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January 31, 2009

Jeff Dolniak

Bio by David Hayes

Jeff Dolniak is a walking miracle. Although his early years are obscured in the carnival trade, the first known record of Jeff's existence appears in a local Chicago-land paper dated August 17, 1983. The headline read, "Carnival Girl-Boy Only Survivor of Fire." Unfortunately, Jeff's memory from before the fire is lost forever, but the strides his life has taken since the abrupt end of his freak show career have been remarkable. Although cursed with a rare form of dyslexia that only affects punctuation marks, Jeff has become an author of some note. In addition, he is the Southwest's foremost expert on independent, exploitation cinema and is the producer of the popular 42nd Street Forever series of DVDs. Maybe harkening, unconsciously, to his early performance years, Jeff has also turned himself into a thespian of some note. Jeff has starred in the seminal bad movie, Blown, as well as genre classics like Oranges: Revenge of the Eggplant (as a female, fruit-hooker), Oscar-nominee The Virgin Murders (no, Jeff did not die in the film) and Crushed Velvet (as a portly slob). Even though Jeff's accomplishments are many, he is still plagued by the physical deformity that began his travelling freak show career. In the hearts of both of his fans, though, Jeff's deformity is invisible and the Girl-Boy is definitely All-Man.

January 30, 2009

David Hayes

Bio by Kevin Moyers

From deep in the woods of Michigan, David Hayes was an anomaly from the start. Sometime in the early 1970s, a young Mrs. Hayes birthed the 27 pound boy and his 6 pound conjoined twin brother. David's mother still holds the longest c-section scar on record, reaching from kidney to kidney. As David grew, he developed a penchant for horror films, KISS and classic Russian ballet. Realizing that he'd never fit into his fairy princess tutu with his twin still attached, David gnawed him loose and attempted to eat him. The twin narrowly escaped and was raised by a roving band of dentists, which he later mercilessly slew. He now resides in Joliet prison under the name Hayden Davis. David took to his love of performing like a walrus takes to Olympic curling. He is responsible for many cult films including Blood Moon Rising, Vampegeddon, Return to Yucca Flats and Blown. He reunited with Hayden to write a comprehensive look at the books of Ed Wood entitled Muddled Mind. He apologizes for nothing. NOTHING!

Read David's Columns


January 29, 2009

Kevin Moyers

Bio by Jeff Dolniak

In the year 1970, a talented young man was brought into this world. That man was Kevin Blaine Moyers. Kevin had everything going for him. He was bright, articulate, family oriented and an amazing athlete. Football was his passion. So much so that he defied the odds of his 5'6", 133 pound frame and played cornerback for the Chicago Bears. Not long after starting his first game, Kevin experienced a horrible injury; a dislocated mammary gland. Kevin's football career was done. From there on, it was a downward spiral that eventually put him on the street. The former all-American was now heavily addicted to the semen of homeless men until he crossed paths with Jeff Dolniak, the man who saved his life. Jeff was strolling down the street with his pal David Hayes when he spotted Moyers engulfing a filthy garbage covered fat man. Jeff ordered Dave to kick the hobo's flesh-whistle out of Kevin's mouth. David did so, then wiped the smegma off of Moyers' face with a napkin. Ever since that fateful day behind Browns Chicken in Cicero, Illinois, Kevin has been a whirlwind of creativity. Acting in films such as Blown, Sportkill, Reborn, Oranges: Revenge of Eggplant and the critically acclaimed Undone. Kevin has also published a comic book called Scorn and performs stand-up comedy.

Read Kevin's Columns


Twitter: @kevinmoyers


Blog: Knock It Off, Douchebag

January 28, 2009

Hal Astell

There are moments in history that resonate with mystic power. As stars align and two headed calves scream to be heard, blind idiot prophets rise to herald the arrival of something entirely new. In 1971, precisely none of this happened but Hal C F Astell showed up anyway just to be awkward. Nowadays he wears a beard, a kilt and a kangaroo skin hat and is more than a little recognisable.

Born in the south of England but raised in the north, he has always followed more than one path at once: stage diver and parochial church councillor, published poet and anime nerd, teenage businessman and competitive typist. He is probably the only person to have seen in concert Celtic Frost, Tangerine Dream, Martina McBride, The Audobon String Quartet, Jorma Kaukonen and Nzamba Lela, the Aka Pigmies of Central Africa. He'd also be surprised if anyone else has attended weddings as bridegroom, usher, maid of honour, crucifer, photographer, witness and father of an unrelated bride.

Ever the contrarian, he collects surprising achievements. He has performed in pantomime, delivered newspapers at -15°C and toured America. He has played Monopoly with real money, walked in all four continental US time zones in the same day and attended a left wing student union bar in an Adolf Hitler European Tour 1939-45 T-shirt. He has played Nuclear Assault on the lawn of the Bishop of Wakefield, been admitted into Mensa and worked as an authorised researcher for Google Answers. He became a father and a grandfather at the same time, discovered his wife online and still hasn't introduced her to his mother.

While he collected books, records and pencils long before movies, he has been a fan of outré cinema from his young days. He survived the video nasty years in the UK with an Amstrad dual VHS deck, contacts at market stalls all across Yorkshire and subscriptions to all the zines of the time. Today he runs the Apocalypse Later film review blog, frequents MADCAP Cinemas and is very happy to cover the worst movies ever made for Cinema Head Cheese.

Hal's Columns: Cinematic Hell, Movie Reviews

Check out Hal's movie review blog Apocalypse Later

January 27, 2009

Lacey Paige

Lacey Paige is a Canadian journalism student and freelance underground/alternative entertainment writer/reporter/photographer. She is also a poetry and short fiction scribe, having penned numerous poems, short stories, and even a script or two in the decade that she has been hunching over the notepad and paper (or typewriter, computer…whatever). She is passionate about horror—an avid reader, film viewer, and collector of all things horror. She began writing film reviews in 2006 after first having discovered the most heavenly (and hellish) place on earth…well…here in Deadmonton anyway. That is, The Lobby DVD shop. Her first experiences with the genre were around the age of five or six when she would take trips with her dad to the neighbourhood Five Star video—terrified and not even tall enough to see over the rental shelves, she would stare in awe and frightened fascination at the covers of 80s and 90s horror. She specifically remembers the VHS slips for Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive and Wes Craven’s Shocker. She slept with the light on until the age of 11, and is still happily a traumatized horror headcase to this very day.

She started writing for Cinema Head Cheese recently, and is now contributing reviews and interviews with film industry figures via audio every month for the CHC podcast (she hopes you like them and is always open to constructive criticism!) She is now working through her first draft of her first official “movie” script titled, Blow Dryer Brainwashed Bimbos Attack! (a homage to movies like Street Trash, The Stuff, and Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste and Dead Alive). She also writes for affiliate site, as well as Absolute Underground Magazine, Fangoria magazine (tentatively?), the Grant MacEwan University student newspaper, and interviews bands for Dead City Press. She is also trying to keep up her blog! As the Beastie Boys would say, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Check it out—

Lacey likes long walks in dark eerie basements, blood guts and gore, cemetery photography, gazing into the aftermath of extreme car wrecks, advocating coat hanger abortions, and finger painting with the insane.

January 26, 2009

Ron Ford

Born in 1958 in Bremerton Washington, Ron's first professional screenwriting credit came in 1994 when he was hired to write The Fear for producer Greg Sims.  He directed his first picture, Alien Force, in 1996 for producer Mark Gordon.  Since then he has rarely stopped, writing producing and directing over a dozen movies.  Ron is also a dedicated stage and screen actor, and has appeared in such major movies as Mozart and the Whale, with Josh Hartnett, and Home of the Brave, with Samuel Jackson.


January 23, 2009

James DePaolo

Hello Cheese-ites... I am James DePaolo. You may ask yourself, "So, what does James DePaolo bring to Cinema Head Cheese?" Well, let me tell you... ummm... absolutely not a fucking thing. Will work for screeners. My father was the lead singer in Rammstein, and my mom was a groupie for Paul Anka. I met my wife on a blind date. Actually, me and her seeing eye dog dated first. My therapist said me and my wife need to talk more during sex. Hold on, I am getting a phone call from the motel down the road. I went to the movies today and the sign said no one under 17 admitted, so I had to find 16 people to go with me. I went to the library today and said "Excuse me, I would like a cheeseburger and a coke," and she looked at me and said, "You idiot it is a library," so i thought for a second and whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger and a coke." My neighbor has a donkey and I have a rooster. One day her donkey ate my rooster. What did we get? Six inches of cock in her ass. A horse goes into a bar, and the bartender looks and says, "Why the long face?" Joan Rivers goes into a bar, and the horse looks at her and says, "Why the long face?" A redneck goes into a bar and says "Excuse me, I want a 15." The bartender says, "Sir, what is that?" and the redneck looks at him and says "You idiot, it is a 7 and 7."

Check me out at the Cheese or with Fearshop Mike.

You guys rule..and I am James. Thanks

January 22, 2009

Corby Kennard

Corby is a part-time writer, a full-time dad, and a lifetime moviephile. From a young age, Corby has been fascinated with the subtleties of classic cinema, like Dawn of the Dead, and ReAnimator. When in his teens, a friend became the sole employee of a local video store, and not a day went by without a stack of VHS tapes wandering home with either of them. Comedies, Action films, Horror - anything and everything was consumed in copious amounts from that point on, so now, at the ripe old age of 40, Corby's encyclopedic knowledge of film annoys friends and family alike. Instead of annoying the people he loves with his opinions, he's decided to annoy the Internet.

January 17, 2009

January 16, 2009

Zack Anderson

Zack G. Anderson hails from the nether reaches of the Internets. His head is filled with visions of Italian plumbers, question boxes, and rotating golden coins. He is seeking therapy for this. Zack once raised a fire dragon from the egg but when it destroyed his one-room shack he decided it was time to let it go. Zack is a writer and a performer, and also a sociopath. But in a funny and charming way. He is available for birthday parties, funerals, and dragon-hatching ceremonies.

Read Zack's Columns

Twitter: @ZGAComedy

January 12, 2009

Al Neal

A graduate student of history, labor activist and all around corrupter of young minds, interests include Labor history of course, Russian history, any and all zombie movies, horror novels, graphic novels, and drinking cold beer. Favorite authors include: Philip S. Foner, Norman Thomas, Weston Ochese, and many more. In his free time you can find him drinking black coffee, writing short stories ignoring the endless amount of school work that has piled up.

Read Al's Columns

January 11, 2009

Heather Drain

Heather Drain is a writer and collage artist who is fueled by trash culture, surrealism, weird movies, horror, visual art, rock and roll, punk, industrial, new wave, photography, sleaze and so much more. Film writing is her big love, which has led to her writing for Video Watchdog, Cinema Head Cheese, Cinefear, Cultcuts, Lunchmeat, Screem, Ultra Violent, The Exploitation Journal and the Little Rock Free Press. She resides in the Dragonfly Hacienda with her genius/artist hubby Chuck, their two pet rats and one wonderfully cranky cat, Ziggy.

Read Heather's Columns

Blog: Mondo Heather

Twitter: @crashmarie

January 9, 2009

Lane Smith

Lane is a 23 year old history student aspiring to become a history professor and writer.

Interests include home brewing, reading, sports, and politics.

Favorite writer is Hunter S. Thompson. Favorite musician is Bob Dylan.

Favorite historians are Gordon Wood, Howard Zinn, and Fletcher Smith.

Read Lane's Columns

Twitter: @LaneASmith

January 6, 2009

Hollis Jay

Hello. My name is Hollis Jay. I have been a starving writer all of my life. I adore smart horror movies, and am obsessed with reading. I have a degree in English and American Literature and Translation and I am currently working on obtaining my masters degree in Creative Writing. What can I say….I love long walks on the beach fighting zombies with Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees on my side for a change. I am afraid of all things clown, and am hoping one day to be the next Stephen King or at least a non-starving writer and professor. A thank you to all those that read my reviews and I hope that I have been of both humor and help.

Sincerely, Ms. Jay