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September 7, 2017

Movie Review: Hold Your Breath (2012)

Someone needs to improve this Invisalign design that allows the wearer to drink alcohol while they’re in…

Hold Your Breath opens with a flashback in 1956 where the preacher-turned-serial killer (huh?) is about to be executed. Dietrich Van Klaus (evil German…how original) blathers on with some bullshit exposition from the Bible, gouges out his own eye, kills a guard, then they finally strap him down and throw the switch. 

*yawn* Edward DeLacroix’s death was much worse. Just saying.

We move on to the present day where a group of twenty-somethings are getting together for a camping weekend. (and OMG the girls are like soooo annoying. Like HIIIIIII!!) On the way to the campsite they pass a graveyard and Jerry (the blonde annoying girl) freaks the fuck out trying to get everyone to hold their breaths as the car passes because OMG THAT’S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET POSSESSED. GAAAAWD!

Naturally everyone holds it in but the stoner, Kyle, who’s sucking on a pipe as they pass and wouldn’t you know it, Jerry was right. A roaming spirit (can you guess who??) enters Kyle’s body at that moment. And that’s when Tony needs to pee so the group splits up for him to relieve himself and the power couple, Johnny and Natasha, can go fuck in the abandoned prison/asylum.

Talk about romantic.

Anyway…as you can imagine, chaos and murder ensue. The interesting aspect of this spirit jumping thing is that if the possessed gets punched in the gut (or experiences any kind of bodily trauma or shock), the spirit can jump out and possess someone else. Which is REALLY convenient for the story. This happens a few times but the group, or those who remain by the end of the day, meet McBride, a man who was a guard on duty the night Van Klaus was executed. And thank the gods they do because how could we know it was Van Klaus possessing people and jumping bodies and how he does this on the anniversary of his death every year?

I've got my (remaining) eye on you...

But he has the final solution to destroy this evil spirit once and for all. I think. Maybe it worked. I honestly don’t know.

Most of this film had me rolling my eyes so hard I could literally see out the window behind me at the neighbors across the street. Acting was terrible, the story trite. I didn’t give two shits about any of the characters, save one and I’ll talk about that in a minute. The music effects were way too loud and the CGI was some of the worst I’ve seen. Seemed like quite a bit of the dialogue was there just to recap the storyline. They probably anticipated that viewers would multi task, play on their phones, or leave the room entirely while the film played.

Now that the bad is out of the way, and a lot of bad it is, there are a few things I enjoyed. Kyle, played by Seth Cassell, is the most enjoyable character. He’s goofy, a big teddy bear, and has dimples for days. He’s just so…likable! And though most of the dialogue was lame, the character of McBride had THE best lines. Ever. For example:

“Are you paying somebody to help you misunderstand me?”
“You’d rather chew glass and beat off with sand paper than sit in the same room as that son of a bitch.” 
“You’re about as confused as a baby in a titty bar.”

Did you just say 'titty'? I AM SO TRIGGERED!!

The kills were a lot of fun, too. Though the CGI used for those sucked major donkey balls, the kills themselves were pretty awesome. So that’s always a good thing.

Aside from those few things, though, this flick was pretty bad, as most independent low budget crap can be. Not sure it’s worth slogging through all the crap just for those little bits of shiny.

1.5 hatchets (out of 5)

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