Cinema Head Cheese - Movie Reviews, News, a Podcast and more!: November 2019

November 28, 2019

Thankskilling (2009) Movie Review

I did notice that this film was reviewed back in 2011. But as Thanksgiving is upon us (hopefully I upload this on the holiday proper), I thought it might be a good time to revisit this gem. And by gem I mean pile of crap that gives me the proper excuse to start my holiday drinking early.

Here’s the breakdown (and I don’t mean mine after watching this). Five unlucky college kids are headed home for Thanksgiving break. On the way, they’re gonna go party somewhere because reasons, then go home for the holiday. Unfortunately, Johnny’s Jeep breaks down and they’re all stranded for the night. But that’s okay! We have camping gear (why again?) and beer. Let’s just drink and be young and free and do what we want because we’re in college!

Unfortunately, again, the breakdown strands them in Crawberg, the infamous town where, in 1621, some jack ass pilgrim raped a local Indian chief’s daughter. The chief calls a curse down upon the white man via a murderous turkey (okkaaaay). In fact, all whites are in danger now as the bird slaughters his way through the population. And every 505 years, it will rise again to kill any white folks that cross its path.

And because math sucks harder than your mom trying to earn enough cash for that Gucci handbag she’s always wanted, no one wants to wait that long. Cue the local redneck’s dog who pees on the dollar store decoration - I mean, ancient tribal totem pole - thereby resurrecting said turkey a tad early.

I mean, wouldn’t you rise from the dark realm if someone peed on your grave, or sacred lawn ornament? I think you would.

Now officially pissed on, and off, the turkey is hell bent on finding the closest white people he can to exact revenge, murder, and some convenient bestiality (yes, that’s what I said) to fulfill the Indian curse.

Will the kids survive long enough to end the terror? Do we care? Probably not.

It's NOT a phase! I'm a hooman on the inside!

Here’s what’s wrong with this movie. I don’t mind horror and comedy together, but when the writers want to fit in every fucking *winkwink* and nod and pointed finger, acknowledging they’re in a movie or ridiculous reasoning or cliched theme/character, it honestly worsens the whole thing. Once you’ve jammed that 47th elbow to the ribs over yet another double entendre or trope, no one gives a shit about how clever and funny you are(n’t).

Along with that are the cliched characters: jock, fat slob, slut, nerd, and good girl. Not to mention the redneck, the clueless sheriff dad, and the father who only loves his son when he’s first string quarterback. Let’s not forget the gratuitous boobie shot and the big boobie Pilgrim attached to them (played by porn actress Wanda Lust) who’s chased down, bouncing titties and all, and killed after the curse is first created.

And if all that wasn’t ham-fisted enough for you, after the turkey is defeated, he’s thrown on top of some radioactive waste, that just happens to be in an open garbage can out in the middle of the woods (because where else would it be). That, naturally, brings our dastardly villain back to life so he can keep killing. Well, at least one more character before our virginal heroine chops off its head and throws it on the fire.

Fin, where the credits tell us “to be continued…in space.”

I think I rolled my eyes so hard that I kinked my optic nerve.

Mama?

Now, all that said, as I was writing up this review, I actually found a few redeeming aspects. The original music ain’t half bad. Add in those turkey gobbling noises, and it’s rather amusing. The kills are epic. Practical effects, nice and sloppy with the gore. The killer turkey is obviously a hand puppet, which is hilarious. Seems impossible, but any low budget CGI would have made this flick worse, so the practical effects and character are very much appreciated. But the main saving grace of this movie is it’s just over an hour long.

There aren’t a lot of Thanksgiving horror films out there so we have to take what we can get. And while this isn’t a great film, I appreciate the creators taking the time to show some horror love to an underrepresented, and many times overlooked, holiday.

1.5 hatchets (out of 5)

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November 20, 2019

Movie Review: SHHHH (2018)

I understand the appeal of horror and comedy mashing it up. I also understand the absolute HATRED of the mixed genre, because it’s either very good or fucking awful. I’m gonna have to go with the latter for my review of this flick.

SHHHH stars James Henderson as Harris, a struggling film maker in Los Angeles (how original and unexpected.) While trying to make ends meet with his job at a crappy video store—do those still exist?—he spends most of his spare time, when not making movies, with his mom at the theater. They love to go see films together, even lesbian vampires feeling each other up and licking each other’s nipples. And while they do have fun, there’s always some asshole ruining the experience: the food wrapper crinkler, the guy on his phone the whole time, the talkers, the super tall people who sit RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU despite all the other empty seats...it’s enough to drive Harris to murder.

Movie Review: Space Boobs in Space (2017)

I actually volunteered to review this. I just don’t know who I am anymore...

Space Boobs in Space begins with a blonde, busty, plastic-bustier wearing crew person, I guess, reviewing a missive from...wherever. The message is pretty clear: don’t watch the file we’ve included on this disc.

THEN WHY INCLUDE IT???

Anyway, she watches it. It’s basically a copy of an alien talk show, Space Talk, hosted by the green skinned Zee Zee Poof. This particular episode is all about the film, Space Boobs in Space, a collaboration between her species and Earthlings. But not just that! Included are a handful of short films, again made with the Earthlings, as well as interviews with cast and crew.

SBiS tells us the alien race is desperate for human breast milk because their own green titty drink makes them live longer with less fine lines and wrinkles. They’ve had to curb their sexual reproduction, for crying out loud! They lure Earthlings to their planet where they reap the benefits of Earth’s dirty pillows and in exchange, Earth gets the Irilidian green boobie juice and all its health benefits.

The short films in between the talk show’s interviews include: "Operate" (a woman hires a hooker to play the game, Operation, against her hoo-ha), "A Killer Deal" (real estate agent trying to sell some land to Jason Voorhees), "Horror Hands" (woman gets a call from a killer in her house then her hands create dramatic music with everything she touches), "Cheesecake" (woman eating cheesecake seductively in a bathtub shot exploitation style), "Horror of Sandy Creek" (guy filming a documentary about a mud monster), "Ghosted" (dead woman helps living woman NOT become a victim), and finally "Lapdance at the Gates of Hell" (stripper gives vampire a lapdance).

Then we return to the opening mammary madame, she finishes watching the file, grabs some kind of laser rifle, and walks off screen.

I, uh...yeah.

Oh, wait. Can't forget the final wrap up with Grand Dame Muff Tit (Ming Vase Dynasty) with 10 minutes of absolutely annoying, useless, rage-inducing filler of bullshit just so she can have more screen time (that's my guess anyway because there's nothing funny or entertaining about it at all).

The entire premise is completely ridiculous, silly, asinine, campy, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, and boobilicious. But there’s no nudity. If you’re looking for full-frontal, simulated sex, or anything above PG-13, you won’t find it here. I couldn’t find a lot of info on the cast of SBiS but I’m 98% sure they’re all Burlesque performers. It’s all about the tease and the titillation, not the reveal.

Starring actresses like Dee Flowered (also one of the writers), Pandora Disaster, Tittiana Sprinkles, and Cocquette De Jour, you just KNOW this is gonna be fun. Mostly, anyway.

While the acting is horrendous, especially from Ming Vase Dynasty (the lone drag queen as far as I could tell), the stories were mostly enjoyable. My favorite had to be "A Killer Deal". Best acting and probably the funniest premise of all the shorts. "Ghosted" was a little predictable and "Horror Hands" just made me shake my head. The rest were pretty good.

The overall film’s pace was decent but it did start to slow down around the Mud Monster vignette. I found myself getting a bit bored as the same style played out over and over in each section (short, major film, talk show). I mean it’s nice to have ice cream every night but what would be even better is to throw in a brownie or maybe some pie (heh) every now and again.

Overall, this was kind of fun to watch. The jokes were silly, the ideas playful, and the titties WERE glorious.

2.5 hatchets (out of 5)

(Sorry - can't find a trailer anywhere for this. It's basically just on Amazon Prime.)

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November 1, 2019

A Binge too Far #7: Nazi propaganda documentary duo (1935 – 1940)

Adolf Hitler in a frame from The Triumph of the Will (1935)

When it comes to real life horrors, it is pretty impossible to think of anything worse than the Nazis; the terror and torture they spread through war crimes and more is unmatchable, history has shown. It was inevitable then that the Nazis would make for perfect cinematic villains. The brief Nazisploitation phenomenon is one of my favorite exploitation film subgenres. But whilst that damned momentum of genre film history has been covered to death, not much has been said about actual Nazi cinema; yes, the films that the actual German Social-Nationalist was poisoning the world with. To be honest, I’m not interested in it either, but I thought I’d take a brief look at it, and I picked the two most well-known documentaries and my views are shared bellow.

The Triumph of the Will (1935) poster

The Triumph of the Will (1935)

This was directed by actress-turned-filmmaker Leni Riefenstahl (one of the first women directors) and it is about the well-documented rally of the Nazi party that took place in Nuremberg, Germany (if they only knew that the same city would become their nemesis, via the famous trials).

It is exhausting at almost two hours long (I mean, how many Nazi marches can one see?), but it is admittedly well-shot (no expenses were spared) and quite megalomaniac (not unlike the Nazi party’s leader) at least for a 1930s documentary subject. Repetitive as it is, the words that are uttered by the leaders of the Nazi party are simply stomach-churning. It had me thinking that Hitler was a charismatic leader, but obviously a terrible abomination of a human being that seemed psychotic.

You will notice that among the many members of the Nazi party that take the microphone (Rudolph Hess being the most ‘popular’ of them) many are missing, because this was shot after the Night of the Long Knifes, during which several party members were murdered.

Considering the artistry with which Riefenstahl work and the methods with which she creates powerful images (although the subject matter was powerful enough anyway), this became one of the most inspirational propaganda films ever made. Yes, what it propagandizes is terrible and despicable, but the way it does it is really astounding. Just imagine such a film for humanist ideas, although one could argue that good ideas wouldn’t need to be propagandized.

The Eternal Jew (1940) poster.

The Eternal Jew (1940)

Directed by loyal Nazi filmmaker Fritz Hippler (he was a prominent member of the Propaganda Ministry of the Third Reich), this hour-long documentary, as you might have already guessed from the title, is about the Jews in general, and how those are a problem for the Aryan race in particular.

In order to be able to see it, you’ll have to have a strong enough stomach as you’ll get to see Jewish migration compared to rat infestation and hear astounding claims such as the one in which the Jews are described as “a race of parasites”.

What is really worrying about several of the doc’s arguments is how many of them are still popular among alt-right politicians, such as the claim that Jews are all about making money by buying and selling stuff, without really producing anything.

The end result is basically a collage of images of Jewish people (mainly filmed at ghettos in Poland, shortly after that country was invaded by the Nazis) accompanied by an unintentionally hilarious narration by actor Harry Geise that presents tampered data that would only be believed today by far-right wing sympathizers.

Conclusion

Emetic and vile, The Triumph of the Will (1935) – ordered to be made by Adolf Hitler, and The Eternal Jew (1940) – ordered to be made by Joseph Goebbels, rank amongst the most disgusting pieces of celluloid that I have ever seen, and they can be recommended to nobody other than academics with an interest in the atrocities of the Third Reich. This is also the only way to screen both films in Germany, as although they are not banned per se, they can only be shown for educational purposes.