Yeah, I suck as a movie reviewer. At least in 2022. So let’s get some holiday-themed trash on the site and try harder for 2023.
Good? Good.
It only seems fitting to present some absolute crap for my first movie review since…February. Dayum. 2019’s Giftwrapped and Gutted comes to us from W.A.V.E. Productions but probably should have been flushed directly down the toilet instead of released into the world. Mall Santa Chuck is fired for too much drinking on the job. And instead of taking a hint and cleaning up his act, he uses this opportunity to stalk and kill a bunch of local waitresses, and wet t-shirt hotties, from him favorite watering hole.
I know. I don’t get it either but here we are.
But wait! Before this story gets going, we are treated to a movie within the movie. The opening few minutes are of another shitty Christmas horror movie playing on Chuck’s boss’s office tv. Whining about why these terrible films keep being made the manager THEN decides to fire Chuck.
By the way, the Manager is played by the writer/director/fx/editing/cinematography/producer guy for Giftwrapped and Gutted, Gary Whitson.
Wow, that’s sooooo meta.
Anyhoo, Chuck sulks home where he is berated by his nagging wife. He snaps and hog ties her with some Christmas lights. Somehow she manages to choke herself to death while struggling to get out of her binding, which pleases Chuck to no end, and he’s off to kill some titty women.
The only other important details….well, maybe not ‘important’ but
at least give us some inkling of the life ending asbestos plot fibers…are the
waitresses are having a party at Holly’s house and then murdered one by one. There
is one survivor but I won’t spoil it for you.
FUCK ME…..
I mean, when I find movies to review for CHC, I don’t expect great. I hardly expect good. But I do expect to be entertained. And kids, this is NOT the film for that. I’ve never seen a W.A.V.E. production before but from what I’ve been told, and from the title sequences alone, I can sus out what they like to bring to the table. Mostly bondage and strangling. And nips.
Let’s get all the bad out of the way first. Needless to say, but
I will, all the terrible things in this flick are below (this is by no means a
complete list):
·
Acting
·
Directing
·
Writing
·
Character development
·
Casting
·
Production
·
Cinematography
·
Set design
·
Green Screen
·
Special Effects
·
Sound
·
Lighting
·
Music
·
Entertainment value
I mean, you know it’s super low budget when two actresses are used to play two different sets of twins (Holly and Polly, Angel and Sage) and one actor plays two characters (Chick the bartender and Stripper Santa). I guess it’s a good use of the $3400 budget but…they really couldn’t find three other people to act the parts – and I use that term, act, VERY loosely.
This film could also have been better as a short. There was AT LEAST 30-40 minutes of padding time filled with inane chatter between the girls at the party, Santa Chuck prepping for murder or dragging out a final kill (if he had fabric scissors, it could have gone faster), victim struggling and whimpering, the whole ‘movie within a movie’ time waste at the start, the wet t-shirt competition, the bobbing for apples scene, etc.
Jesus take the wheel.
Believe it or not, I did appreciate a couple things. While the special effects are total crap, I do prefer practical over CGI. And there was quite a bit of it, in the opening movie clip and the main film itself. There was obvious green screen shit going on but I do like a good skin chew or flow of blood.
And yes, many scenes were padded and dragged out. But to be honest, and maybe they didn’t do this on purpose, strangling someone takes time. It’s not five-seconds of wham, bam, slam, you’re dead. I don’t expect complete realism in my movies all the time but when the rest of the flick is so fucking terrible, it’s refreshing to see this small aspect represented.
Funnily enough, two of the scenes where Chuck strangles someone are both with the actress, Debbie D. As Sage, Chuck garottes her, and as Angel, he manually strangles her. It takes a while for both of them to die. She’s convincingly believable.
But that’s about all I can praise in this shitastic shitshow. I have no intention of ever watching another W.A.V.E. Productions film. But if you’re into terrible awkward acting, wet titties, and bondage, then boy do I have the movie for you.
¼ hatchet (out of 5)
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