Wow, here I am for the second week in a row, posting a movie review. Who even am I anymore?
This week I bring you Llamageddon, the 2015 indie film about an evil alien llama that crash lands on Earth and then proceeds to…well, be an evil alien llama.
Nope. Not kidding.
Our alien llama crashes and immediately kills the maternal grandparents of Mel and Floyd. After the funeral, mom makes the kids watch the house or maybe they’re supposed to get it ready to sell. Who the fuck knows? Don’t know why mom isn’t handling it, since they were her parents, but whatever.
Mel immediately calls everyone she knows for a house party. Floyd, in typical dweeb fashion, freaks out but eventually warms up to the idea, especially after he starts drinking. One by one, partygoers head outside because reasons, where they make easy pickings for the evil llama.
Eventually, the party kids figure out what’s what and either head for the hills or fight back, both options not working out all that well for anyone. One kid, Trent, even gets squirted with green llama spit and transforms INTO a llama that births ten fuzzy evil alien llama eggs.
Just…hang in there. We’re almost done.
At just the right time, the kids’ dad finally pulls himself out from between the legs of his current bimbo to save Mel and Floyd by grinding up the evil llama in the combine.
Did I mention the grandparents worked their own farm, and were surrounded by other famers and livestock owners, so they didn’t find a random llama on the loose all that disturbing, which basically left them with their defenses down against an evil alien llama attack? No? Well, now I did.
You’re welcome.
You guys watching Animal Kingdom?
Um….I, uh….I got nothin.
Okay, that’s not true. There is a LOT, a lot, A LOT that is just awful here. Obviously, as an indie film, the money is not exactly an infinity pool to be accessed at will. This leads to those involved in the production to multitask – writer/director; art/editing; production/actor. It usually leads to a lesser film, only because the work for each job is already heavy. When you double or triple the load, things fall through the cracks.
Here, we find the overdubbing in shambles, the cinematography questionable, the acting awkward, and the writing weak. CGI, costuming, sets (which I’m guessing consisted of the home and farmland of family members), music, sound effects, and audio are unpleasant at best.
The story itself is rather amusing. Takes the invading evil alien trope on a little spin. I can appreciate that. But when the characters are useless, with no depth and not even slightly interesting, we don’t give a shit about what happens in your movie, bro, quirky angle or no.
The other issue I had was with the jokes. Yes, this is a horror comedy. It’s a killer alien llama. What the hell else could it be? But throwing in every fucking 13-year-old’s idea of humor gets tiresome, even by the ten-minute mark. We all know I’m secretly twelve (#itsnotasecret) and enjoy fart jokes and naked time as much as the next guy. But when every joke, every wink, every single word out of a character’s mouth plays to a junior high tween going through puberty, it just tells me the writer is either emotionally stunted or his balls haven’t dropped yet.
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| Stacy, don't freak out. But I think Louis is trying to untie your bikini top. |
HOWEVER…
While all that does suck, I can’t fault 100% of the film. The opening animation, and the bit thrown in the middle to save on f/x for part of Trent’s transformation and…impregnation…was top notch. I loved the style and that it looked drawn by an actual human, not some dusty Data General clunker from the 1980s.
The character of Dan is the best human aspect of the film. He’s very chill, does not come off as uncomfortable (Danny Ambassa has no other acting experience listed on IMDB so he’s a natural), and his character is wearing a different shirt every time he changes location. And what I mean is he’s wearing a red tee when he’s sitting on the couch; he goes to the kitchen to get a beer and he’s wearing a black tee; he returns to the living room and he’s got on an orange tank top. At the end he was in a Star Trek uniform. My guess is it was a nod to the issue of continuity in films. They just took it ten steps into full-on hyperbole and it never lost its charm.
But the best part has to be Louis the Llama, in his first and only starring role. I don’t know who in this production had the hookup with the Llama Association of America (if that is your real name) but Louis was brilliant. Pretty much just did what most llamas do – stand around and look at stuff. But using f/x to make his eyes glow red and shoot lasers literally had me LOL’ing. I loved the prop legs used for kicking people’s hearts out and knocking radios into hot tubs full of teenagers or beating the shit out of someone. Almost worth the price of admission (which was free as this is streaming on Amazon Prime).
All that said, though, I can’t recommend this movie. Even though it has some fun elements, it’s poorly made and a rather large waste of time. To quote the final title after the credits, “No llamas were hurt during the production of this film. Just the dignities of all involved.”
I, too, feel like a lesser person for having watched this.
1 hatchet (out of 5)
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