto remains at Alfredo’s side as an avid helpmate, until he is counseled by Alfredo as a young man on the way to college to pursue his dreams away from the village. Later in life as a successful filmmaker, Toto returns to the cinema, now in ruins, to unearth a hidden reel of film that is almost too heart-breakingly poignant to watch ...
Your favorite dirty column, Secondhand
Smut, is back and will be reviewed random old porn with no particular order
or reason; just for your eyes only. The column’s return was inspired after the
author read Pete Chiarella’s A Whole Bag
of Crazy: Sordid Tales of Hookers, Weed, and Grindhouse Movies. And another
noteworthy book that recently came to my attention was flesh trade: tales from the uk sexual underground, in which writer
Bruce Barnard goes on a mission to explore as much of the British-based sex
work as possible; I liked the journey, but not its conclusion. But anyway,
without further ado, let’s dive deep into the film reviews.
Butterflies (1975)
Denise (Swedish starlet Marie Forsa) is terminally bored by her
unexciting life in the country where she lives with her equally unexciting
boyfriend and decides to leave all that behind, go to the big city and make it
to the luxurious and exciting world of fashion modeling. It is there that she
meets club owner Frank (Harry Reems, no introduction needed) and the two fall
in love, until the lady is disappointed when she finds out that her rich man is
a womanizer.
Written and directed by Joseph W. Sarno (again, no introduction needed),
this comes (quite expectedly, to be honest) with stunning camerawork and
impressive visuals, but its soap opera-like plot is tiresome and the end result
is ultimately boring. Watch out for a hilarious sex scene in which Reems pounds
in fast forward!
Okay, Moyers.
I’m drunk and ready to view this movie. It better be as terrible as you said.
(SPOILERS AHOY
because, basically, I can’t be bothered to filter through the entirety of this
shitsack to protect you from ruining the story - you’ll thank me later. Oh yes,
you’ll thank me.)
Singularity is about VA Industries, which creates a bunch of robots for human use (read: military) to stop all wars.
Riiiiiight. Trouble is, the CEO of VA, Elias Van Dorne (John Cusak) has a
breakthrough: Kronos. Kronos is Van Dorne’s AI creation that will save humanity
from itself. Riiiiiiight.
Eventually,
Kronos realizes that humanity can go eat a bag of dicks and, therefore, must destroy it, so
the world will have a better chance of survival. After Elias downloads himself
and his bro into Kronos, making the most awkward three-way EVAR, Kronos kills
everyone.
Well, almost
everyone. 97 years later... As in every single other man-vs-machine film, there
are small bands of survivors scrabbling out a living, killing each other to
steal supplies, or trying to reach Aurora, the last stronghold of humans that
aren’t total dick knockers.
Static Age (named after The Misfits’ song about television is a new column in
which I will be talking to you about all sorts of genre television.) Each
installment will start with its spotlight in some classic or not-so classic
title that doesn’t get the love it deserves and I had neglected seeing so far.
Then we’ll proceed on discussing more recent shows. And in the end, we’ll be
chatting about all sorts of random stuff, from mainstream film to film books. I
hope you enjoy!
This Static Age’s spotlight
goes to the 1st (and only) season of RoboCop: Prime Detectives (2000) which is essentially four one hour
and a half movies, and whilst their satire is welcome, its predictions did not
prove very accurate, while the special effects have not aged very well. Often,
the soundtrack is reminiscent of westerns. However, it contains a lot of action
and it is much better than what people have told you.
I also managed to catch up with the following recent shows…
The 2nd season of Peaky
Blinders (2013 – present) find the same-named Birmingham gang and its
leader Thomas Shelby (Cillian Murphy) coming up against with “bigger fish” as
their reputation reaches London.
The 1st season of Narcos
(2015 – present) is about the real-life story of infamous smuggler Pablo
Escobar (played here in excellence by Wagner Moura) who used to make a lot of
money smuggling a variety of goods, but really made millions when he started
exporting cocaine from Columbia to the United States of America. I am a scholar
of the real-life case of Escobar, and rarely have I seen a TV show being so
true to the facts (real news photos and videos from the era are employed as
well, making for a peculiar blend) while also remaining very entertaining.
Welcome to A Binge too Far,
the new column that was named after my favorite A Bridge too Far (1977), and which will be presenting you each time
with film-by-film reviews of classic (and some not so classic) franchises or
movie series which I had neglected seeing so far. Without further ado, let’s
start with American Ninja.
American Ninja (1985)
Joe (action movie legend Michael Dudikoff, in a role that was originally
intended for Chuck Norris) is a soldier of many pseudonyms and an obscure past,
of which he cannot remember much as at some point he had lost his memories.
However, what he remembers clearly is his martial arts skills that will help
him get a lot of opponent ninja butt kicked.
During an armed hold-up and attempt kidnapping of Patricia Hickock
(Judie Aronson) Joe alone manages to save the girl from the hands of evil
guerillas and as much evil ninjas, which only serves to generate the awe and
hatred of the master ninja (Tadashi Yamashita) who now seeks for revenge.
Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus now legendary Cannon Films,
this is one of their most famous actioners, and although it wasn’t the one that
kick-started the 1980s ninja craze, it was one of the pivotal films from that
particular cinematic movement that crossed other markets as well.
Directed by renowned action film director Sam Fistenberg, this is as
misogynist as were the 1980s, but you won’t be able to help it but feel charmed
by the cheesy dialogues and the awesome ninja and shootout action (more than
110 people die onscreen).
Margaret Harwood (Penelope Ann Miller) is a young, industrious wine fanatic worked to the bone by her father’s rare wine company. At an exclusive wine tasting event, she meets cute with wisecracking American wastrel Oliver Plexico (Tim Daly). Finally given the chance to prove her acumen by securing a rare, $1 million dollar bottle of wine in Scotland. As fate would have it, Plexico is assigned to be her factotum on the mission and so the chance for romantic sparks fly ever upward. Ever suave and villainous Philippe (Louis Jordan) and his henchmen want that bottle as well, and so efforts to transport the flagon hit various rough patches.
…OK, then.
This next beauty on the lot…just know will appeal to one’s embraced nostalgic
fervor…yes indeed, my fine folks, we have this finely restored ‘80’s model…very
unconventional looking, though absolutely perfect, for one who appreciates that
which suggests a measure of weathered, low-brow independent sylye…as opposed to
slick, polished and princely…and not-totally-abandoned-nor-forgotten obscurity,
once having meandered in a bygone age of excess. Why, just look at that wildly
imaginative, albeit random array of curves, corners and points…that varied and
eclectic pallet of bleached, though still madly vibrant and contrasting colors,
shades & hues. There’s no mistaking it…absolutely screams ‘80’s, doesn’t
it?? Hell, yes…feel free to kick the tires…really, aren’t they oh-so
uncompromising…so unyielding, and yet, measurably restrictive and reserved, in
the sense that they know very well what they are and aren’t capable of. Oh, and
by all means, please…feel free to step inside, and take a seat. Yes, take a
deep and elating whiff of that interior…that distinctly familiar and
provocative air of a time when opportune and spontaneous chances taken…were
daring, unconventional, and oh-so imaginatively pretentious…
…it may not
be an actual 80’s original, but in pulling out all of our trump cards,…dammit to all hell...uh, quite literally, that is...we’re gonna convince you that it is…
…and so,
considering all that…uh, do we have a deal…Hmmmmm!!! (…with widened fiery eyes,
and gnarled hands wringing…over, and over, and over again…); oh yes, please think
about it…
…and yes,
folks...we are going someplace with this, be rest assured...heh, heh, heh...
…ya’ know??
This able-scribing reviewer…nay, even more so, this ardent devotee of the
cinema macabre and fantastique…hath seen it hundreds of times. Uh, no…not the rather
cool lil’ movie, which will momentarily get a sweep of keenly focused and
illuminating spotlight, herein. Rather, we’re talking the multitude of times
having been in the attentive audience of special screening personal appearances,
movie-based lecture events and film convention forums…the film stars, the genre
writers, the directors, the filmmakers and behind-the-scenes contributors…often times, once
fans themselves, and now embracing their own fans…with the unrelenting gauntlet of varied questions asked by
eagerly inquisitive forum attendees…’what was it like, working with (fill in
the blank)’…’how did you manage to…’…’what are (you) doing now/what are (you)
doing next?’…and so on…
…and time
& time again…from the more ambitious few in the audience…the same, if not
similar question of ‘…if I wanted to get started, how would I get started…how
could I get my stuff out there??’ And without missing a beat…to a varying
degree, the seasoned response is almost always, ‘…really?? Just get out there
and do it…don’t be afraid of taking the chance, given an unswerving passion,
and a respectable measure of resources…even the smallest and unpolished
projects, given one’s heart and passion, may be well enough to get the ball
rolling…even towards something bigger…’…or well, something along those lines…
Holy
shit, folks. A Chemical Burn Entertainment film that DIDN’T make me want to
vomit, take a cat-o-nine tails to my back before swimming through an
Olympic-sized pool filled with lemon juice, or gouge out my own eyes? Did...did
the apocalypse happen? Has everyone been raptured and I missed it?
I
DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!
21stCentury Serial Killer is about Aaron, a milquetoast every guy who has a big
dream - to be a serial killer. Mostly
it’s about being famous, being remembered. He tries to emulate some of the
greats - Gacy, Bundy, Son of Sam - but there’s just one problem. He can’t even
kill a fly, let alone a human being.
Eventually
he meets a girl, settles down, and begins the routine life of a Post Office
employee. While he still struggles with his murderous desires, a real
serial killer is plaguing his town. With everything he’s studied over the
years, Aaron tracks the killer before the cops catch him. Their chance meeting
sets Aaron on the path to his dreams.
…man, for
the life of this reviewer…can’t understand what it is about clowns of late,
that get the average folks out there, so damned riled up, unnerved and chilled
to the bone. Really…just because a wayward, pasty-faced clown with
crusty-stained dental work, bent into an evilly gleeful grimace, and carrying a
loaded lawn-sized trash bag, loaded with gawd-knows-what, stands & stares intently
and motionless on the corner…street light flicker, barely illuminating his
ghastly visage…doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s about to get…er, naughty…
…just
because our hapless and merry fellow, decked out and dressed in oversized
mud-crusted shoes, a saggy, jester-like & color-contrasting get-up, and a
teeny-tiny black Oliver Hardy bowler hat, steps in, sits down across…speechlessly
staring, and smiling with glistening, blackened lips…then without warning,
reaches over, grabs your hand, and places a costume vending machine ring on
your ring finger, as if to propose…doesn’t exactly make him an unnerving,
smiley pervert…
…yeah, I know what y’all are probably thinking. “Ramen??
Really!! A movie about ramen??” From a ‘domestic shores’ point of view…yeah,
one might suppose that the subject of ramen…for most herein, an ‘instant’
vision of one’s grocery store isle, packed and stacked with ordinary ‘three,
sometimes four for a dollar’ packaged instant soup noodles, each accompanied by
a foil packet of heavily salted flavor powder, comes to mind (…and oh, how the respected
nutritionist soothsayers just love to emote finger-shaking ‘shame-shame’
verbiage of dissuasion, as far as the gross dietary detriment of consuming this
simple, albeit wholly processed food staple)…might seem merely that…'simple', by
definition…
…OK, fair enough, right??
…with right hand raised in absolute swear-mode…left hand on
the heart…yes, this reviewer shamelessly, yes proudly proclaims and admits…at
least, from a urban ‘big city white boy’ perspective…”I am a Ramen Head!!” Been
known to throw caution to the wind…boil up two, even three of those square-ish
packages at a time…liberally seasoning those bad boys up, and slurping those
puppies down like a human Hoover (…and ‘slurping’ is most assuredly the mindfully
prerequisite and applicable term when eating ramen, as will be reiterated
later). Given a little more creative motivation, present company even goes so
far as deliciously supplementing the noodles with chicken, pork, egg, cabbage,
cilantro, parsley, onion, bean sprouts, bamboo, or whatever might trip my (amateur
culinary) tibia at the time…
I actually
wanted to watch this instead of a mainstream, higher-produced, higher-budgeted
film with A-list actors. What is wrong
with me? CINEMA HEAD CHEESE HAS RUINED ME!!
Anyway… My
next review is of yet another Chemical Burn film called Almost Invisible. It’s
the deep and complex story of a group of young adults on a meaningful journey
to find merriment. Also known as a bunch of dude-bros and their hos looking for
someone’s house they can trash during a party.
Cue April,
the not-important-enough Goth co-ed until she offers up her parent’s house for
such a gathering. They’re out of town, you see, so you guys can party hearty
there. Devin, the main douche bag, accepts, though no one else seemed too keen
on the idea. But whatevs. We do whatever the King Douche says because, not-so-secretly,
we are all douches, too.
I have no idea what’s in store for me with that title...
In I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With, our hero, James, is a fatty. Not only that, though. He’s also a fatty
actor/comedian. But his life is just not going the way he wants. He’s 39 and
living with his mother; his girlfriend just broke up with him; his main job is
on a TV show called Smear Job where they prank people with the most NOT FUNNY
set ups; his agent dumps him, and then he’s fired from his Second City job.
In between all of this, we meet the quirky cast of
characters that make up his friends, the ice cream chick who decides to fuck
him because she’s never been with a fat guy then cuts him loose, and actually a
decent meet-cute with a woman who could end up being a good match for him. You
know, when he’s not making a fool of himself by telling her 5-year old students
that he needs to get laid.
Basically this film is one of those dramedy, human character
studies about life, love, loss, and maneuvering through the world while finding
your place in it.
Folks, there’s only one thing worse than watching crap
horror films. And that’s watching Woody Allen wanna-be, pretentious,
pseudo-intellectual, ‘look how deep and thought provoking and INTERESTING I am
though really I’m trite as fuck’, absolute and total drivel.
Writer, director, and star, Jeff Garlin, has done a shit ton
of work. I haven't seen the majority of it but he seems like he’d be funny in real
life. The ensemble cast is filled with a ton of actors I recognize: Sarah Silverman, Bonnie Hunt
(whom I ADORE), Dan Castellaneta, Tim Kazurinsky, Amy Sedaris, just to name of
few. There are a LOT more. Not sure if they all crossed paths at Second City or
what but whatever.
Don't you have some paste to eat? Go away now.
I’m not debating the acting talent or comedic caliber
available in this movie. I’m just not sure this ended up being a good vehicle
to showcase it. The whole flick felt like the John Candy movie, "Only the
Lonely", had a one night stand with Steve Martin’s "LA Story", while Woody Allen
psychoanalyzed it all into quick anecdotes, stereotypes, and cliches.
I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was while
watching this. And I hate to admit it, but I would rather watch a Chemical Burn
film than this utter bullshit (which is good because I have at least 2 more in
my DVD stack to review).
Fuck this movie.
0 hatchets (out of 5)
Get books, comics, graphic novels and more at bunny17media.com. Use the code CHC at checkout for 15% off your purchase!
Since one of the films I’m covering today is a short, let’s make this a double review, shall we? You’re welcome. Though after reading the second review, you may die a little inside.
The Retirement of Joe Corduroy (2012)
This short film is a nice little slice of revenge exploitation. I’m not saying it’s superior to most that are already out there but only using up 25 minutes AND still getting me to care about the characters is a pretty neat trick.
Joe is a retiring dentist. He’s not all that thrilled at the reality but seems he can’t do much about it. He and his nephew, Spencer, are really close and share a love of guns. I think it’s implied that they share a lot more and have a great relationship but the guns are the main focus here. One night, Spencer is jumped, mugged, beaten, and left for dead. As he lies in a hospital bed, comatose, Joe whispers a promise to him - “They’re all gonna pay.”
And so Joe starts a new job of taking down criminals, vigilante style!
Kevin
reviews the sci-fi film adaptation of the book. He also digs into some
quick Black Panther commentary, because it's so good that it doesn't
need his review.
Get books, comics, graphic novels and more at bunny17media.com. Use the code CHC at checkout for 15% off your purchase!
Click here to listen or right click and choose "Save Link As..." to download.
...tis a funny thing how some folks feel about fate and karma. Once things are set in motion, whether on purpose or by chance, the end result...whatever it is...is inescapable and irreparable...or so they say. And the intangible & oh-so transparent driver of that karma is...well, let's just say that it's hardly prejudice towards whether the actions or intentions that put the karma into play, are good or bad...just or unjust...intentional or unintentional. Let's face it: what will invariably happen, willinvariably happen; think of it not unlike that of the dark side of Newton's 3rd Law. They say that you can't run from it...you can't hide from it...you can't ignore it...you can't just to a 180-degree turnabout, playin' all goodie-goodie, and not expect the bad, or at the very least the wholly unexpected, to catch up with you, if it was meant to be.....
Kevin and Dalyn head to Jeff's place to discuss new Marvel trailers, kids' movies, the releas of Back Woods 2 (including Kevin's creepy #MeToo story from the set), Jeff's weird dream, some new Xbox game reviews, Gloryhoundd's Blood Bowl II league, Black Mirror, the new Andre the Giant documentary, and more.
Click here to listen or right click and choose "Save Link As..." to download.
Cinema Head Cheese is sponsored by Bunny 17 Media. Use the code CHC and get 15% off of all books, ebooks, and more. We are also sponsored MoviePass. See unlimited movies at a theater near you for a low monthly rate.
