For now, we’ll start with a few shorts and the slightly longer form film in one post, and the rest of the shorts in another. Where appropriate, I’ll link those aforementioned reviews I’ve already done.
But enough chit chat - let’s get this Atomic Swan party started!
(Hopefully my notes are good enough and will help me remember what the heck happened in all these movies! Also I’m mostly reviewing these in the order I watched them, not necessarily the order they were made. Just fyi.)
PART 1
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Udo - Welcome to Future Germany (2022)
Our first short is extremely simple - a man, Udo, is visiting America, and he is from Future Germany. An American journalist is interviewing him.
Really, that’s about it. Udo says a bunch of absurd things about puberty, sex, and expressionism, while petting various stuffed animals. His accent is highlighted by groaning and no, he’s not constipated. Everyone in Future Germany speaks zat vay because sensssual.
It’s basically a short film filled with bad jokes, a bad wig, and beatnik glasses. Though I admit to LOL’ing when the interviewer asked, SEVERAL TIMES, if Udo was constipated because of all the groaning.
#imsecretly12 #itsnotasecret
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Canado (2020)
A crazy weather event has occurred and Carlos Ortega Rodriguez Baguette is on the scene with a family devastated by the chaos left behind. A tornado of cans, a CANADO, ripped through their yard depositing endless piles of tin cans. The couple who own the property called it a government conspiracy because they can’t even take the cans back for their deposits because of The Rona.
Conclusion? Carlos doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. It’s a god damned mess and someone has to clean it up, though he believes the family is just lying because they don’t want to clean up the giant mess they made after having a party. DURING THE RONA.
Yes, it is as ridiculous as it sounds. But my Atomic Swan bias, Tuan
Edwards, is damned fun as the newscaster. I’m pretty sure he improvises a lot
of his dialogue, and his interview sign-off “Keep on Trucking” was unexpected
and got whoever was behind the camera to laugh. Probably should have edited
that out, though.
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The Manila Extract (2019)
The short and curlies on this one: VP’s son is kidnapped by terrorists in the South Pacific. Team One gets caught - basically a trained assassin (The Babushka) and his spotter (whatever the fuck that is). So Major Jameson sends in Team Two, which consists of a rag-tag collection of soldiers and possibly a new recruit and some random Vietnamese guy whose multiple personalities are triggered by certain words. Eventually they are caught but before that, they rescue the Babushka who is basically a low-rent Jesus in drag makeup.
So now Jameson has to thaw out Team Two’s leader’s buddy, Half-Sack, so he can go in and rescue everyone.
Um…whadafuq?
Okay, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. The audio was pretty shit. I couldn’t hear most of the dialogue - and I have hearing aids now, people, so it’s not me. A bunch of scenes dragged on far too long, the interviewing process for Team Two being a prime example, and top of that, the interviewer kept interrupting the interviewees making it even MORE DIFFICULT to hear what they were saying.
The section where Team Two has split up and everyone’s looking for these damned terrorists is another pacing issue. Drags like bare skin on gravel, man. While some bits played out during this time were kinda funny, overall it just slowed everything down too much.
I understand these characters are caricatures and not tied down to any normal professional rescue team behavior, it still kinda pulls the viewer out of the story when they are ALL YELLING AT EACH OTHER while trying to sneak their way through the terrorists’ compound. And what’s that ending? Who is Corporal Half Sack? Why is he frozen? Was this a nod to Demolition Man and you gotta send in a crazy guy to do crazy guy stuff?
That said, I did enjoy some of the movie.
Not gonna lie - the opening music kinda bops. Looks like it’s from Kevin MacLeod at incompetech.com (free music source?)
I did like the sole female soldier recruited for the mission: Connie Cougarsmith, played by Janell Jagger, she of Canado fame. She had a sassy little chip on her shoulder and played it well. And, of course my boy, Tuan Edwards, was the Vietnamese guy with multiple personalities. I don’t know why but his character’s special skill of being really small so he could fit places most people can’t really hit hard as Tuan just crouched under a table where they had their briefings. I don’t know why that was so funny to me but I loved it.
As usual, I think Tuan improvised quite a bit. Someone correct me if that’s not true because sometimes his lines hit like Mike Tyson and others flop like Austin Powers thinking of Margaret Thatcher on a cold day. I’m nearly positive there was a fuck up in one scene with him and two other team members - a grenade fell off the one guy’s vest, without the pin - and though Tuan was giggling, they all just went with it and moved on. Probably one of my fav scenes, actually. The show’s gotta go on, right?
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MURDER BALLADS (All stories written and directed by Charles Shaver – I think)
Among Thieves (2011)
Couple of robbers, Burke and Red, breaking into homes to steal what they
can and head up to Mackinac. After unnecessarily killing a home owner, they
pick up Red’s cousin, Smitty (SPOILER: he’s actually Red’s brother but Smitty
doesn’t know that so shut the fuck up) to join the spree. The three come upon a
random homeowner out doing yardwork, minding his own damn business, and decide
to rob him, too. And maybe have some fun with his hot young wife.
Doesn’t go so well because they kill the couple then go on the run, hiding in an abandoned barn. And that doesn’t go well either because the cops find them, a shootout ensues, and Smitty is the only survivor who drives off into the sunset. (Well, technically rain but whatever)
While the story is pretty basic on this one, I have to say it’s probably my favorite short film of the bunch I watched. Best acting of all the shorts, good characters, fun dialogue, and I loved the ending. Also the ending credits rolled with just the rain as the soundtrack. Pretty impactful.
Wet (2013)
Man dressed as the god, Anubis, is torturing a woman. His philosophy is
that the purpose of humanity is to make the world wet with blood. But after
cutting out her eye, he releases her so she can tell the world he’s coming.
Uh…wut?
I admit that the woman actress was great. I totally believed her suffering. And while I kind of get what the writing meant when the Anubis guy screamed he wasn’t being schizophrenic, it just felt lacking. Yes, this was a short but it could have used a few more minutes of development.
I did appreciate the Ken MacLeod music again. It was used more like ambient or background noise and it fit perfectly.
The Process (2014)
A man sits at a computer trying to write a romantic comedy with vampires.
While struggling with what to write, there are objects moving around his
basement, strange noises, blood in his coffee cup. Once he demands whatever is
fucking around with him to help him write or get the fuck out, he sees a dark
shape, clutches at his chest, then collapses. He struggles to get back to his
computer where he types “The End” and hits print. Then he dies.
Uh…wut?
Very quick and simple story. Not really bad, not really good. Nothing special at all but, like the Among Thieves ending, the credits roll with the simple sound of the printer running. That was the best part.
Codename: Phantom (2012)
Alexandria Harris hosts a web series about Michigan myths and legends.
This particular tale shared by “Bob” and his family is called “The Black Blood
of Cecil Drive.” Basically strange goings on happen in Bob’s house - rain in
the living room, overwhelming sadness, objects moving on their own - all which
started after they began remodeling the bathroom.
After discovering a pool of black goo in the basement, they find out a woman who lived there in the 1960s was murdered by her husband and he hid her body in basement. Bob and his family moved shortly after.
Again, a basic story. But the reenactments are poorly done, the acting is
lackluster, and the music is just terrible.
Sugar Plum (2011)
Sugar Plum is basically the story of a man and woman but shot like a
silent film. The man is obviously homeless and he chats up a woman waiting for
the bus as she shares the bench he’s sitting on. He reminisces about being the
war and how it haunts him. While the woman is initially cold, she eventually
warms up to him the more they speak, and finally accepts his invitation to
dance (music they can only hear, I suppose).
The scenes move backward in time from the present, each character appearing younger as they each remember their youths. Eventually they come back to the present, his memories of war still haunting him and she needs to head off somewhere. Sad as he sits alone again, the woman returns briefly to give him some Jordan Almonds (referencing part of their conversation) and then flits away after kissing his cheek.
Well that was the most charming little vignette I’ve ever seen. A lovely
and unexpected change from the horror films I’d been watching to this point.
Kudos to Dean Venderkolk and Corinna Pokorzynski as the man and woman who
brought this beautiful little story to life.
So there you have Part 1 of my Atomic Swan Films reviews. Stay tuned for Part 2 coming soon.
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