Movie Review: Crazy Eights (2006)

by Hollis Jay

At three in the morning, I found myself alone and left unattended. I had nothing to do the next day, so I went channel surfing which can be a very dangerous thing to do….at three in the morning….when no one else is around….especially when you find Crazy Eights on your television. I honestly don’t know why I started watching it. It has the two actresses and/or actors that I usually avoid upon contingency of death: Dina Meyer (except for Starship Troopers) and Traci Lords due to my effective and energetic imaginative process which can only see her with her mouth hanging half open in a seemingly misplaced orgasmic moment. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to my instincts. Maybe I wasn’t thinking or the fact that this movie was part of the eight films to die for series messed with my senses and had me ignore my own free will due to the production of some great horror movies, like The Hamilton’s and Penny Dreadful. But, I did ignore my baser instincts and merged head first into bad horror.

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Truly bad horror isn’t funny. It isn’t even laughable. The only choice that I found that was appropriate was to hang on to the small amount of optimism that I had left and hope for a change for the best. But it never came. The story just went from bad to worse in this unending and confusing mess of bad acting and HORRIBLE story writing. I can’t even say for sure which was worse.

All I know for sure is that the beginning began as another cliché horror movie: long lost friends (you may now wonder, are there eight of them?) get together after the death of a loved one and/or friend. After that the plot line gets all fuzzy, like I’m in the middle of a bad cold or drunk bingo night at the senior center. Everything is messy and unruly and it isn’t like James K. Jones, the director, is breaking the law in a good way-it’s more like he’s committing murder of all future horror endeavors ever being connected to his name ever again.

Plus, nothing ever connects. Even the people in the movie don’t seem to really connect to one another. And we don’t feel anything for them, so when they eventually die (which I was praying for the entire time and happy to see) we don’t care accept for the fact that soon none of them will exist for there to be a movie anymore. I have to say that I even swigged a few back during this one to try and make the plot less plot a little bit more happening, but they only got fuzzier and more detached than they already were to begin with proving that even the effects of alcohol did not and could not improve this movie.

I wasn’t even sure where and/or when the ghost of their friend/girl that they might have killed showed up, or if she did while I was counting the lines on the clock. All I know is this: friends show up for other friend’s funeral. They are told to follow a map in honor of their supposed friend’s demise. Some want to go home and not follow the map. Some want to follow the map. Arguing ensues. They follow the map. They find a dead body in a trunk. They go back to the car. They travel in circles. They get locked inside of a trying too hard to be creepy house looking for i.e. the dead girl or themselves and discover that they once lived in this old house but that they have suppressed and/or dreamed of this house without knowing that they once lived here together i.e. Dallas in the shower with Bobby.

In the end, I have to be honest. I was just praying that it would all end, so that my horror palate wouldn’t be so tainted and more importantly so that I could grab another Stella from the fridge and go to sleep. All in all, I would rather gut myself again than watch even a portion of this movie. I’m not sure what that says to you, but I would advise to stay away from everything Crazy Eight related-accept maybe for the band.