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November 28, 2019

Thankskilling (2009) Movie Review

I did notice that this film was reviewed back in 2011. But as Thanksgiving is upon us (hopefully I upload this on the holiday proper), I thought it might be a good time to revisit this gem. And by gem I mean pile of crap that gives me the proper excuse to start my holiday drinking early.

Here’s the breakdown (and I don’t mean mine after watching this). Five unlucky college kids are headed home for Thanksgiving break. On the way, they’re gonna go party somewhere because reasons, then go home for the holiday. Unfortunately, Johnny’s Jeep breaks down and they’re all stranded for the night. But that’s okay! We have camping gear (why again?) and beer. Let’s just drink and be young and free and do what we want because we’re in college!

Unfortunately, again, the breakdown strands them in Crawberg, the infamous town where, in 1621, some jack ass pilgrim raped a local Indian chief’s daughter. The chief calls a curse down upon the white man via a murderous turkey (okkaaaay). In fact, all whites are in danger now as the bird slaughters his way through the population. And every 505 years, it will rise again to kill any white folks that cross its path.

And because math sucks harder than your mom trying to earn enough cash for that Gucci handbag she’s always wanted, no one wants to wait that long. Cue the local redneck’s dog who pees on the dollar store decoration - I mean, ancient tribal totem pole - thereby resurrecting said turkey a tad early.

I mean, wouldn’t you rise from the dark realm if someone peed on your grave, or sacred lawn ornament? I think you would.

Now officially pissed on, and off, the turkey is hell bent on finding the closest white people he can to exact revenge, murder, and some convenient bestiality (yes, that’s what I said) to fulfill the Indian curse.

Will the kids survive long enough to end the terror? Do we care? Probably not.

It's NOT a phase! I'm a hooman on the inside!
Here’s what’s wrong with this movie. I don’t mind horror and comedy together, but when the writers want to fit in every fucking *winkwink* and nod and pointed finger, acknowledging they’re in a movie or ridiculous reasoning or cliched theme/character, it honestly worsens the whole thing. Once you’ve jammed that 47th elbow to the ribs over yet another double entendre or trope, no one gives a shit about how clever and funny you are(n’t).

Along with that are the cliched characters: jock, fat slob, slut, nerd, and good girl. Not to mention the redneck, the clueless sheriff dad, and the father who only loves his son when he’s first string quarterback. Let’s not forget the gratuitous boobie shot and the big boobie Pilgrim attached to them (played by porn actress Wanda Lust) who’s chased down, bouncing titties and all, and killed after the curse is first created.

And if all that wasn’t ham-fisted enough for you, after the turkey is defeated, he’s thrown on top of some radioactive waste, that just happens to be in an open garbage can out in the middle of the woods (because where else would it be). That, naturally, brings our dastardly villain back to life so he can keep killing. Well, at least one more character before our virginal heroine chops off its head and throws it on the fire.

Fin, where the credits tell us “to be continued…in space.”

I think I rolled my eyes so hard that I kinked my optic nerve.


Now, all that said, as I was writing up this review, I actually found a few redeeming aspects. The original music ain’t half bad. Add in those turkey gobbling noises, and it’s rather amusing. The kills are epic. Practical effects, nice and sloppy with the gore. The killer turkey is obviously a hand puppet, which is hilarious. Seems impossible, but any low budget CGI would have made this flick worse, so the practical effects and character are very much appreciated. But the main saving grace of this movie is it’s just over an hour long.

There aren’t a lot of Thanksgiving horror films out there so we have to take what we can get. And while this isn’t a great film, I appreciate the creators taking the time to show some horror love to an underrepresented, and many times overlooked, holiday.

1.5 hatchets (out of 5)

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