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November 13, 2013

Movie Review: Zombies Vs. Strippers (2012)

You know, I’ve seen a bunch of movie listings with some kind of creatures battling strippers in their titles. For some reason, there are a ton of film makers out there that seem to think strippers would make great defenders of the American Way in case of some kind of supernatural outbreak: zombies, vampires, werewolves, etc. For you folks out there that like to make films, what’s up with that?

And so I waded into the naked glittery world of (non-porn) stripper movies with Zombies Vs. Strippers. In the greater Los Angeles area sits the Tough Titty, a quaint little strip club with a tiki motif. It’s run down and starving for customers, so much so that it’s $5000 in the hole and the owner, Spider, is considering selling it to a local land developer. His girls are devastated. But not to worry. A young stud, Spike, has just entered the establishment with $16,000 to spend. So what if he got it from a robbery? This could be the miracle the Tough Titty needs to stay alive!

Doesn’t matter though. It has become obvious to us, the viewers, that most of the human race has gone undead. Despite the evidence of one patron eating another’s fingers, and several news reports going mostly ignored, Spider just sees dollar signs and possible salvation for his grimy little hole (ew). And when more customers come in to spend some moolah (it’s because the highways are closed but who cares why? There are naked women shaking their boobies in my face!), Spider is thrilled.

Unfortunately, the undead plague can’t be kept out forever. So Jasmine (the dumb one), Sugar (the tough one), Vanilla (the black one - see what they did there? HI-larious), Bambi (the newb), Bern (the burnout DJ - see what they did th...whatever), Bob (the perpetually living like it’s the 70s bartender), Marvin (the inept security guard), and Spider must band together and fight for their livelihood or forever join the ranks of the undead. Save the Titty!!

Do they do it? Do you really care? Do you just watch these kind of movies to see naked mommy bags in various stages of shakin’ and shimmyin’?

That’s what I thought.

I suppose if this were an exploitation film, in the truest sense of the word, I would have enjoyed it more. But it was clearly a low-budget boob fest with crappy acting, terrible special effects, and sparse set dressing to prove it. And I’m pretty sure it was filmed in one room. I think it also tries to be a satire in some respects but completely misses the mark. That said, however, there were several moments and characters that I adored.

When Spike comes to the club, he proclaims his band will be along shortly. The name of the band? Nancy Reagan’s Vagina. I literally laughed out loud at that. I did enjoy watching the character of Spider, played by Circus Szalewski (one of his many aliases). He reminded me quite a bit of Joe Bob Briggs and I love me some JBB. And with a name like Circus, how can you go wrong? The trio of biker men who called themselves The Gravediggers were fun. The one guy had an electronic voice box, like Ned from South Park, and the leader spoke like a 19th century Englishman as he rambled on about "the end of times"
As far as death or fight scenes, the pool cue through the head was awesome. And as the leader of the bikers points out, puncture the brain is great advice. Could be a cool band name, too. Sugar has to create a distraction for the survivors to get away and her stripper pole battle is epic.

Overall this is a movie I recommend you don’t watch. But since when did anyone ever listen to me? So if you do plan to watch this flick, don’t quit before Jasmine gives Marvin a lap dance. You won’t be disappointed.

1 Hatchet (out of 5)

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