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March 13, 2016

Movie Review: Werewolves in Heat (2015)

Okay. I promised David Hayes that I would be brutally honest in my review of this movie and I intend to keep it. (please don’t be mad please don’t be mad please don’t be mad)

Werewolves in Heat is about three young men about town looking to party and get laid. Renting a house out in the desert they plan a big shin dig but if they don't want it to end up a sausage fest, they need to find some ladies. ASAP. They journey to a local bar where they hire some hookers for the evening. How convenient…except, unbeknownst to our gentlemen callers, these ladies are also werewolves and our intrepid heroes are on their dinner menu.

That's really all you need to know about the film. There is nothing deep, or even all that interesting, about the story. The characters are tissue paper, the acting is terrible, and the whole thing felt like a group of people made a movie just because they could. Basically the entire film is jerk-off fodder for 13 year old boys - which is maybe why I didn't like it.

There were just a couple of bits that made the 70 minute watch time worth it. The man-servant that comes with the rental house, Captain Bill, was amusing. He had little zingers here and there, he kept himself in the front closet until needed, and he wore a captain's hat the whole time. He made me laugh once or twice.

One of the trio of guys, Hyman, needed to consult his Rabbis about whether or not he should sex up two of the hookers. I'm still not sure if it was all in his head or over the phone but David Hayes and John Arking popped in for about 3-4 minutes of screen time to play upon the stereotypes of old Jewish guys but they also encourage Hyman to let his freak flag fly. I tittered at that scene.

"Dude, why is your hand on my-" Ssshhh. It's okay. Just enjoy it.

But the saving grace of this whole masturbatory fantasy world was Ron Jeremy as the werewolf hookers' pimp. I don't know if it's because he's had more acting experience than everyone else in the film or it's just because he's the infamous Ron Jeremy but I loved him. He didn't have much screen time but what little he did have felt so genuine, like he really was just enjoying his time and the character. I wish he'd been utilized more.

So there you have it. If you're a guy, I'm sure you'll love this film. If you're a really horny girl, you might get a kick out of it, too. Otherwise, I think you should just avoid it all together.

1 hatchet (and that's for Ron - nothing else is worthy) out of 5

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