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May 28, 2021

The Playgirls and the Vampire (1963) Movie Review

Well, I guess it’s only proper that I get back to finding total crap to review for you all. But I’m not sure if I found it. I’m very conflicted about this next movie.

The Playgirls and the Vampire is a smashing film about five showgirls, their manager, and piano player who get stranded on the backroads during a storm on their way to the next gig. They can’t turn around and go back to their old hotel – not paying your bill can get you in suds with the owners, right? So it’s only logical to ignore the sound advice of a local and take the road that leads to the foreboding castle off in the hills, having to drive over a rickety-ass bridge to get there, too. The people in the castle will just have to let them stay the night, if not longer.

I guess uninvited guests make the rules for individual homeowners…

They arrive at a locked gate but one of the girls, Vera, instinctively knows to try a little side gate that opens for them. Hmm. That’s curious. Oh well. Good for us, right ladies? They force their way into the castle (not literally, but they don’t allow the groundskeeper to turn them away and the housekeeper begrudgingly lets them inside).

The Count Gabor Kernassy wants to kick them out but once he sees Vera, he immediately changes his mind and gives them shelter for the night. BUT DON’T WANDER THE HALLS OR SNOOP INTO ANYTHING, MMMKAY?

You can probably guess how that’s gonna go.

After the Count creepily spies on Vera through her bedroom window, they have a nice heart to heart chat. He’s drawn to her, and she to him, and he must know more about here. BUT MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE FIRST THING IN THE AM ‘CAUSE YOU IN DANGER.

The best laid plans to do just that aside, one of the girls is found dead the following morning. She must have gone wandering (like she was warned NOT to do), lost her footing, and fallen to her death. While the gardener and housekeeper have a weird argument about burying her ASAP, the Count informs them they can’t leave or call the authorities about the accident because the bridge washed out in the rising river waters.

Now that they’re stuck at the castle, much to their manager’s frugal delight, might as well rehearse for the next show. Vera is too upset and takes a rest instead. And by rest, I mean she wanders around the castle where she eventually discovers a portrait of a Kernassy ancestor. And she looks nearly identical to Vera!

She and the Count have another heart to heart – about the Kernassy family curse, how it ruined that ancestor, Margherita, blahdeeblah. And despite his fear for her safety, the Count and Vera make out. She’s now refreshed for some dance rehearsal. 

*l’amour*

Don't move. There's a spider on the ceiling...

That night, Vera hears another creeper around her window and when she investigates, she comes across the burial site of the former showgirl. And guess what? It’s empty! WTF? The Count stares at her and when she calls out to him, he Homer Simpson’s his way into some bushes and disappears. The next morning she seeks out the Count to demand an explanation and discovers his secret laboratory. While he’s gob smacked that she actually saw him last night, he explains that during the day things are cool. But at night, she must lock herself in her room and never come out, even if he calls to her from the other side. She can’t trust anything or anyone at night!

You’re all asking ‘why’ right now, aren’t you? Don’t worry. We’re getting to the exposition dump now.

Apparently, this Kernassy curse is born of blood – it drives the family line into darkness, into vampirism. Vera’s friend was murdered, so he dug up her body. He’s been conducting experiments to rid his family of this awful affliction so no one else will get hurt. BUT DON’T TELL ANYONE, MMMKAY? It’s our little secret.

Finally, the river waters subside and another bridge is available so the ladies and gentlemen can get the hell out of dodge in the morning. Which is good because the murdered showgirl showed up in the manager’s room last night and freaked him the fuck out. While everyone thinks he had a nightmare, Vera experiences a little freaky-deaky evening herself.

Someone who looks exactly like the Count attacks her – as a vampire! But she finds herself in bed, the housekeeper explaining she was feverish all night. It was all just a nightmare. After you rest, you can leave. Once packed, Vera runs into the count and, naturally, the nightmare resurfaces and she runs away from him.

Only to run into him again on the other side of the castle. But this count is pale, and has fangs, and IS A VAMPIRE! Ooooh, that’s not the count. It’s his ancestor who is a vampire. He’s the one who attacked and killed the other showgirl because he thought she was Vera (she was wearing Vera’s coat at the time). Seems Vera looks like his long-dead wife, so he plans to make HER a vampire and be with him forever.

Make sense?

The Count just can’t kill the guy. That’s why he’s been working on finding a cure for the Kernassy Kurse ™. Unfortunately, the other guy wants none of that and they fight to the death. The Count defeats his ancestor, surprisingly, and now there’s nothing keeping him tied to the crumbly old castle. He can tie up a few loose ends and meet up with Vera where they can be together.

*aaand scene*

 

Mourning underwear is just that - UNDERwear, you trollop.

While I can’t say this is a good film, I can’t definitively say it’s bad, either. It had a bit of both worlds going on so it came out somewhere in the *shrug* category.

I have to admit, the opening shot of the film is gorgeous. It’s simple – a slow pan from a small high window, where light is streaming through, down through an underground crypt and settling on a tomb. Suddenly, the lid slides back a bit, then a bit more, until a hand slowly reaches out and feels its way over the stone. If the film were in color, that opening sequence would have been more lackluster. I can’t explain why, but that’s just what I think.

The music is fantastic, but it strangely doesn’t fit the movie. Where you’d think there should be more subtle tones, it blares out. Where it should be sweeping and dramatic, the music seems more fitting for a Keystone Cops chase scene. It’s very odd.

There is enough character development for the viewer to become somewhat invested in what they do, or what happens to them. But mostly I didn’t really care, because the majority of the characters are supposed to be shallow or buffoonish. We understand the showgirl victim is vain and rather superficial, but then we don’t care that she’s murdered. The manager is a cheap-ass bumbling idiot, so when he’s in danger, we just yawn and wait for the conflict to end.

Does that make sense?

It was also pretty obvious that the reason the characters are showgirls is for, at some point, the women to dance around and strip – which is exactly what happens a little before the halfway point. I’m not sure where they got the girl to do the solo strip but she had to have been blackmailing someone in the production. It was the most lackadaisical, boring, non-sexy strip tease I’ve ever seen. Not that I have a ton of experience in that department, but I appreciate the female figure and am not offended by nudity or titillation. I just felt a bit awkward, and mostly bored, during this scene.

I did appreciate the chemistry between the Count and Vera, as conflicted as it was (the Count kept warning Vera away because his family sucks but they just can’t stop making out). Walter Brandi was the superior actor to Lyla Rocco. I’m sure the English dubbing didn’t help her, but she kept looking off screen as she spoke, like she was reading cue cards or something.

Quite a bit of predictability with the characters and the story – EXCEPT for the twist at the end, with the vampire reveal. I honestly didn’t see that coming and it was quite refreshing to be surprised. Again, Walter Brandi played both parts well so you could feel the two different characters, not just one guy switching suits. Unfortunately, when the vampire is killed, the ‘special effects’ used for his decay and destruction are just awful. Very cartoonish, and the transitions were choppy.

So overall, the film has ups and downs, good and bad. It’s not great, but I ended up enjoying it more than I thought. I wouldn’t say it’s a must-see film, but if you like vampires, Italians, and black and white movies from the 60s, why not check it out?

 

2.5 hatchets (out of 5)




 

 

 

 

 


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May 20, 2021

Starcrash (1979) Movie Review

I mean, I knew there were a lot of Star Wars rip off films. Can’t really blame them. Gotta get those dolla dolla bills, y’all. But when they come out with a completely jumbled train wreck, you have to wonder who was smoking what when the project was greenlit. (Green lit? Green lighted? Greenlighted? WHO THE FUCK APPROVED THIS BULLSHIT?)

SPOILERS AHOY – because I just cannot give a summary of this film. You need to know the details before you go in on your own.

The 1979 sci-fantasy disaster known as Starcrash, tell us the story of an outlaw smuggler, Han So…I mean, Stella Star and her alien companion, Chew…uh, Akton. After witnessing Stella’s piloting prowess and the navigating wunderkind partner, Akton, Princess L…shit, I mean the Emperor of the Galaxy (Christopher MOTHER FUCKING Plummer – yeah, that’s right) recruits them for a top-secret mission. The evil Darth…gods dammit. The evil Count Zarth Arn has created a new weapon that could destroy the universe. The last Imperial mission failed to find it, or the planet it’s hidden on (that’s no moon…). So Stella and Akton must find both, destroy the weapon, and rescue the Emperor’s only son.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Where the hell is Cap’n Mal and his merry band of smugglers?

Aside from the main Imperial ship, two shuttles escaped before it crashed somewhere unknown. Stella, Akton, and their new partners, ELLE and Chief Thor (both working for The Emp), begin to scour the galaxy for the remains of any Imperial ships. But only Stella and ELLE actually do any of the leg work.

The first pod they find yields nothing, except the opportunity to be captured by the Amazon warrior women (who weren’t really all that Amazonian, but okay). Their queen has a beef with The Emp, I think, and wants to kill Stella and ELLE. Guilt by association, I suppose. She fails and it’s over, and Stella and ELLE go back to their ship to keep looking for Imperial wreckage.

Wait, WHY THE HELL WERE THEY EVEN IN THIS? The Amazons served absolutely no purpose. Oh, wait. It was just to show off the stop animation effects of the Queen’s Goliath guardian – a giant silver, sword-wielding monstrosity with bewbs. Got it.

Moving on.

The next search brings them to the icy planet of Hoth…I mean, just some random inhospitable really, really cold planet. While Stella and ELLE find only corpses, we find out Thor is a traitor and he tries to kill Akton, and strand Stella and ELLE on the planet where everything freezes instantly the moment the sun goes down. Fortunately for our heroes, Akton can see the future so he already knew Thor was a dick. He thwarts his plan, saves his friends on the surface, and they’re off again!

They find the crash site of the 2nd Imperial escape pod. After a bunch of cavemen parkour their way on the scene, capturing Stella and plan to…I don’t know, honestly. Luckily, we don’t have to find out because a golden masked stranger saves her! It’s Simon, the sole survivor of the pod crash and attack on the Imperial ship (I bet you can’t guess who this guy also is….it’s cool, take a minute to think about it).

They also discover that Count Zarth Arn has hidden his weapon on this very planet! How fortuitous for them. We’re so lucky, too, that Akton can explain what every piece of machinery is/does as they walk through the facility.

Before they can destroy it, the Count shows up and tell us all his evil plan – to trap the Emperor into coming to get his only son, Simon (SURPRISE), and when he does, the Count will blow everything up, leaving the galaxy open for the taking. Here, enjoy some more stop motion animation as my robot guards make sure you stay put while I leave to go kill people. Though Akton tries to kill the robots, his arm gets slashed at the last minute and he must now accept his fate, which is to die (from a flesh wound?) and fade away.

Huh?

Spy vs. Spy, SciFi Division

Now, the Emperor doesn’t get to be the boss if he’s an idiot, right? He wouldn’t show up without a plan. Nerds. He’s going to stop the flow of time so they can escape – but they only get three minutes. So let’s keep speechifying for a bit before we all skedaddle. The only thing left to do is catch up to Zarth Arn’s ship (which looks like a giant clawed fist, I shit you not) and destroy it before he can employ the weapon.

But we’re not powerful enough. How can we ever achieve our goal? Stop whining, Simon. By piloting a floating city at him, you silly goose. It’s called Starcrash (roll credits), a 4th dimensional attack. If they can reenter space at just the right moment, the impact of surprise will be so overwhelming that the Count can’t hold out.

Stella – use your awesome piloting skills; ELLE – you go with her. Me and Simon will wait here on the Imperial ship while you do all the work. Cool? Cool. So Stella points the floating city, loaded down with explosives, toward the Count’s ship. She and ELLE fly out the window at the last second and space swim back to the Imperial ship.

And this actually works. The evil Count has been defeated, and the galaxy saved.


Fuck right the fuck off, you pack of liars.

The blatant Star Wars rip off aside (sure, sure, it could all be a coincidence, as Cozzi insists Starcrash was written and designed BEFORE Star Wars premiered, sure, sure, and the laser sword Akton wields is absolutely not a light saber), this is a ridiculous movie. As a buddy of mine put it, “it’s an entertaining mess.” Yes, as bad as it is, it definitely has some entertainment value.

Let me break down the bad first, though. The acting, while you might expect better, is total shit. It could be because the overdubbing was so completely awful. I know this was filmed in Italy, directed by no other than Luigi Cozzi, so you know there were non-English speakers in here. But even the folks we know speak English (Caroline Munroe, Marjoe Gortner, David Hasselhoff, Joe Spinelli), it looks like they’re saying something completely alien as the words and the lip movements absolutely do not synch.

I’m not sure if it’s cheaper to redub in post instead of having top notch audio during the actual filming. You folks out there who are reading this and make movies/made movies, clue a girl in. Because I just don’t understand why this is so shitty.

Oooh! Who goosed me?


The special effects are…certainly special. And by that I mean they took the short bus to the studio. Granted, this was 1979 and sorely lacking the sophistication of today’s computer programs. I’m also going out on a limb to say the budget here was sub-basement level compared to George Lucas (a paltry $4 million compared to $11 million). But when you watch this AFTER Star Wars, you definitely feel let down by the effects. I mean, the laser guns actually make “pew pew” noises.

And that’s just the space scenes.

The stop motion technique, used for the Count’s metal guards and the Amazon Queen’s giant, was definitely not unique to this film (early, early development has been around since the 1800s). But the incorporation of the live actors, with some major discrepancies in colors and clarity between the two, proved a stumbling block to believability.

Pretty much this whole film looked like Star Wars and Clash of the Titans spent the weekend going speedballs together before giving birth to Starcrash.

The other drawback is the pacing. It drags a lot through the film because it’s overstuffed with too many fight scenes, getting captured, space ‘scenery’, meeting races/aliens that don’t serve the story, a lot of exposition dumps, and several characters that explain everything that’s going on. This could have been a 60-minute film instead of 90.

All of that makes this a terrible movie. HOWEVER, because there are some things that are just fun or funny, it makes the move watchable. Maybe not more than once, but you should be able to get through it for these few aspects: 

1.    Christopher MOTHER FUCKING Plummer. He is the exception to every rule here. The man didn’t need this gig; the man was not desperate for funds or work. In an interview, he said he only took the job because he could travel to Italy for free, but that didn’t make his performance any less spectacular. He fills every role he takes on with grace, dignity, and commanding presence. Even the cheesy speech the Emperor gives at the very end, as he breaks the 4th wall a couple times, gave me goosebumps. His limited screen time is everything right and good with the world.


How YOU doin?


2.    Though all the overdubbing makes its difficult to get a good feel for each character, Joe Spinelli and Marjoe Gortner as the Evil Count and Akton, respectively, bring manic life to their parts. Its too bad the film was overdubbed because I would have loved to hear their natural voices shout out their lines.

3.    John Barry wrote, arranged, and conducted the original music used in the film. If someone with Barry’s talent doesn’t give this movie some street cred, I’m not sure what else would. Besides Christopher MOTHER FUCKING Plummer. The crappy story and effects do not drag John down; he lifts the movie up to a level it doesn’t deserve. So if you enjoy original soundtrack music, you’ll dig this.

4.    There was one scene where I literally had to pause the film to make sure I didn’t miss anything while I laughed for a full minute. When the Imperial soldiers go to fight Count Zarth Arn’s army, they launch themselves across open space in gold torpedoes, which bust through the enemy ship’s windows and bounce across the floor, before popping open to deliver the Imperial troops (about 2 men per capsule). I’m not kidding. THAT was their delivery system. If you don't believe me, just watch the trailer below.

While these few things do make the experience of Starcrash somewhat enjoyable, and allows us to sit back in awe of the craptacular disaster as it unfolds, I can’t say you should run right out and find it. If you come across it, sure! Give it a watch. You’ll have some fun. Then you can tuck the experience away in your sock drawer and move on to bigger and better things.

2 hatchets (out of 5) – 1 full hatchet just for Christopher MOTHER FUCKING Plummer alone.

 

 


 

 

 


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May 14, 2021

The Sentinel (1977) Movie Review


I just wrote up a movie review for my website, comparing the OG and remake of The Wicker Man. But I honestly need to review this film for CHC. I watched it two days ago and I can’t get it out of my head!

(WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)

The Sentinel is about highly successful fashion model, Alison. She’s been living with her boyfriend, Michael, for a while now. But with her father’s death, and just wanting to prove she can “do it on her own”, she needs to get her own apartment. She finds the perfect place – fully furnished and at a cheap price. But after moving in, her bizarre neighbors act inappropriately and make tons of noise, preventing Alison from getting any sleep. That and the horrifying visions she’s having of her dead father as well as her past suicide attempts, are putting her on a very sharp edge. When she complains to the landlady, Alison is told that the only other occupant in the apartment building is a blind priest on the top floor.

Um, what?

As Michael helps her probe into the mystery, Detective Gatz is also investigating. Gatz worked on Michael’s late wife’s “accident” years prior, and doesn’t trust Michael as far as he can throw him, especially when some old business associates of his turn up dead. After Alison is found covered in blood, claiming to have stabbed her dead father, Gatz starts digging. The neighbors Alison has described are actually all former criminals. As in DEAD criminals.

Um, what?

As Alison turns back to the church for moral and emotional support, Michael does more digging on the blind priest upstairs. The answer to the mystery becomes quite clear: the apartment building houses the gate to Hell. The church has installed a guardian, or sentinel, to watch over it and make sure the damned cannot escape. Alison is the next in line to take over as sentry. That is if she can resist the tortures, torments, and temptations of the damned who want her to join them, leaving the gate unguarded. Can she resist? Will she take her place and keep the world safe from Hell?

Has anyone seen my keys?

Holy crap, what a ride.

For some reason, I kept mixing this movie up with The Keep, which I saw years ago. Then after reading the description for The Sentinel, I realized I never watched it before. And just looking at the cast, I jumped on this faster than a crack whore on a free rock.

Some people only had a scene or two, maybe a couple of lines, but just check out these names: Chris Sarandon, Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken, Jeff Goldbloom, Burgess Meredith, John Carradine, Jose Ferrer, Ava Gardner, Beverly D’Angelo, Jerry Orbach…and the list goes on! I don’t think I’ve ever seen this big a collection of talent – old school and new – all in one movie. Burgess is absolute unsettling perfection; Eli Wallach proves a great smart-ass, determined cop; Beverly D’Angelo comes off (no pun intended – watch the movie, you’ll know what I mean) creepy af and she doesn’t speak once.

I loved the apartment building itself. Looks like an old mansion/estate that was converted into apartments. The dark wood, oriental rugs, brick exterior almost felt like a character in its own right. It reminded my of where I used to live in Chicago years ago, and I imagine all major cities have buildings like this one. It felt homey, but claustrophobic at the same time. But every location worked well, from Alison’s photo shoots, to her family’s home, and the city scenes. Even being shot in the 70s, which left the print with that grittier look, and the dated fashions of the time, didn’t pull me out or distract me from the action.

Before Grumpy Cat, there was Jezebel.

I loved the story. You could have picked this film up and plopped it down in any decade and it would still work. Based on the novel by Jeffrey Convitz, I love the idea that Hell is *RIGHT THERE* and sometimes there’s only a gauze of a barrier to keep the damned out of our world. Though I am a bit confused how the blind priest’s mere presence keeps the gate closed, but since he was old and dying, I think that’s why the souls were acting up once Alison arrived. However, I shouldn’t have counted him out because his actions right at the end of the film are what saved the world, and Alison.

The finale reminded me a lot of 1932’s Freaks. Apparently the casting assistants combed several carnivals and freak shows to find people to play the majority of the damned souls that squeaked out of Hell to overwhelm Alison. Not to disparage anyone with any kind of genetic malformation or disorder, but some of the people they found were absolutely terrifying to look at.

Despite a little pacing issue (it does drag a smidge in the middle), this is a great film and deserves as much love as we can throw at it.

 

4.5 hatchets  (out of 5)

 

 


 


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May 6, 2021

Don't Panic (1988) Movie Review


I did not specifically seek out another bonkers kind of film. And while last week’s review centered on a movie that did crazy VERY well, this week’s choice is…uh…just read on to see what I’m talking about.

Don’t Panic is the story of Michael. He and his mom had to move from the US to Mexico City for his dad’s work. Sure, things are pretty different there but he’s doing well in school, has a crush in the works, and has a nice circle of friends. Mom’s struggling a little. Since dad is away all the time for work, the bottle seems to be her only comfort.

For Michael’s 17th birthday, his friends surprise him with a Ouija board and wouldn’t it be so much fun to play with it? Spoiler Alert: the answer is NO. Despite some promise to never play with one again, he folds to peer pressure. His best bud, Tony, summons Virgil. He tells everyone it’s just a ghost but Michael knows better – it’s the Devil!

Naturally, nothing happens while they’re playing with the board. But as soon as everyone leaves, without closing the supernatural door they just opened (do you want demons? BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU GET DEMONS), weird shit starts to happen.

The next day, Michael is late for school and in Mexico City, you can’t attend classes if you’re tardy. Too bad, so sad. Turns out, his crush, Alexandra, was also late so they spend a wonderful 1980’s montage day of feeding the ducks, going on a paddle boat, getting balloons, going to an amusement park, and everything two young people in love like to do.

Of course, Michael needs to consult with his best bro, Tony, to figure out how to tell Alex how much he likes her. Tony says the only thing he can do is give her the Magic Rose  As long as love exists between the two of them, the bloom will never wither. Daawww, that’s actually some sweet advice coming from such a fucktard.

Just as things seems to be going swell, Michael starts having nightmares. But they aren’t just simple nightmares. They’re visions, and they eventually transfer to the waking world. He’s seeing his friends being murdered, stabbed to death with some kind of ceremonial dagger. And to top it off, he sees his best gal getting a little too chummy with the school douchebag, John. But she assures him that John is just a smart ass, that’s why he acts that way. She loves only Michael.

Hooray for love!

I'm looking for the plot. Has anyone seen it?

Anyhoo…back to the movie. Not only is Michael having visions about his friends, some kind of weird face keeps pushing out of the static on the TV to say Michael can prevent the tragedies. Despite all his efforts, though, Michael can’t seem to stop any of the murders. It doesn’t help that his mom won’t listen to anything he says and is convinced he’s nuts, and gets the local psychiatrist to pump him full of drugs.

(SPOILERS AHOY) Michael finally finds out that the face in the TV is Tony! Virgil has possessed his body and is killing everyone. All Michael has to do is find that damned dagger and kill Virgil. With a little help from Douchebag John and Alexandra, and the one person in Mexico City that believes Michael is not crazy (a cop, of all people), Virgil is finally defeated and Tony is set free. Unfortunately, Michael dies from the strain of battle. Apparently being suspended in the air by telekinesis takes all the stuffing out of a healthy 17-year-old.

BUT FEAR NOT! At his graveside funeral, Alexandra throws a now wilted rose onto Michael’s casket and it instantly becomes full and beautiful again. She smiles to the heavens, knowing Michael still loves her even in death.

Wait, what?


I realized as I was trying to type up the summary, I could have kept describing the tons of minutia in the film because honestly, about eighty of the ninety minutes feels useless. “Kids summon a demon and it possesses one of their bodies to go on a killing spree.” That’s it. That’s the story. But all this other crap (the first love, Daddy’s constant absence, the visions, Michael’s dinosaur pajamas) does this film absolutely NO favors.

I’m not sure why Shudder described the writer/director, Rubén Galindo Jr., as the King of Mexican Gore because he’s got maybe 3-4 horror movies to his name. Granted, I haven’t seen those films so maybe they’re swimming in human offal. But there wasn’t that much gore going on here. Yeah, lots of blood and some stringy slime-spit from Tony at the end. However, a Herschell Gordon Lewis film this is not.

The acting is gods awful. It’s either completely over the top or non-existent. It doesn’t help that the ADR or overdubbing is terrible. But thankfully Michael narrates the opening of the film because who wants to actually show his backstory when he can just tell us, amirite? Throw in a lot of overly dramatic and cheesy music, and you’ve got yourself a movie.

Moooom, why do people treat me like a baby!?

While we do get some development of Michael, his mom, and the family dynamic, most of the characters are just there to die. I suppose Tony is given more than a shallow puddle’s worth of depth with the whole rose romantic advice, and I do feel bad for him once he’s possessed. But we never get more backstory on the whole ‘never play with a Ouija’ again which really could have made Tony’s character more interesting.

There were character actions that had me scratching my head. When Michael was having waking visions, he couldn’t actually see his surroundings – just the visions. So I’m not sure why he was running full-tilt boogie, and weaving side to side, down sets of stairs or through hospital corridors. He tripped and stumbled more than the slut victim from a Friday the 13th movie. But he could leap through a window, that could only be accessed if he stood on a couch next to it, with laser precision. When Michael gets another vision at Alex’s house, he pulls out the gun John gave him earlier (don’t worry about it) and starts blasting, shooting up everything in the room EVEN THOUGH HE CAN’T SEE. And why do people keep getting in John’s car through the windows instead of opening the doors? Does they think they’re in Hazard County, for cripes sake?

I just…

And while there are a lot more things I disliked about this movie, I can recognize some awesome, too. The special effects are all practical, which is my favorite. The blood looks great; the wounds have little noticeable latex edging; when John gets the dagger from under the chin to the roof of his mouth, you get to see the blade inside his mouth. Very cool effect. The makeup for Tony as he slowly ages and rots (didn’t realize possession did that, but okay) was fantastic. By the end, it doesn’t even look like makeup anymore but a part of the actor.

Unfortunately, that’s about it. There so much going on here that’s ridiculous, or idiotic, or just lacking direction. For an eighties completist, sure. Check it out if you have the time, especially if you need a good laugh. Otherwise, I’d say leave it in the past and move on with your life.

1 hatchet (out of 5)

 


 


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May 2, 2021

A Binge too Far #16: Reel Inheritance


Iggy Pop munching in The Dead Don't Die (2019)



Men In Black: International (2019)

 

Men In Black: International

Directed by Gary Gray, and executive produced by Steven Spielberg (and a bunch of other people that you may or may not know, depending on your affiliation with current Hollywood fare), this sequel to the Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones-led Men in Black sensation was directed by music video F. Gary Gray.

 

It is about Agent M (Tessa Thomson) who joins the Men in Black, despite being, well, a woman, and a lot of politically correct humor is played upon this occurrence. However, the real meat of the plot is her romance with Agent H (Chris Hemsworth), and their joint crusade on defeating his psychotic ex-girlfriend (Rebecca Ferguson, gorgeous beyond belief) who also happens to be the film’s main villain that is also now in possession of the world’s most dangerous weapon.

 

Plenty of alien monsters are on display, so the film is a kind of a rollercoaster ride for readers of this magazine, but for piece that cost a whopping $110 million to make, it is unfortunate that some of the CGI look like they could have been achieved by the SyFy channel on the cheap. Liam Neeson also shows up.

 

The Dead Don’t Die (2019)

The Dead Don't Die (2019) poster

 

Set in the small town of Centerville, U.S.A., this is about Chief Cliff Robertson (Bill Murray, no introduction needed) and Officer Ronnie Peterson (Adam Driver, no introduction needed), and their day to day routine which involves heavy crime-solving escapades such as dealing with the town’s crazy Hermit Bob (Tom Waits, again, no introduction necessary). That is until the dead rise from their tombs (led by Iggy Pop, who’d not expect to play a zombie in his 70s, I am sure). Local eccentric mortuary woman Zelda Winston (Tilda Swinton, a gorgeous creature) will come to the rescue bearing a sword and beheading as many zombies as possible and doing it in style as well.

 

After the success writer/director Jim Jarmusch had with his art-house vampire film Only Lovers Left Alive (2013, UK/Germany/Greece/France), it was inevitable that he would try his hand at similarly paced zombie epic. However, whereas his vampire opus was elegant (pretty much like vampires are supposed to be), the zombie opus under review never elevates itself above the schlock horror comedy standards. Sure, the layback tone and the director’s trademark awkward dialogues, and even the exquisite humor are all here and very welcomingly so, but other than that the end result falls short of expectations. Maybe the best things about it are its soundtrack (a great selection of tracks, really) and its cast (which is even ballyhooed in the tagline – see above) which aside from the aforementioned performers also includes Steve Buscemi and Danny Glover amongst others. The zombies too die in quite an unexpected way, as instead of blood, we get dust when they are beheaded.

 

The project was announced in February 2018 by none other than Tilda Swinton and Bill Murray, and the rest of the cast became known shortly afterwards. Principal photography commenced on July 2018 just outside New York. The film premiered at Cannes International Film Festival 2019, I guess on the strength of the director’s resume, rather than the nature of its genre. A wide theatrical release followed (a first for a Jarmusch movie) and the film went on to gross $13.9 million.


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