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April 10, 2014

Shower of Blood (2004) Movie Review

I bought this film a few years back at a horror convention because it was from Brain Damage Films. They don’t always deliver great B-movie fare but I was willing to risk $5 on it because I enjoyed Hell’s Highway so much. Little did I know that our own David Hayes was one of the screenwriters. That’s the only good thing about this flick.

Shower of Blood opens with a quick scene of some poor woman being attacked in the woods. Apparently, there has been a series murders in a local forest and she is the latest victim. Cue the opening credits scrolling over a naked woman rubbing blood all over her tithes.

Next we see a group of friends on their way to visit the one girl’s uncle’s house. I don’t know why and I certainly don’t care. But here’s the character breakdown: Lisa (ball-buster) and Kurt (douche nozzle), Heather (virgin) and Terry (moron), and Megan (drunken slut). Lisa’s Uncle Marty, whose house they are traveling to, isn’t home when they arrive but since she’s family she can let them all in to crash and raid the fridge.

Immediately Lisa is overcome by high pitched screeching noises, and hallucinations of blood, that no one else can hear or see. It passes but happens several times leaving her scared and confused. It turns out, though, that all the ladies begin hearing a voice call to them. Megan immediately begins to feel herself up while Heather takes a shower.

Uncle Marty finally shows up. He’s rather mysterious and charming, like a lounge singer. Kinda dresses like one, too. And we soon find out why this guy is so smooth. I’m not going to spoil the plot here but I bet you can figure out what’s going on by the movie poster. These kids are in terrible danger and it’s going to take all they’ve got to survive the night.

Normally I'd go into a bit more detail in a review but I'm already bored after writing this much. Just know that there are no less than three shower scenes, two self pleasuring scenes, lots of biting and dripping blood, and oodles of boobies and nudity. Let’s not forget  a lot of bad bad bad...bad BAD sound dubbing. Megan chews on a couple of gum balls, conveniently located in a machine just inside Uncle Marty’s house, but it sounds like a horse trying to eat peanut butter slathered in molasses. Same for Lisa and Kurt as they make out in the hall. If I wasn’t watching, I’d think it was a toothless hobo sucking on a Tootsie Pop. Not to mention the female Wilhelm screaming. 

There are no pics anywhere from this film so enjoy the lackadaisical efforts of the sound guys.

The writing was pretty bad. The dialogue overflowed with awful jokes and puns. And honestly, do grown men refer to their genitalia as ‘dingalings’? The story tells us a ritual must be performed for Uncle Marty to get a new bride but why wasn’t that necessary for the other victims? The end result was going to be the same. The characters were flat and one dimensional, basically there to provide fodder for the bad guy. Or titillation for the audience. Exploitation at its finest. Or laziest if you ask me. And what the hell was up with that dungeon? A random scene that felt plugged in simply to beef up the film’s running time.

The acting...yeah. Standard low budget crap, though I have to admit, Lisa (Lia Montelongo - porn name if ever I’ve heard one, though maybe not as porny as Melissa Mountfield who played Heather) was halfway decent and I actually felt like I might succumb to Uncle Marty’s charms. The music  wasn’t bad, either. I found myself rockin' out a bit from time to time. It sounded a bit too professional, though, except for the electronic drums. I felt it was wasted on this movie.

Brain Damage Films has put out (heh, see what I did there?) much better work than this. I say skip it.

1/2 Hatchet (out of 5)

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