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February 6, 2019

Movie Review: Colour Correct My Cock (2015; Vagrancy Films)


…the whole lot of genre movie trailer compilations, much like the trailers themselves, has always been a mixed bag of sorts, as far as the really good ones, intermingled with the ho-hum ones. Invariably, the best ones out there, are the few and far between which genuinely go the extra mile, as far as special…even unconventional presentation, for lack of a better term, rather than merely juggling the same old mix of weathered, well-worn and oft-seen trailers. When this reviewer, and long-since devoted genre movie trailer collector, first succumbed to the collector’s allure of those eye-popping, albeit quickly digestible movie condensations…often which were cleverly edited, in so much as the trailers, in most cases, was genuinely better than the full-length feature films themselves…the prime go-to source for these eclectic compilations was the likes of people not unlike that of the late Mike Vraney’s Something Weird Video, with their enticing and exploitative trailer collection titles (…liberally rendered in a sort of random, hither-tither, maverick junk-food fashion, including some deliciously psychedelic VHS box art, to boot), including the ‘Dusk ‘til Dawn Drive-In Trash-o-rama Show’…the ‘Shiver and Shudder Show’ (…Ooooo!! Ske-e-e-elly!!)…the hippie-crazed Johnny Legend-hosted ‘Bikers, Blondes and Blood’…the equally insane, dy-no-mite & ‘outta sight’ rapper/hipster/gangsta’ meanderings of host Rudy Ray Moore, in ‘Afros, Macks & Zodiacs’. And who couldn’t possibly keep from salivating uncontrollably over the down ‘n’ dirty prospects suggested in Vraney’s over-the-top ‘Blood-o-rama Shock Show’, featuring a promised ’50 Brain Slurpin’ Guts ‘n’ Gore Movie Trailers from the ‘60’s & ‘70’s…Oh, yum!!!...
…and again, over the years, as overall presentation of the more unusual and stand out movie trailer/clip collections became more paramount than just merely stamping and trousting out the same old trailers…well, the likes of Mike Vraney gave way to collections with wrap-around hosts and situations, to spice things up. Man, you just had to love compilation titles like Wizard Video’s Elvira-hosted “Filmgore”, or ‘The Best of Sex & Violence’, the latter with knee-slapping, one-liner wrap-around commentary by veteran genre actor John Carradine (…and even John’s sons, David & Keith, get in on the act). Or ventriloquist Nick Pawlow, trading macabre chuckles and nostalgic insights with his lil’ undead zombie ‘pal’ Happy, amidst the genre trailers in ‘Mad Ron’s Prevues from Hell’. Anyone actually remember slackers Steve Buscemi and Mark Boone, yucking it up at a local rickety ‘movies ‘til dawn’ theater palace, in the almost forgotten lil’ compilation ditty, called “Film House Fever”?? And leave us not forget veteran actor Cameron Mitchell, decked out in sinister cloaked blackness, teasing and taunting unsuspecting video store patrons, with clips of nasty Continental Video-distributed genre gems, on the self-apparent “Terror on Tape”??...

…and well, just when you thought that you’d seen it all…eh well, umm…
…say, around 2005 or so, shamelessly self-proclaimed grindhouse smut peddlers James Bialkowski and Jacob Windatt (…no worries, guys…considering our skewed and devoted crowd, reading herein, the term ‘smut’ is thusly coined in a delectably favorable and affectionate way)…the two-man duo of operations of Vagrancy Films…began their trek across the highways and by-ways of the greater United States and Canada, with their often quite flamboyantly degenerate screenings of some of the most obscure, bizarre and outrageous grindhouse movie prints, liberally fettered with seemingly random, though equally twisted movie trailers, clips, commercials and other provocative pieces of cinematic pop culture nostalgia, and at the same time, daring to put on one helluva show, in the wake of each and every screening. With only a privileged few having experienced the deliciously decadent dreck, which these boys lovingly, albeit covertly splattered onto unsuspecting screen venues…well, it stands to question, at least for we who have managed to escape…er, or rather miss these over-the-top screenings…just how can we jump into the fray, amidst this irresistibly maddening cinematic insanity??
…”Colour Correct My Cock” amusingly kicks into gear with an irreverent, improvised and comically vaudevillian-like scenario, where our two intrepid producers, James and Jacob, are in a small warehouse office…kind of like what one might find in a bare-bones, thrown-together construction site trailer…batting back and forth, commentary on potential submitted contributions for their proposed clip & trailer compilation…the rambling, acidic-laced ‘brainstorming’, occasionally interrupted by their beautifully slinky, sexy and buxom assistant, who parades in with their mail and some beers…and later, by some brutus-sized, leather-clad associate of theirs, hefting a passed-out bar girl over one shoulder, and a half-toked six-pack over the other. Taking time to open a few pieces of their fan mail, James and Jacob immediately unleash a maddening ‘wrath to the gods’ tirade (…which blazingly culminates in the titular exclamation), when one of the more respectable media distributors sends them a correspondence, which form-letter-like dictates an appreciation for their submissions, but denies them any sort of distribution deal, because their material is deemed way too harsh for even the more appreciative audience of such material…
…and what follows, without giving too much away, is James Bialkowski’s and Jacob Windatt’s suggested aforementioned (…and consequently, to our exclusive benefit, ‘rejected’) contribution to the trailer tape genre…an outrageously insane and schizophrenic mix of obscure cult film trailers, vintage public service announcements, random X-rated clips of Japanese ‘pink’ movies, old-school ‘60’s & ‘70’s TV commercials, countless drive-in theater concession advertisements, and more obscure genre movie trailers, many of which are dubbed or rendered in German, which makes the totally whacked out proceedings offered herein, all the more…well, whacked out. There’s absolutely no rhyme nor reason to how these clips and trailers are randomly spliced together…and yet, the insane waywardness (…read ‘way fucked up’) of the compilation, is outrageously riotous, rousingly side-splitting, and irreverently party perfect…
…a movie trailer for a ‘70’s Canadian ‘children’s film festival’ is followed by a…well, a rather ‘penetrating’ Asian ‘pink’ movie segment…a preview for a hardcore German-language flick is proceeded by the delightfully low-budget & cavity-inducing trailer for “The 7 Dwarves to the Rescue”…some random segment involving three naked ladies, frolicking in a pond, then a trailer for the kung-fu/mafia knock-off, “Godmother II”…after Walt Disney’s “Gus”, a riotous ‘anti-drinking’ message…a German trailer for “Killer Condoms”…a promo spot for the PIC mosquito repellant…almost all the daring ‘Doberman Gang’ are represented…so are ‘Tintorera’, ‘Scorchy’ and ‘Nigger Charley’. Leave us not forget about actor Tony Curtis’ spot, and the time later in his fading career, when he ‘liked it cool’, even if it was still hot…and oh, how this reviewer remembers that scratchy old-school Whammo TV commercial (…ah, c’mon!! As with any snot-nosed, pimply-faced kid of the late ‘60’s/early ‘70’s, who didn’t get higher than a kite, ‘inadvertently’ sucking in those overwhelming, mind-numbingly noxious fumes of ‘SuperElasticBubblePlastic’?? Kids today, and ‘Tide Pods’, you say?? Yeah, right...Git’ outta’ town!!!). And all this…rest assured, is just the tip of the iceberg…
…10 parts, trailer compilation…20 parts, archival pop culture curiosity…and 150 parts (…or, should we say 150 proof) extreme party-tape outrageousness, “Colour Correct My Cock” is, at the very least, the ultimate rag-tag, maverick cinematic diversion, best cut into the intermissions of an evening of cult film movie marathon madness, and even better experienced while sipping one’s fourth or fifth piss-warm Steel Reserve 211 (...trust me, the pictures herein this review, hardly do this compilation, it's due justice). Still find-able, despite a limited pressing of the Blu-ray and DVD, this one cries out madly for discovery by the curious and unwary. And if you shudder to think that James and Jacob drew their line in the sand, and just stopped…oh hell no, you’d be sadly mistaken; hot on the heels of 2013’s release of “CCMC”…and thanks to overwhelming crowd-funding support…the boys managed to squeeze out and pinch off an equally outrageous and insane follow-up…namely, 2017’s “Colour Correct My Cock Can Fuck Off”, which proudly and shamelessly pushes the threshold, boldly and brazenly set forth by the first “CCMC”, even further…uh like, if that’s was even possible, and…

…BUT WAIT!!! Quicker than the guy in the infomercial (always) says, “…if you act right now, we’ll also include as a bonus…”…yes, even as you fine degenerate folk out there read this, the word on the social media grapevine has recently suggested that the boys are in the editing process of etching out…yes, a third edition of “Colour Correct My Cock”…

...hey, what is it that they say about "the best things in life are worth waiting for"?? In this case, they might have meant lowlife...but, be rest assured, that's a good thing...a good, extra-long and extra-thick thing, if we're lucky...LOL!!!



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