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December 29, 2017

Movie Review: Kill Katie Malone (2010)

Sorry it’s been a hot minute since I delved into the slooooooowly dwindling tower of DVDs I got from CHC. I’d like to say the holidays have been super busy for me but to be honest, I think I just got overwhelmed by the stack of suck staring at me every day from the TV stand...reminding me...that it’s full of suck...

Anyway, let’s get into the next one. *weeps*

Kill Katie Malone opens with a terrified young girl holding a box that obviously unnerves her. As she runs to grab something to set the cursed thing on fire, she trips over nothing (bitches always be tripping over nothing) and doesn’t succeed. When her father bursts in, trying to convince some unseen power to spare his daughter, it doesn’t listen.


Next thing we know, three college friends are hanging out when one, Jim, decides to go onto and order an antique box containing an authentic ghost. THE antique box. His friends are dubious but he insists, even going so far as borrowing money from Dixie (Jim’s roommate). Ginger thinks they’re both idiots but whatevs.

When the damned thing arrives, Jim thinks Ginger and Dixie need to each make a wish before opening. I don’t really know why. Maybe that proves the ghost will do their bidding... but okay. Turns out their wishes come true. But that’s just the beginning. Inside they find an old locket with the initials K.M. *shrug* Let’s just go on about our lives.

Until...strange things start happening. Dixie and Jim’s room is trashed; Ginger is getting harassed by unseen forces; any student who disses on any of the three amigos ends up dead. Maybe it’s time to find out a little more about this box, the locket, and the ghost.

Can you guess what KM stands for??

Wanna check out my box?
Jim finally realizes the box is responsible. But why? He decides to track down the person he outbid online for the damn thing. Turns out the bidder is the sister of the girl who died in the beginning. She knows that the ghost inside the box was Katie Malone, a poor Irish girl sold into slavery and terribly, TERRIBLY abused by her owners. Her spirit ended up in the box and now whomever owns it becomes Katie’s family, in a sense. But since the only families she’d ever known were made up of horrible human beings, she eventually kills whomever bought her box.

*giggle* I said ‘box’.

So this sister explains that the only way to stop the killing is to sell the box. Her plan is to buy it off Jim then NEVER OPEN THE DAMN THING AGAIN, there by trapping Katie inside forever. Because I’m sure that’ll work out perfectly.

I’ll give you three guesses how this ends.

The Three Douchekateers.

While I have to admit the production value on this is 100x better than most of the shit I get for CHC, and some of the acting is above average, everything else was basically on par with the low-rent crap I watch all the time. 

The premise was interesting, the backstory on Katie was actually rather heartbreaking, but the story got muddled halfway through. All these random rules and one-and-done characters that felt thrown in to beef up the skeleton of a storyline. The special f/x weren’t all that special either.

Eventually the film started to feel like The Grudge and The Ring went to a swingers’ bar and hooked up with The Possession and a handful of cursed object movies for a long sweaty night of naked Twister, arms and legs intertwining and glistening in the light of a roaring fire, where eventually you couldn’t distinguish one body part from...

Did it get hot in here??

Aside from one self-inflicted death scene, this was mostly a snooze fest. I say skip it and go see if you can find that swinger’s bar.

1 hatchet (out of 5)

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