Atomic Swan Films - A Review of Various Shorts PART 2

All righty. Let's continue our journey down Atomic Swan Films lane, shall we? Here we go with Part 2.

PEDIE THE CLOWN COLLECTION

I reviewed the Vampire Hunter one from 2019 and you can read that HERE. This short is called:

Pedie the Clown Sex Educator (2022)

(I’m already dying)

Again we have an instructional video from Pedie the Clown only this time, instead of prepping us for vampire hunting, he is teaching children about the female reproductive system. It’s a little like Pee Wee’s Playhouse but instead of talking furniture and childlike wonder, we get an oversexed pedo with a medical illustration poster.

The kids learn all about the clitoris, the honey hole, eating babies, bush, crabs, the word of the day “Vagina,” and how to effectively use your tongue for the little man in the canoe.

(What is happening??)

 

I just…okay, look. It’s no secret here at Cinema Headcheese that I have the humor of a 12-year old boy. So I find this short film FUCKING HILARIOUS. Nearly as funny as the Vampire Hunter one. Tuan Edwards has a lot of fun playing Pedie and it shows, especially when he starts laughing through his lines. If you have a good, irreverent sense of humor and are not easily offended, then Pedie the Clown series is for you!

This is from the Vampire Hunter short but I just needed you to get the idea of who/what Pedie is.

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INDIE FILMS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Some kind of movie host is presenting the greatest movies in the world that you’ve never seen. Hey, toot your own horn, man. Who else is gonna do it? We’re presented with three killer or mutated or weird ass animal movies and they are, sort of, connected.

 

Killer Raccoon Fish in 3D (2016)

We begin in Creaming, KY (because of COURSE we do) where a girl is yelling at a bunch of sculpture pieces that she claims got her fired. As she gyrates and sexy dances around/on them (this goes on for some time), a mysterious stranger sneaks up on her, knocks her out, and takes her to some kind of basement laboratory.

Dr. Doctor has (holy shit, it’s Chris Ringler. I know that guy!) kidnapped her and plans to combine her with a racoon and a fish to make, you guessed it, a killer raccoon fish. The creature wreaks havoc all over town but the Mayor refuses to cancel any public celebrations and activities. After he jerks off and takes a massive shit, credits roll.

If you had 3D glasses, this picture would make more sense.

Uh…wut? I honestly didn’t know a lot of what was going on because the audio is absolute shite. It was also the most nonsensical film of everything I’ve watched so far and that’s saying something. While the 3-D effect is not that bad, it’s actually easier to see what’s happening without the 3D glasses (which were included with the DVD – so that’s pretty cool).

 

Radioactive Skunk (I assume it’s 2016 as well)

The ending of the killer racoon fish movie is copied and pasted into the beginning of this one.

The Kid is speaking to…someone on the phone about going in to rescue his sister from Dr. Doctor (remember the gyrating chick from the previous film?) and if he doesn’t call back, contact Squint, a professional commando three days from retirement. There’s something else about a radioactive skunk but honestly, it doesn’t matter at all.

Naturally, The Kid doesn’t call back. Dr. Doctor has captured him and sprays him with some hallucinogenic liquid. But why though?

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

Squint finally shows up for the rescue mission, and a bunch of other commandos do, too. Shenanigans ensue – we assume because some title screens pop up about how the movie studio didn’t like how the big fight sequence turned out so they just explain what went down - and the Doctor escapes, after Squint is tricked into some chamber where he’s Brindleflied into another person.

Da FUQ?

Honestly, I have no idea what happened in this movie. The audio was terrible again so it was hard to hear all the pontificating exposition. Chris Ringler is fun as Dr. Doctor, especially while wearing a cooking pot on his head.

 

Quick little promo before the next killer animal film shows a conversation between two guys and a muppet about "Attack of the 6-foot Squirrel." My guess is this is some kind of promo…? Anyhoo, we finally get to the last of the killer animal shorts with:

Night of the Werebeaver (2019)

Three people are inside a small shelter playing cards while a couple guys patrol the perimeter. Apparently there’s a werebeaver on the prowl and it’s very dangerous. Also if you eat werebeaver shit (WHO IS DOING THIS??) you’ll get all high or something. So when the werebeaver finally rears its ugly (Halloween mask) head, pretty much only Corporal Half-Sack can fight it. But the creature just flips him off and scampers out into the night.

Uh..wut?

Most of the audio is gods awful; Half-Sack is just scream-improvising his lines; and there’s really no point to any of this.

I got nothing else.

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EXPERIMENTAL TALES (2023)

I reviewed a bunch of shorts in this collection already (listed below). There were in a different collection called Tales of Time but seemed to have just been added into this new set. DOESN’T MATTER.

- 357

- Experiment 7734

- seven/eleven

- The Longest 20 Seconds

- Wet

I already reviewed the first four that you can read HERE and "Wet" was reviewed in Part One of this two part post, which you can read HERE. The two new shorts I watched are:

 

What is the Nightcrawler? (2023)

The same newscaster from Canado is reporting on the so-called Nightcrawler, a creature that puts victims in a trance and then has its way with them. After his special guest, the janitor, talks on camera, the newscaster quits because his job sucks.

 

I mean…it all felt improvised. Some stuff was kind of funny; most was not. A lot of words and ideas are thrown around but don’t really work together. It’s like trying to put together a puzzle with pieces from ten different sets.

 

The Executive

Basically this is some kind of producer looking at a clip from Manila Extract. He thinks the idea for this flick is dumb. He’d rather see a guy who puts on kids shows after he’s gotten out of prison (i.e., Pedie the Clown). That has more substance!

 

The producer is played by Tuan Edwards who is also Pedie the Clown. Uh, this just felt like filler. But hell, I’m all for more Tuan Edwards!

 

That wraps up Part 2. Atomic Swan Films brings us some crap, and some funny and less bad crap in all shapes and sizes. Not the best out there in filmland but certainly not the worst. Honestly their films are mostly enjoyable to watch, and at least useful just to have some background noise on while you masturbate and you don’t want your roommates to hear you.

Just keep your eyes and ears open as I'm sure this won't be the last ASF offerings I'll review.

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Atomic Swan Films - A Review of Various Shorts Part 1

I got a bunch of DVDs from my buddy, Tyler Zicafoose, back in April of 2023. I finally got around to watching them all just a few weeks ago (sorry, Tyler). There are quite a few I need to review so I’ll break this into two parts. I did review some Atomic Swan films before for Cinema Headcheese so you should already be well vaccinated.

For now, we’ll start with a few shorts and the slightly longer form film in one post, and the rest of the shorts in another. Where appropriate, I’ll link those aforementioned reviews I’ve already done.

But enough chit chat - let’s get this Atomic Swan party started!

(Hopefully my notes are good enough and will help me remember what the heck happened in all these movies! Also I’m mostly reviewing these in the order I watched them, not necessarily the order they were made. Just fyi.)

PART 1

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Udo - Welcome to Future Germany (2022)

Our first short is extremely simple - a man, Udo, is visiting America, and he is from Future Germany. An American journalist is interviewing him.

Really, that’s about it. Udo says a bunch of absurd things about puberty, sex, and expressionism, while petting various stuffed animals. His accent is highlighted by groaning and no, he’s not constipated. Everyone in Future Germany speaks zat vay because sensssual.

It’s basically a short film filled with bad jokes, a bad wig, and beatnik glasses. Though I admit to LOL’ing when the interviewer asked, SEVERAL TIMES, if Udo was constipated because of all the groaning.

#imsecretly12 #itsnotasecret

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Canado (2020)

A crazy weather event has occurred and Carlos Ortega Rodriguez Baguette is on the scene with a family devastated by the chaos left behind. A tornado of cans, a CANADO, ripped through their yard depositing endless piles of tin cans. The couple who own the property called it a government conspiracy because they can’t even take the cans back for their deposits because of The Rona.

Conclusion? Carlos doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. It’s a god damned mess and someone has to clean it up, though he believes the family is just lying because they don’t want to clean up the giant mess they made after having a party. DURING THE RONA.

 

Yes, it is as ridiculous as it sounds. But my Atomic Swan bias, Tuan Edwards, is damned fun as the newscaster. I’m pretty sure he improvises a lot of his dialogue, and his interview sign-off “Keep on Trucking” was unexpected and got whoever was behind the camera to laugh. Probably should have edited that out, though.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Manila Extract (2019)

The short and curlies on this one: VP’s son is kidnapped by terrorists in the South Pacific. Team One gets caught - basically a trained assassin (The Babushka) and his spotter (whatever the fuck that is). So Major Jameson sends in Team Two, which consists of a rag-tag collection of soldiers and possibly a new recruit and some random Vietnamese guy whose multiple personalities are triggered by certain words. Eventually they are caught but before that, they rescue the Babushka who is basically a low-rent Jesus in drag makeup.

So now Jameson has to thaw out Team Two’s leader’s buddy, Half-Sack, so he can go in and rescue everyone.

Um…whadafuq?

Okay, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. The audio was pretty shit. I couldn’t hear most of the dialogue - and I have hearing aids now, people, so it’s not me. A bunch of scenes dragged on far too long, the interviewing process for Team Two being a prime example, and top of that, the interviewer kept interrupting the interviewees making it even MORE DIFFICULT to hear what they were saying.

The section where Team Two has split up and everyone’s looking for these damned terrorists is another pacing issue. Drags like bare skin on gravel, man. While some bits played out during this time were kinda funny, overall it just slowed everything down too much.

I understand these characters are caricatures and not tied down to any normal professional rescue team behavior, it still kinda pulls the viewer out of the story when they are ALL YELLING AT EACH OTHER while trying to sneak their way through the terrorists’ compound. And what’s that ending? Who is Corporal Half Sack? Why is he frozen? Was this a nod to Demolition Man and you gotta send in a crazy guy to do crazy guy stuff?

That said, I did enjoy some of the movie.

Not gonna lie - the opening music kinda bops. Looks like it’s from Kevin MacLeod at incompetech.com (free music source?)

I did like the sole female soldier recruited for the mission: Connie Cougarsmith, played by Janell Jagger, she of Canado fame. She had a sassy little chip on her shoulder and played it well. And, of course my boy, Tuan Edwards, was the Vietnamese guy with multiple personalities. I don’t know why but his character’s special skill of being really small so he could fit places most people can’t really hit hard as Tuan just crouched under a table where they had their briefings. I don’t know why that was so funny to me but I loved it.

As usual, I think Tuan improvised quite a bit. Someone correct me if that’s not true because sometimes his lines hit like Mike Tyson and others flop like Austin Powers thinking of Margaret Thatcher on a cold day. I’m nearly positive there was a fuck up in one scene with him and two other team members - a grenade fell off the one guy’s vest, without the pin - and though Tuan was giggling, they all just went with it and moved on. Probably one of my fav scenes, actually. The show’s gotta go on, right?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

MURDER BALLADS (All stories written and directed by Charles Shaver – I think)

Among Thieves (2011)

Couple of robbers, Burke and Red, breaking into homes to steal what they can and head up to Mackinac. After unnecessarily killing a home owner, they pick up Red’s cousin, Smitty (SPOILER: he’s actually Red’s brother but Smitty doesn’t know that so shut the fuck up) to join the spree. The three come upon a random homeowner out doing yardwork, minding his own damn business, and decide to rob him, too. And maybe have some fun with his hot young wife.

Doesn’t go so well because they kill the couple then go on the run, hiding in an abandoned barn. And that doesn’t go well either because the cops find them, a shootout ensues, and Smitty is the only survivor who drives off into the sunset. (Well, technically rain but whatever)

While the story is pretty basic on this one, I have to say it’s probably my favorite short film of the bunch I watched. Best acting of all the shorts, good characters, fun dialogue, and I loved the ending. Also the ending credits rolled with just the rain as the soundtrack. Pretty impactful.

 

Wet (2013)

Man dressed as the god, Anubis, is torturing a woman. His philosophy is that the purpose of humanity is to make the world wet with blood. But after cutting out her eye, he releases her so she can tell the world he’s coming.

 

Uh…wut?

I admit that the woman actress was great. I totally believed her suffering. And while I kind of get what the writing meant when the Anubis guy screamed he wasn’t being schizophrenic, it just felt lacking. Yes, this was a short but it could have used a few more minutes of development.

I did appreciate the Ken MacLeod music again. It was used more like ambient or background noise and it fit perfectly.

 

The Process (2014)

A man sits at a computer trying to write a romantic comedy with vampires. While struggling with what to write, there are objects moving around his basement, strange noises, blood in his coffee cup. Once he demands whatever is fucking around with him to help him write or get the fuck out, he sees a dark shape, clutches at his chest, then collapses. He struggles to get back to his computer where he types “The End” and hits print. Then he dies.

 

Uh…wut?

Very quick and simple story. Not really bad, not really good. Nothing special at all but, like the Among Thieves ending, the credits roll with the simple sound of the printer running. That was the best part.

 

Codename: Phantom (2012)

Alexandria Harris hosts a web series about Michigan myths and legends. This particular tale shared by “Bob” and his family is called “The Black Blood of Cecil Drive.” Basically strange goings on happen in Bob’s house - rain in the living room, overwhelming sadness, objects moving on their own - all which started after they began remodeling the bathroom.

After discovering a pool of black goo in the basement, they find out a woman who lived there in the 1960s was murdered by her husband and he hid her body in basement. Bob and his family moved shortly after.

Again, a basic story. But the reenactments are poorly done, the acting is lackluster, and the music is just terrible.

 

Sugar Plum (2011)

Sugar Plum is basically the story of a man and woman but shot like a silent film. The man is obviously homeless and he chats up a woman waiting for the bus as she shares the bench he’s sitting on. He reminisces about being the war and how it haunts him. While the woman is initially cold, she eventually warms up to him the more they speak, and finally accepts his invitation to dance (music they can only hear, I suppose).

The scenes move backward in time from the present, each character appearing younger as they each remember their youths. Eventually they come back to the present, his memories of war still haunting him and she needs to head off somewhere. Sad as he sits alone again, the woman returns briefly to give him some Jordan Almonds (referencing part of their conversation) and then flits away after kissing his cheek.

 

Well that was the most charming little vignette I’ve ever seen. A lovely and unexpected change from the horror films I’d been watching to this point. Kudos to Dean Venderkolk and Corinna Pokorzynski as the man and woman who brought this beautiful little story to life.

 

So there you have Part 1 of my Atomic Swan Films reviews. Stay tuned for Part 2 coming soon.

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A Binge too Far #38 – Swamp of the Pet Sematary reboot (2019 – 2023)

Stunning and eerie Pet Sematary (2019) poster

Creepy Pet Sematary (2019) poster

Pet Sematary (2019)

 

After her sister (Alyssa Brooke Levine, in her debut) died from a spine-related illness (that results in several creepy scenes courtesy of flashbacks), Rachel (Amy Seimetz), her husband (TV actor Jason Clarke), and their kids move to a secluded house in the middle of nowhere, U.S.A. The only problem with this particular quiet location is the big trucks that pass by on occasion from the nearby highway and the tenants should be somewhat careful when crossing the street. One of those trucks kills the family cat, and when its corpse is found by the male lead he asks for the help of friendly neighbor Jud (TV actor John Lithgow) to bury it at the local (and absolutely spooky) pet cemetery. The thing though with this particular cemetery is its haunted history that brings the animals back to life. And so does this cat, but when it comes back, it is not exactly the same cute pet.

 

Stephen King’s Pet Sematary novel had an unfortunate adaptation for the big screen already, namely Pet Sematary (1989), but despite how much this movie was hated by those that saw it, it still spawned a sequel which was even more awful, namely Pet Sematary II (1992). It is no surprise that during the current Stephen King renaissance that the same book is adapted (this time by screenwriter Jeff Buhler, who also penned the same year’s The Prodigy, discussed briefly on this article’s introduction), albeit in much more high-profile fashion. Paramount Pictures was involved and a $21 million budget was utilized. The film went on to gross a massive $112.4, so quite predictably a sequel followed suit.

 

The end result is – to put it frankly – amazing. This is one modern horror film that is scary, vile, and grim. Kevin Kolsch’s and Dennis Widmyer’s direction is full of power, it takes you by surprise, it grabs your face and gives you an experience that you may not be able to forget easily. The cinematography by Laurie Rose (who works mostly in television) is also top notch.

 

Oh, and in case you’re wondering how this film qualifies for inclusion in this column, suffice to say that as long as zombie humans are considered monsters, so do zombie cats. I watched this on my 36^th birthday and it was an amazing gift to me.

 

Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)

Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)

 

Set in 1969 Ludlow (that resembles many a Small Town, U.S.A.) amidst references to the Vietnam War and very little other historical or cultural background, this prequel is about a group of young people who have to face the local ancient evil course.

 

Following the commercial and critical success of the 2019 remake, this prequel directed by Lindsay Anderson Beer (who also penned the screenplay with Jeff Buhler) does not really know where it wants to go, and its story is all over the place, becoming not so much of a tale, but rather an abstract canvas that is employed only as an excuse for a series of gory set-pieces to be showcased. And whereas this would sound like a warning sign by uptight film critics, it is kind of the opposite here and I offer it as a recommendation. Yes, some of the CGI are not so good (luckily the practical effects are really cool), and some of the young actors cannot offer much to the table (and are saved only by the experience of veteran colleagues that include David Duchovny and Pam Grier), but this is a very entertaining film that does its best to scare you or gross you out, and most of the times it succeeds. It premiered at the Fantastic Fest and is now available for streaming at Paramount+. More sequels have been promised and we’ll be here to watch them.

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