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May 2, 2013

Movie Review: Sexsquatch (2012)

I've got three words to start this movie review and they are three words I never would have predicted I would ever say: it's no Repligator.

But with names like Tobe Lerone, Spamuel L. Jackson, and PJ O'Pootertoot gracing the credits, how could it be anything but a let down?

Sexsquatch is a juvenile attempt at the horror/comedy/sexploitation film genre. Filmed entirely on location in New York (and by that I mean these guys got to use the entire backyard and 10 feet of lake behind someone's mom's house) Sexsquatch is the story of a giant hairy ape-man, named Stinkfist, from outer space who has come to earth on a bet that he can kill and rape more people and buttholes than his overlord.

Helping the Sexsquatch on his fascinating quest is Marmalade, the local homeless spaz, who talks her way out of being killed and raped (yes, that's the order Sexsquatch does it) by leading the not so gentle but surprisingly well spoken giant to a group of young people throwing a "Let's Help Joey Lose His Virginity" party. AKA a convenient gathering of disposable victims. Despite finding one friend disemboweled and violated, the group must party on. It's the best way to honor his memory. And it's the only way to keep them distracted long enough for Sexsquatch to have his way with them.

Will any of them survive? Will they be able to stop...

Oh, who the fuck cares?

Seriously, this whole film felt like it was co-written by a 12 year old boy that just discovered Juggs magazine and how it makes his special place feel all warm and tingly. The other writer must have been a 70 year old British language professor because words like "homunculus" and "ocular nodes" get thrown in between all the euphemisms for genitalia and ejaculation.

Needless to say, but I will anyway, the acting was horrific. I understand that the actors were exaggerating their movements and accents for comedic affect. Too bad none of the dialogue or plot was funny. At all. I think they also tried to up the humor by having the character of Skippy squint like Robert Dinero and toss around non-sequiturs. Didn't help. Honestly, I think they just tried too hard.

As awful as the movie was on the whole (if you're just listening to this review, that'll come off like a brilliant joke; so will that), I have to say the Sexsquatch made me laugh. His purpose is to kill and rape but his dialogue makes you think he must have been Shakespeare in a former life. The costume didn't fit the actor all that well so it looked like he was wearing fuzzy floods as he waxed poetic about taking a dump in the woods. The character of Marmalade was okay but in combination with the Sexsquatch? Movie gold. Well, gold plating at least.

The best part of this movie? The extras, namely the two trailers for Ms. Cannibal Holocaust and Clay, movies written and/or directed by Rob Bonk, who was also an executive producer for Sexsquatch. I hope the powers that be at Cinema Head Cheese put me on the short list to review one of those! But for this train wreck, I might just have to slap someone.

0 (out of 5) hatchets

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