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August 17, 2016

The Dirty Sanchez (2013) and Leaf Blower Massacre (2012) Movie Reviews

I didn’t realize, until I started watching, that two of the shorts I received in my CHC tower of DVDs were written/produced/directed/etc., by the same folks - Cooney/Stephenson/DeQuattro as the various writers and T-Nasty Production. So I figured I might as well watch both and review them together.

I’m going into this with a sense of humor because how can these be anything but ridiculous? What I wasn’t expecting was the crazy short running time, particularly on the second one. I didn’t pull out a stop watch or anything but it couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes.

The Dirty Sanchez is about a masked psychopath running around killing random people with a pair of garden shears he stole from his first victim. When he’s not murdering folk, he’s eating canned dog food with his bare hands and raping women BEFORE shoving the shears up their hoo-hoos. The only call back on characters is an adorable couple planning a weekend of lovey dovey kissy bouncey times. At the end of the movie, they show back up in the killer’s sights.

*blank stare*

Seriously the best thing about this film is the cute bra and panty set worn by the pretty blonde. Otherwise it feels completely disjointed, a bunch of separate killings taped together with a common killer thrown in at the end because they forgot to include him in the original filming.

I just have three questions: Was the film quality total crap to make a grind house effect? Was the randomness of the victims supposed to make the killer scarier? Is it called Dirty Sanchez because the killer is a big fat slob who keeps yelling things in Spanish?


Actually I don’t care. Don’t tell me. Just…move along.


Leaf Blower Massacre is basically someone dressed in camo and a motorcycle helmet running around killing people, initially stunning them with the awesome 10 amp power unit then either punching them in the face or smashing their heads with the yard clearer. Until he tricks a woman into some kind of death room where he uses a power saw.

Huh? 

The opening of the short implies that the little baby looking out a window down on to his backyard, where there is blood splattered everywhere, grows up 20 years later and becomes the psycho killer.

That’s it. The whole thing feels very haphazard and sloppy. I want to believe there was more story development going on (which might explain Leaf Blower Massacre 2 - I shit you not) but they just couldn’t finish it in time for Mrs. O’Reilly’s 10th grade film class final.

It wasn’t even funny. How can you make a movie called Leaf Blower Massacre and it’s NOT funny? Do I even need to comment on the lack of acting talent and witty dialogue, the generic speed metal, an overall crappy quality of…everything?

This DVD had a couple of extra shorts on it so let’s take a quick look at those, too, shall we? Because apparently I haven’t lived through enough hell already tonight.

EXPIRED
This would have been better as a short story in an anthology (like a print book) but it’s a little late for that. 

Man looks in his fridge for food but it’s all spoiled so he has to go out for more. I can’t tell you who he gets to eat….oooops. Spoiler alert.

WALKING RETARD
A caricature of a cholo is hired to kill a retarded man. After shooting him half a dozen times, he still doesn’t die. The cholo must find someone to help him with this daunting task. 

I don’t really get this one except that maybe the writer, DeQuattro (sorry, can’t remember his first name but I believe he wrote both) has a good friend or family member that is mentally retarded and wanted to make a movie with one who isn’t simply there for ridicule.


The only thing I can say about these movies is that Cooney, Stephenson, and DeQuattro need to stop making films until they can learn to write a comprehensive and cohesive story line. Or at least something interesting. Or entertaining.



0 hatchets (out of 5)





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