About 98% of the time I watch modern, indie horror films, I’m
disappointed. The kind of disappointment your mother feels whenever you leave
the house in your cut off sweats, the raggedy-ass Iron Maiden t-shirt from high
school, and that damned baseball cap you got free for being the millionth
customer at the local Choke and Puke.
So what about the other 2%? That, my friends, is an ever-widening
circle that’s filling with pleasant surprises and genuine delight at the few
indie horror movies I’ve enjoyed. I’m actually starting to compile a list of these films, as
I think they will deserve a future shout out.
And this film, ridiculously titled but so apropos, has made that
2% list.
Inhumanwich tells us the story of Joe Neuman, astronaut extraordinaire,
flying in a rocket that employs the latest in artificial gravity technology. When
it’s functioning, he can engage in all sorts of activities normally impossible
in zero-gravity space, including eating his favorite sandwich, a Sloppy Joe. Unfortunately,
this new tech is powered with radioactive materials and, as you might guess,
something goes wrong.
After the rocket is pummeled by meteors, the artificial gravity
device ruptures, and radioactive material leaks into the cockpit. In the resulting
tumult, Joe falls on top of his Sloppy Joe, right smack dab in the middle of a
puddle of Danger Fluid, as the capsule crashes to earth. Joe mutates into a
giant blob of meat that devours everything and everyone it his path.
It’s up to the crack scientists and analysts back at the space
shop to figure out what the hell happened, and how to stop Joe’s ravenous
rampage!
This is one of those films where you can tell the people making
it are just having the time of their lives. I don’t think anyone planned to
make a movie that was groundbreaking, thought-provoking, life changing, or
explored any deep thoughts of human nature. This was 100% pure entertainment. (think
Blown, with CHC’s very own Kevin Moyers, Jeff Dolniak, and David Hayes)
It’s shot in black and white, so it has a nice throw-back feel to
the monster movies of the fifties and sixties. The dialogue is super corny, which also
adds to the vintage feel. The jokes themselves don’t just poke at the Velveeta
cheese humor, but goes so far as to make that chili cheese dip from the
commercials, and everyone swims in it with great gusto. In fact, I had to pause
the movie TWICE because I was laughing so hard.
The sound, editing, and cinematography are of a much higher quality
than I expected. So often the sound effects are louder than the dialogue;
editing is sloppy; and many film makers don’t know what cinematography is, let
alone know how to execute it. This film was well made from start to finish.
Now, does that mean it has no flaws? What, are you new here or
something?
Most of the acting is pretty bad. The top three characters – Ed Farley
(Matt Laumann), Dr. Chang (Michael Peake), and Floyd (Jack Burrows) – were the
best of the bunch. Lisa Neuman (Kayla Clark) wasn’t too bad, and she actually
stole a scene where she never spoke, but kneed an overzealous soldier in the
nuts. Most everyone else was over-acting, just there as a favor to the
filmmakers, or so awkward he kept half smiling at every line of dialogue or
looked into the camera. coughcoughMattSpahrcoughcough. But in
indie horror, I don’t really expect Gary Oldman levels of talent, you know?
The CGI is, obviously, terrible. But even in low-budget, I’ve
seen better. I can only speculate they did that on purpose. Gods know the
technology of the classic monster movies is rather crap, so it could be a nod to
that. Or it was the best they could afford and has nothing whatsoever to do
with nostalgia or paying homage to the bygone era of film.
I don’t want to end on a negative, so I’ll share with you one of
my favorite jokes from the movie (I’d spoil the climactic ending if I shared my
second favorite):
Lisa finally arrives at the space institute after hearing about
Joe’s accident:
“I got here as fast as I could.” “Well, maybe you should try
harder next time.”
Maybe that doesn’t sound super hilarious delivered so dryly on
paper, but trust me, within the context of the film, it’s HIGH-larious.
3.5 hatches (out of 5)
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