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July 15, 2013

Movie Review: Nacho Mountain (2009)

It never occurred to me that B movies could be NOT horror. I mean, if you don't have rolling heads and gushing blood and chewy entrails then what's the point? Well, Dirt Productions has answered that question with Nacho Mountain.

Keefer is your average 9-5 working man. He gets to work, jerks off to a lot of porn websites, takes bets on who can eat how much at lunch, jerks off to some more porn, collects his pay check and goes home to his girlfriend. When the boss man founds out just how much porn Keefer has been surfing, his ass is fired. When he gets home to break the bad news to his girlfriend, he finds her bonking a transvestite. Her excuse? Well, she wasn't quite ready for a threesome with another girl (you know, for Keefer's benefit) so she thought screwing a guy dressed as a girl would be a good start. Yeah. She's blonde.

So now Keefer has no job, no girl, and no place to live. While visiting with his local weed dealer, Coopy (played with an appropriate amount of hilarious twitching and tweaking by Armando Merlo), he's issued a ticket by the local Dukes o' Hazard doucheknockers, Officers Slivjak and Biggsley. As he relates his sob story to his buddy, Meegosh (I shit you not), a dimly lit light bulb moment occurs: Keefer should organize and run an underground eating competition.

It's well known that Keefer can and has beaten everyone he knows in eating contests his whole life. Unless it's spicy. Keef's poor little sensitive stomach can handle five pounds of spaghetti but throw in a jalapeno and he folds like your grandma's old card table. But if he and his friend are in charge of the competitions, the spicy stuff ain't an issue. They hold the events in a friend's basement and of course, Keefer blows them all out of the water. It's a great way for him to make money and live a great life. And apparently, chicks dig guys who can eat an entire herd of cows in one sitting.

Things are going well until Mayor Fingstal finds out about it. The Mayor, all 300 pounds of him, is determined to make their little burg the healthiest town in America. How will he do this you ask? By banning all foods that are bad for you: junk, fast, fatty, fried, and of course any kind of eating contests. It doesn't matter that he slops more food on his plate at the buffet than the entire defensive line of the Baltimore Ravens. It's do as I say not as I do, dammit. Turns out, though, the Mayor was once a great competitive eater himself. So he and Keefer set up a competition. If the Mayor wins, Keefer will leave town. If Keefer wins, the Mayor can't ban any foods.

The two face off in the ultimate challenge: the Nacho Mountain. Each is given what looks like a five-foot tiered wedding cake made of nacho chips and self loathing. The bad news is the Mayor has found out about Keefer's spice aversion. So what does he do? Load a shit ton of jalapenos and hot sauce all over the Nacho Mountains. Keefer tries his best anyway but just as they both near the end of their mountains, Keefer pauses. He clenches a hand over his gut while the Mayor is on his last bite of chips. All he has to do is swallow and Keefer loses the bet. Unfortunately for the Mayor, Keefer bends over and produces the most noxious gas emission that forces the Mayor to vomit not only that last mouthful but what looks like everything he's eaten over the past two weeks. Keefer wins by default! It's a proud day for gorgers everywhere.

I really wanted to hate this movie. I don't know why. Probably because with each minute the movie progressed it became obvious to me that it wasn't horror. I'm not exactly a snob when it comes to movies. I watch everything from musicals to sci-fi to action to chick flicks to horror. I don't watch westerns, though. Those suck.

Anyway, as I watched Nacho Mountain, it felt like the two stars (Jay Larson as Keefer and Kevin Interdonato as Meegosh) weren't even acting. They seemed like this is how they behave in regular life: sitting around, shooting the shit, talking about chicks, cracking jokes, etc. They were both hilarious and acted their parts with a natural ease that you don't often see in low-budget films.

Officer Slivjak and Biggsley were obvious parodies but putting them both in shorts, on bicycles, giving Biggsley an itchy trigger finger and Slivjak a teakettle whistle with every sibilant sound, was genius. I didn't care for the Mayor character, though. He was too over the top trying to channel Boss Hogg or Jackie Gleason. And his assistant, Keefer's girlfriend, and the tranny she was banging, were just terrible actors. Whenever they appeared on screen I kept trying to shoo them away with large sweeping, and ineffectual, gestures.

The movie is also rife with fart and poop jokes. The majority of them actually made me laugh because let's face it, I have the sense of humor of an adolescent boy most of the time. Personally I didn't enjoy the skid mark sniffing or the various vomiting scenes (I usually can't handle ANY vomiting scenes which means I missed about half of each of the Jackass movies). But the remaining slapstick, satire, and humor kept me entertained throughout the film. I have to note a few of the one liners here because they made me laugh out loud. "You smell like a camel that gave birth to a dead Mexican baby" (issued by Meegosh after finding Keefer down on his luck). And these two were in reference to the Mayor during the eating contest: "He's like a bottomless pit of awesomeness" and "He could swallow a live panda whole".

Who knew not-horror could be so much fun?

3.5 (out of 5) Hatchets

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