Bathtub Shark Attack (2023) Movie Review

 

If anyone remembers, about a year ago I reviewed an indie horror movie called Spirit Animal. Brought to us by Nekroshark Films, writer/director Madeline Deering has done it again with today’s review offering, Bathtub Shark Attack.

Yes, you read that correctly.

By the time I get to the end of the review, I’m sure I’ll have figured out exactly how I feel about this flick. But for now, let’s get into some details.

The basic premise of this one is about a down-on-their-luck couple who moves into a really cheap apartment, something that seems to good to be true. And you’d be right. Because the caveat here is a creature lurking in the pipes that demands flesh and blood!

 

Pretty straight forward, right? I don’t want to spoil too much of the plot since it just came out last year. And since it’s an indie film, it might take a little longer to get distributed beyond its native Pennsylvania and Ohio where I was able to get a copy (thanks for grabbing one, Jeff, while I worked the table with David at Cinema Wasteland.)

If I remember correctly, Spirit Animal opened with the rando bartender breaking the fourth wall to tell us about the movie. Guess what? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it because he’s back. He explains the tape; he explains the premise; and, again, he tells us about the game you have to play when watching with friends. Since the movie was shot in “Splash-o-Vision” every time a shark picture pops up on screen, shoot your fellow movie watchers with the squirt gun you got with the movie.

I watched a bit of the Indie-Go-Go promo in the Special Features section of the DVD and Madeline explains that they wanted to make the GORIEST shark film ever. I wasn’t so sure about that until we get to the final scene. But I’m not about to relive that moment so you’ll have to get the DVD and witness it yourself.

Lush just released their new Halloween bath bomb!

I have to say, there are GALLONS of blood sloshing around in this movie. There are probably a minimum of a dozen kills that involve some body part being bitten off, crushed in (with a toilet plunger no less), run through either by glass shards or projectiles. This doesn’t count the half a dozen characters who were electrocuted! And while, perhaps, the f/x weren’t super polished, I always appreciate practical rubber and corn syrup over trash CGI any day.

And Madeline certainly delivered! The blood, not the shit CGI.

The story itself is pretty standard as far as horror tropes go. Evil cult, immortal monster, virgin sacrifice, etc. And I appreciate that Madeline knows how to build a story, piece by piece, so we’re guessing what’s going to happen next (or trying to puzzle it out along the way). I’m not saying there weren’t parts I’d figured out right off the bat, but despite some general lagging in the middle, I liked the set-up, development, and climax of the story.

The one problem I had was trying to figure out when this movie is supposed to be taking place. There were a lot of nineties references (Melrose Place, the Nintendo gaming system the stoners used) but Chad references his record store job and how everyone wants cassettes now, not vinyl. Which would be the eighties. Also the woman in the beginning had a rotary phone which basically went out of fashion in the seventies and eighties…

SEE, THESE KIND OF INCONSISTENCIES DERAIL MY ENJOYMENT!

Anyway…

The character development felt a little lax but if they wanted to make this the goriest shark film ever, you’re gonna need a lot of cannon fodder and the audience can’t care about cannon fodder, amirite? While the acting was not good, I did find myself rooting for Chad and Bill the Plumber. In fact, there’s a scene between them where, after the power goes out in the building, Bill is dumbfounded by the fuse box and when Chad unintentionally sneaks up on him, they both do this pretend kung-fu dance that actually made me pause the DVD because I was laughing pretty hard.

How many times do I have to tell you NO GARLIC before lovey dovey time?

In fact, I think I did all my laughing at the scenes with Chad and Bill – not always together, though. Each character had his amusing moments. Probably the best with Bill was the epic fight scene with the cult near the end, and Chad jerking off with his right hand while he worked a Shake Weight in his left.

I do have to mention, though, for an indie horror, there was a particular LACK of titty shots. And I’m not complaining! It’s a rather tired trope so to only have a couple was rather refreshing. Hey, I get why they’re popular and why people demand them. But it was nice to see a writer/director do things a little differently for a change.

But if you want gratuitous nudity, there is an extreme close up of some lady bits at the end (again, I’m not going to describe it any more than that for reasons that will become clear if you watch the movie) and some shark dick. So…

I will spoil one thing for you. The number of times you’re supposed to squirt your friends with a water pistol (that I caught anyway): seventeen. I say turn that into a different party game and make it like going to a Japanese hibachi grill. Fill those guns with sake and the person you aim at has to drink!

So while this is not one of the better indie films I’ve seen, I have to say Madeline stepped up her game and delivered a solid horror comedy. Maybe not worth multiple watches but I’m not mad at the time I spent watching it.

3 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

 

 

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DEMIGOD (2021) Movie Review

I hate to admit that I’m leery of modern horror films. More often than not, they’re turds hiding in shitty CGI with no originality. But for some reason - maybe the slick trailer got me - I wanted to give this one a try. And I have to say, I’m not 100% disappointed. So, there’s that.

I will do my best not to reveal any spoilers as this movie just came out a couple of weeks ago. So this will probably be a short review!

The basic story of Demigod is this: After Robin’s grandfather dies, she and her husband, Leo, return to Germany, where she was born and lived as a small child. There they find a dark secret waiting for them.

 

It seems jumping on the pagan/witch bandwagon is a thing now. It was a huge trope in the sixties and seventies, where the witches worshipped Satan, killed babies, and put hexes on people. Then the nineties gave us movies like The Craft and Practical Magic which, at the very least, gave us some accurate basics of witchcraft and paganism. And then The VVitch came out and threw the witchcraft trial victims right under the horse cart and perpetuated the untruth of witches worshipping Satan and killing babies.

Fucking trolls.

At least the people of Demigod have returned to the more basic truths of paganism and witchcraft, and wrapped them in the folklore of Germany, specifically the Black Forest. Think deep dark woods, hunting, horned god, sacrifice, etc. You see where this is going?

That’s all I’m going to tell you because any more would really give away too much. So let me talk about the good aspects of the film.

Is there something on my face? Here? This side? Did I get it?

 

•   The cinematography and location shoots are gorgeous. Atmosphere fits each scene and situation well. I never felt pulled out of the story because something was off in the surroundings.

•   Pacing is just right. There is a good buildup with character introductions, backstory building, scene setting. Then at about the halfway mark, the shit hits the fan.

•   Acting is excellent. I only recognized one actress (Rachel Nichols, who played Robin) but everyone else matched her skills. I was personally impressed with the child, Rachel Ryals, who played Amalia, and Miles Doleac who played Amalia’s father, Arthur. What really impressed me is that of the actors playing the German natives, only ONE was born there. Maybe she helped with dialect and accents but whatever the case, I really thought German actors were hired for this movie. Good job everyone!

•   I did really like a few lines of dialogue: “The night has come to kill the day. Sleep well.” - Arthur (okay, thanks for creeping me out, dude). “I’m nobody’s servant.” - Robin. She ended up being pretty strong, not as bad ass as Amalia, but that line gave me goosebumps.

Da fuq did you just say to me?

And now for the bad.

•   The actual demigod, Cernnous (I think that was the name - honestly, they called him a dozen different things) looked straight up like a guy running around in a bull mask. Bad CGI for his mouth movement, random use of glowing eyes, and a rambling speech near the end about ritual and servants and blah blah blah.

•   Either too long establishing shots (walking up a path or whatever) and some long speeches about traditions and ritual and blah blah blah pulls the viewer out of the experience.

•   Robin is a relatively smart character but it takes a lot of her asking “What?” “What do you mean?” “I don’t understand” before the story can progress, while the rest of us are waiting for her to catch up.

•   Glomming onto the witch trend, making them evil and murdery (even if it’s explained as for a ‘higher’ purpose) still pisses me off to no end.

So aside from these few issues, overall the film is entertaining and interesting. I don’t think it was released in theaters but you can rent it on Amazon. Maybe you should check it out!

3 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Movie Review: Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review: Part 4 - Initiation

Journal Entry #57: The hallucinations have begun. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s only in my mind. I fear that by the time help arrives I will be dead. Or worse - hopelessly lost in a delusion of my own making. What was that? Santa? Is that you…?

Day four brings us Initiation: Silent Night Deadly Night 4, a film which has ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CONNECTION TO THE FIRST THREE SAVE FOR A QUICK CLIP FROM #3 WHILE A CHARACTER WATCHES TV.

Fucking weak.

Basically the fourth movie in the series is all about girl power, witchcraft, and how useless men are except to be parasites to the goddess within all women.

Fucking weak. Well, at least the writers didn’t make them Satan worshippers. That’s something. Not much but it’s something.

Let’s break down the plot. Kim works at a newspaper but because she’s just a woman she doesn’t get to work on any big stuff. Well, she says fuck that and decides to get the scoop on the flaming woman who recently committed suicide. When she starts interviewing the locals about it, she meets Fima, the bookstore owner who is suspicious as fuck if you ask me. Which no one did. Moving on.

Kim keeps getting drugged by Fima and her female coven…I mean colleagues. I’m not sure why they feel the need for Kim to join their group other than she’s a chick and they don’t want her to continue being held down by The Man. Because boys are yucky and have cooties and are totally useless.

Movie Review: Rosemary’s Baby (2014)

Trust me. If this remake hadn’t been included in my latest CHC package, I never would have watched it. It’s not necessarily a film that makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a spork previously used by a leper with herpes but it’s not something I would recommend anyone else watch. Ever.

Rosemary’s Baby, for those of you that don’t know, was a narrow book written by Ira Levin in 1967. It was originally adapted for the screen in 1968 starring Mia Farrow, John Cassavetes, Ruth Gordon, and directed by Roman Polanski. The basic premise of the story is as follows (again, for you newbs - spoilers ahead):

Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse move into a high rise apartment building. Quickly befriended by an older couple, Minnie and Roman Castevet, who seem to be benefactors and meddlers at the same time. Guy is a struggling actor but things quickly fall into place for his success, mainly by the competition going inexplicably blind. Coincidence this happens AFTER Guy befriends the old couple? Wait and see, young viewer.

Guy and Rosemary decide to have a baby and on the night of conception, Rosemary is drugged and hallucinates being raped by a demon. Or does she? Now pregnant, her first few months are agony - constant pain, nausea, weight loss. Though her friends try to convince her to seek help, she trusts the advice of the doctor recommended by the Castevets. When her pregnancy improves, she seems to forget about all her previous worries.