I’m kinda getting
tired of taking a chance on an unknown movie and then liking it. I mean, this
is Cinema Headcheese. I take pride in holding myself to a certain standard of
crap and bitching about it.
Geez.
As I wasn’t
planning to review this particular film, I didn’t take copious notes. That will
help this to be a more spoiler-free review. The film is also from 2018, so it’s
still relatively new and probably not on a lot of people’s radars.
The Dark is about
two teenagers who bond and heal in the wake of traumatic experiences. Mina,
after being killed by her mother’s molesting boyfriend, wakes as a zombie in
the woods near her home. She must kill and eat humans to “survive”. Several
years later, she crosses paths with a wanted criminal who trespasses into her
territory, and promptly kills him. While searching the man’s car for goods, she
discovers Alex, a teenage boy the man had kidnapped then blinded through
torture.
As Mina takes
Alex in tow, trying to find him food, shelter, and help, the two create a
strong bond of friendship, each a healing force for the other. Though in order
to keep Alex safe, blood’s gonna get spilled.
I actually don’t
want to say more than that. I don’t want to break down the film scene by scene,
like I usually do. I will comment on a few aspects, of course. Despite there
being a lot of division among reviewers across the internet, I don’t think
anyone can deny this film throws an emotional punch. And I haven’t been able to
stop thinking about it ever since I watched it.
About 80% of the
film is carried by two people: Nadia Alexander and Toby Nichols, who play Mina
and Alex respectively. The subject matter, zombie aspect aside, is very heavy
and these two bore the brunt of it well. Using the zombie trope to explore and
discuss issues like molestation, rape, kidnapping, torture, brain washing, and
murder through the eyes of the teens that experienced these horrors is
something I haven’t seen before. At least, not with this strong emotional
connection. Even Mina’s zombie isn’t typical. She’s not a brainless, shambling,
cloudy-eyed automaton. Aside from the killing and eating people, she could be a
“normal” teenage girl.
Toby did a
fantastic job of playing a teen who’d obviously been so traumatized, he was
reluctant to go with Mina even after she told him his kidnapper was dead. He
lived in fear that the man would come back for him or find his family and kill
them. When we first encounter Alex, he’s in soiled clothes with burn scars over
his eyes. But we didn’t need to see him go through that hell. Toby showed us
plenty through his acting in the film. Same for Mina. We do get some flashbacks to give us an idea how she got to this zombified state, but Nadia shows us plenty without us having to witness her personal trauma.
There is no
soundtrack. There is one simplistic song, “Mina’s Theme”, that plays a couple
times. Or the kids hum a soft tune once or twice. But I think the lack of music
made this a much more powerful film. That in conjunction with the
cinematography created such a bleak and unforgiving world these kids had to
live in.
Most of the film
is dark, lighting-wise, I mean. I don’t know if that was a director’s choice to
show that we each have darkness to contend with inside and out, or that the
world is a dark place, hence the title of the film. Darkness can be different
for everyone, and from some of the character development in this movie, I’d say
the teens weren’t the only ones who had suffered at the hands of something dark
and terrible.
The one main
thing I didn’t like was the pacing. It did drag a bit, and some scenes went on
a little too long. But only checking my watch once or twice during a 90-minute
film is fairly good, so it wasn’t as bad as others I’ve watched in the past.
I did try to read
up on a bunch of reviews because the ending is a little…huh? And after
discovering NO ONE had any answers or theories out there, I realized that the
writer may have left the ending a little vague so each viewer could interpret
in their own way. I can’t really say what I think the ending means because it
would give too much away. But it did give me hope for Alex’s recovery, and for
Mina’s, too.
Is this a
supernatural tale? Sure. Is it a human story? Absolutely. What it means for you
will be different than what it means for me. And stories that keep me thinking,
long after they’re over, are some of the most beautiful stories out there.
It’s on Amazon
Prime if you’d like to check it out for yourself.
4 hatchets (out
of 5)
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If you can
believe it, sometimes I’m more leery of modern horror than ‘vintage’. I know,
unheard of, right? But every now and again, I like to live dangerously.
Sometimes it pays off, sometimes not. In this case…um, yes?
(WARNING: I do
spoil movies because I have no self-control. So if you haven’t seen this, stop
reading, go watch the movie, then come back.)
Dark House is
about Nick DiSanto. When he was eight years old, his mother committed herself
to an asylum. The main reason is because when Nick touches people, he can see
their death. Not just a regular death, though. It has to be something sooper
bad, like being chopped up by an axe murder or something. I guess that was a
little stressful on mom.
And now, here we
are, on Nick’s 23rd birthday, and he gets a call from the asylum. In
all these years, his mother has never wanted to see him – or anyone, for that
matter – but today she specifically requested a visit from her long-abandoned son.
Naturally, she’s a bit scared to look at him (guilt, fear, take your pick) but
once she makes that connection, she tells Nick that his father isn’t dead; yes,
I’ve known who he is all along; he’s coming for you.
Nick’s a bit
pissed, as you might imagine, and grabs her, demanding the truth. He sees her
horrible death – she’s on fire – before her warning turns into babbling and
Nick just wants the fuck out. His roommate is waiting outside the asylum so they
can go party and drink and celebrate Nick’s birthday. Nick wants to drink away
his problems anyway, so let’s go.
He meets Eve, who
will soon become his best gal. When he touches her, he doesn’t have the violent
visions of death. Well, that’s convenient. So they hang out, talk about life, the crazy
coincidences with the number 23 (gee, I wonder if that’s going to come back at
all…), deal with some assholes who want to really know if Nick can see their deaths,
blah blah. Commence the lovey-dovies, she gets pregnant, and they’re happy.
UNTIL…
We get a quick
scene with mom as she talks to the voice in her vent. Yeah, she’s crazy. The
voice is angry, though, because she didn’t give Nick the 4-1-1 on HIM (the
voice) so he (the voice) sets mom on fire, which in turn, burns the whole
asylum down. Eight months later, Nick gets a call from a judge about his mother’s
will. Nick didn’t even know she had one, but he discovers that she had the deed
to a house that is now his. But the weirdest part (aside from the judge talking
to the voice in his vent after Nick leaves) is that Nick has been drawing a
particular house his whole life, thinking it was just something he imagined.
Turns out the house he now owns is the house from his imagination – or memory. It MUST have a clue about his dad.
Now Nick, Eve (eight
months pregnant, btdubs), and roomie, Ryan, head out to find this house in the
backwater town of Rivers End. That house he’s searching for is a bit of a local
legend. It’s known as Wormwood and was washed away in the Black Water Flood 23
years ago (hey, 23 again…). With the help of some rando land surveyors, Kris,
Sam, and Lilith, they actually find the house intact.
Yes, that’s impossible
but nevertheless, here we are.
Not only is the
house still intact, but a man, Seth, has been there for years, “working” on it.
So get the fuck out. Though he lets Nick come in for a bit, explaining that God
brought the flood to get rid of this house and Seth’s been trying to tear it
down ever since. Then he tosses Nick out and says never return. Cue the three creepy
loping guys carrying hatchets that chase everyone off the property. Unfortunately,
Sam is killed, Kris is nearly killed, and Lilith is being all weird with Eve.
GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU DAMN KIDS!
This is when
things start taking a sideways path, folks.
The group goes
back to town for help but it’s completely empty. At least, it LOOKS empty to
them, even though the place is bustling with activity. Only one person can
actually see the group as they’re searching for aid, Lucky, one of the
townsfolk that goes AND TALKS TO A VOICE IN A FUCKING VENT.
Next thing we
know, the group is back at the house, even though they drove 30 miles away
from it. They’ve got to take shelter inside for the night and then figure out
what to do in the morning. Seth and the Lopers are outside watching the house
but he instructs them to stay put. They’ll know when to go back inside.
Wait, what?
Nick dreams about
a hidden door in the house, as well as his mom in the vent who tells Nick she’s
trapped, just like his father. He needs to release them both – go open the
cellar! And yep, when he wakes up, he goes in search of that door. Chris seems awfully
helpful about getting that door open, too. Each time they open it though, the Lopers
come to life and charge the house. But once they close the door, the Lopers
just stand still. So the group weaves their way through them, hoping to go find
their car, and GTFO.
Unfortunately, they
get separated. Nick and Ryan find Sam’s body and discover he’s not quite…human.
Lilith and Eve find the car and hide, but Lilith ain’t so human either.
Luckily, Seth shows up and kills Lilith because she was going to EAT EVE’S
BABY.
And now we
finally find out what the hell is going on – literally. Lilith, Sammael (Sam),
and Kristoff (Kris) are all demons of hell. Their purpose was to destroy the
baby, get Nick into the house to open the cellar, and invite his dad (which we
assume is Satan) into the living realm. But it could only be done by Satan’s
human son during his 23rd year of life (there’s that pesky 23 again).
Seth has been trying to destroy the house since the flood. The Lopers are
actually God’s Gargoyles (that’s what Kristoff calls them) and working for Seth.
Kris and Nick
meet up and, yep, Nick ends up in the house and…Eve and Ryan find him covered
in blood with an axe sticking out of his back. Oh don’t worry, he’s still
alive. The other two try to convince him to leave, but Nick’s mad that everyone
tried to stop him, and his dad. Little tussle ensues and Eve wakes up in the
hospital, after having given birth to a son. Seth saved her ass and told her it’s
time for her to forget Nick and move on.
Four years later,
Eve’s son is at the kitchen table, drawing the same house Nick drew his whole
life, while listening to a voice COMING OUT OF THE FUCKING VENT.
Nope, nope, nope, fucking nope.
Lots to unpack
here…
Look, this story
is nothing new. It’s not particularly original or inventive or groundbreaking.
Throughout my notes, I called a lot of the big twists or reveals because, as a
horror lover, I’ve seen and read this trope dozens of times. The hints
scattered throughout the movie are giant sourdough loaves. But that doesn’t
make the movie less enjoyable.
The main
characters are believable and grounded in reality, as much as they can be in a ‘bring
Satan to the world’ film. Even the minor characters, no matter how short their
screen time, are necessary pieces of the overall puzzle and I can’t imagine how
the story would have worked without them.
The acting is fantastic.
Tobin Bell plays Seth and he’s probably the most likeable, even when you don’t
know his true purpose until later. He has great presence on screen, a perfect
choice for Seth. Lacy Anzelc played Lilith and from the get-go, she’s ‘off’,
you know? She played the demon with such subtlety. You didn’t know why she got
under your skin; she just did. Ethan S. Smith as Samael came off as this meek,
bumbling dork but in reality, Samael is an assassin for Hell, so he needed to
cover up his true purpose. Zach Ward as Kristoff was the demon that can create
illusions – like the empty town, driving in circles, etc. So all their
confusion was his doing. How cool is that? Also, I adore Zach Ward.
The music was
great through the whole movie. It was used particularly well for building
tension. There were a few times the pacing lagged, but the music helped bring
it back on track. Editing, cinematography, production, direction, makeup, set
design, and wardrobe were all great. I loved the look of the Gargoyles. We
never got to see their faces and the way they loped through their attack scenes
was so creepy. They were one of my favorite things in the film. Them and the
1950s Cadillac that Ryan drove.
With all the
good, there has to be some bad. Like I said before, the story is a well-known
trope. The devil has a son and needs him to bring hell on earth is not new. So,
for me, it was easy to figure out what was going on relatively early. And I
never know what the fuck is happening in movies so when I can figure it out,
that’s bad.
A lot of elements
in the storytelling were OBVIOUSLY used as double meanings or foreshadowing.
Even some of the simple names and terms were elbow nudges to the testicles
about what was going on. The whole bar scene discussion about the number 23;
calling the house Wormwood; Lilith’s name; etc. Now maybe, if you’re not that familiar
with the Bible or Christianity or the tv show, Supernatural, none of
this would trigger any bells for you. But I am – I attended catholic school for
eleven, and four of Lutheran college. I was named after a nun, for crying out
loud. Lots of predictability here.
While the rest of
production was great, the sound was terrible. And the worst kind of terrible:
quiet dialogue and EAR BLEEDING DECIBLES FOR THE SOUND EFFECTS. I can forgive a
lot of stuff in films if I’m entertained and not checking my watch all the
time, but not crap audio balance.
Also, I was
checking my watch from time to time. The pacing is uneven and the story drags
in several places.
I have to say, overall,
that this is an enjoyable film. Despite its flaws, the good outweighs a lot of
the bad. I almost want to go back and watch again just to see if there are any
other clues I may have missed (doubtful, but I’m not perfect).
2.5 hatchets
(out of 5)
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You know, most of the time I try to find films that are kinda
trash. Partly because they’re fun to shred, and partly because I think the
people who patronize this site like the “less polished” side of film. Every now
and again, though, I find a movie that is crap but manages to be entertaining
at the same time. This is such a movie.
Black Roses is about a bunch of demons who have disguised
themselves as a rock n roll band in order to hypnotize the public.
That’s it. That’s the only description I’ve been able to find. I
have a feeling the demons want more than just to make people cluck like
chickens against their wills. Don’t worry. I’ll break it down a bit more for
you.
(I WILL SPOIL IT SO IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT, STOP HERE. GO WATCH.
COME BACK. READ ON.)
We know right from the start that this band is comprised of
demons. The opening scene shows them performing at some concert venue IN demon
form! When the cops come to arrest them, the audience bursts out of the arena,
already transformed into demons, and wreak havoc. I mean, I’m assuming they do
because that scene ends abruptly and the title screens roll.
Next thing we know, two Lamborghinis roll into the quiet little
hamlet of Mill Basin. Damian (not kidding) throws the Devil Horns to his crew
and they start hanging up flyers about the band playing a few concerts in town.
Naturally, this God-fearing community doesn’t want the Satan music corrupting their
children.
But the Mayor supports it. Remember how rock n roll used to be
demonized when we were youngsters? Besides, the school board approved it so
your little committee can’t really do squat here. So the parents sit in on the
concert, and are relived to hear the soft rock strains coming from the Black
Roses. Certainly, these 60 seconds we’ve heard are just like the rest of their
music. Let’s vamoose.
I bet you can guess what happens after the adults leave, eh?
The next day, the kids are all kinda zonked out. The cool
teacher, Mr. Moorhouse, assumes it’s because they were up late for the concert.
But when the kids’ behavior keeps getting worse, and they attend every Black Roses
performance, and then people start DYING, Mr. Moorhouse thinks something hinky
is going on. And the rock band is responsible.
He takes matters into his own hands and plans to burn the stage
down. You know, while the band is playing and the auditorium is filled with
kids. But whatever gets the job done, amiright? He actually succeeds in setting
the demons on fire and the kids escape, stumbling out into the night with no
memory of what they’ve been up to the past two days (fighting, being disrespectful,
having the sex, killing their parents, etc.).
*sigh* It’s over. Mill Basin beat the Devil out of town.
Or did it? Lucky for us, Mr. Moorhouse and the Mayor are sitting
down to the news just as the entertainment broadcast comes on. Seems Black
Roses has booked a bunch of shows in NY and a trip to tour the UK.
dundunDUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN
All right. Let’s get the bad out of the way.
Some of the acting is terrible. Mostly the high school kids, and
some of the adults. But it’s a small movie filmed somewhere in Canada. This
shouldn’t be a shock.
The demon makeup/monsters were actually more cute than scary. My
personal favorite was the one that came out of one character’s home speaker and
pulls the dad back through it (played by Vincent Pastore, whom you may remember
from a little show called The Sopranos). Damian’s demon form looked more
like baby Godzilla, and Julie – teacher’s pet resident goody-goody – her demon
form looks like it popped straight out of a children’s comic book.
They were like adult sized Muppets.
Is there something in my teeth?
The music was rather bland for rock n roll. Very generic 80s hair
metal. Honestly, I wanted to hear Damian’s rousing calls to the Devil speeches more
than their music. Also, when Mr. Moorhouse ran around trying to save the town
and the kids, the music sounded like something that would backing up Captain
America or the Greatest American Hero. We love a good superhero, don’t
we?
There’s not a lot of special effects going on. A few practical,
prosthetic closeups during a couple transformations. But only one time did we
get a long POV for Julie as she transforms, and they used that weird glowing purple
swirling light effect that is very dated, and very 80s. Made the scene cheesier
than it should have been, especially when her final form was only seen from the
stomach up. I’m guessing they had the demon rolling around on some kind of
wheeled contraption and ran out of money before they could hide or disguise it
under a full demon body.
There were a couple of fight scenes with Mr. Moorhouse – one with
Juliedemon and one with the Black Roses on stage. The punch sound effect was
laughable; the weapons Moorhouse picked up to fight Julie were unintentionally
hilarious (a tennis racket, tennis ball, eventually stakes her with a broken table
leg). Then when he’s in the auditorium, he LITERALLY threw Julie (in human form)
into the audience, like it’s some kind of active mosh pit, before swinging his
fists or a giant gong mallet at Damian.
To be fair, the fight criticisms I have are also highly
enjoyable. Though I don’t think they meant to make those scenes funny, it’s
hard to believe that the writer wasn’t throwing in a little levity to break up
the dark direction in which a bunch of kids were spiraling.
For the good acting, you shouldn’t be surprised as there were
some familiar faces among the adults: Ken Swofford (tons of TV work, The Andromeda
Strain), Julie Adams (Creature from the Black Lagoon), John Martin
(tons of TV work). While the story does seem to center more on the kids and the
rock band, John (Mr. Moorhouse) carries the majority of this film. And he does
a wonderful job on those strong, broad shoulders...if only every school had one
of him. *rowr*
OMG, Mr. Moorhouse's mustache power is more than I can handle!
The kills were mostly quick or off screen. But the two Julie committed
were pretty fucking hard-core. She bashed her stepfather’s head in with a giant
ashtray (her stepdad played by Paul Kelman, he of My Bloody Valentine
fame); she murdered Mr. Moorhouse’s ex-girlfriend by sawing through her neck
with a hunting knife. We got nice and close and personal on that one.
I honestly think the writer did a decent job of establishing
characters. It’s easy to get pulled into how quickly the children turned on the
adults. Black Roses was only in town for two days before the shit hit the fan,
but since their demons, it made logical sense they wanted evil to spread
quickly. And I appreciated the speedy timeline so we don’t have to wait around
for the children to start changing. Mr. Moorhouse, who sees the kids every day,
figures out the truth long before anyone else, and you are just as easily frustrated
as he when he can’t get the Mayor to back him up.
I did enjoy the story. In Black Roses, there is LITERAL evil
spreading thought the town. It’s not a bunch of bible thumping white folk whose
panties have twisted in knots over PERCEIVED evil.
It’s like Footloose got fingered by The Devil’s
Advocate.
One of my favorite lines comes after the Juliedemon/Mr. Moorhouse
fight. He’s sitting on his kitchen floor, exhausted, the Juliedemon corpse next
to him. He simply breathes out, “Fuck”, to end the scene.
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mr. Moorhouse.
Unintentionally funny, but entertaining, little slice of 80s
horror.
3 hatchets (out of 5)
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Leslie Nielsen as Frank Drebin in Police Squad! (1982)
This Static Age’s spotlight
goes to Police Squad! (1982),
starring (the previously serious actor) Leslie Nielsen as the buffoon detective
Frank Drebin, assigned to several cases that he solves with plenty of weirdness.
This police procedure drama satire proved so popular that an entire film
franchise ensued (this will also be covered, in a future installment of A Binge too Far) and indeed the series
had me laughing so hard that my belly was hurting. ‘A Substantial Gift (The
Broken Promise)’ has Sally (Kathryn Leigh Scott) shooting two men dead at point
blank, but as she tells the police a different story, it is now up to Frank to
crack the case. ‘Ring of Fear’ (A Dangerous Assignment)’ directed by Joe Dante
finds Frank against wise guys that fix boxing games. ‘The Butler Did It (A Bird
in the Hand)’ is about a mysterious kidnapping. ‘Revenge and Remorse (The
Guilty Alibi)’ is about a series of bombings. ‘Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror
in the Neighborhood)’ is about a crime organization that is bullying small
business owners. ‘Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don’t Laugh)’ directed by Joe
Dante and starring Dick Miller finds Drebin trying to tackle a drug-pushing
operation.
And now, let’s switch our focus towards some recent series…
Penny Dreadful - Season 2
The 2st season of Penny
Dreadful (2014 – 2016) provides us with further adventures of the
supernatural kind for the dark team that consists of explorer Sir Malcolm
Murray (Timothy Dalton), gun expert Ethan Chandler (the show’s American casting
touch Josh Hartnett), Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Harry Treadaway), and medium
Vanessa Ives (Eva Green). Aside from the eerie material (however chaotic the
mix-up of so many legendary characters), the series also provide some very
interesting thoughts on homosexuality and acceptance, as well as feminism and
religion. In particular, the mid-season romance arc between Dorian Grey (Reeve
Carney) and beautiful transvestite Angelique (Jonny Beauchamp) is a bold queer
statement in itself. Featuring imagery so disturbing that in the 1980s wouldn’t
attract the star cast that it did nowadays, this proves how much times have
changed and it comes highly recommended.
The 3rd season of Fargo
(2014 – present), created by Noah Hawley, is about two brothers (both played by
this installment’s star Ewan McGregor), one a rich businessman and the other a
poor parole officer in love with a gorgeous hooker (Mary Elizabeth Winstead),
they both get involved with the wrong people and have to deal with local
organized crime’s goons. What we get once again is Cohen brothers aesthetics in
the snow and a perfect blend of grimness and humor (very David Lynch-like).
Some subplots seem to be going nowhere (one could only get away with such
ambiguities in post-2000 television), yet they are all somewhat connected.
The 2nd season of Marvel’s Luke Cage (2016 – 2018) finds the titular superhero (Mike Colter)
enjoying the acceptance of the Black community that he gained the last time
around, going as far as having his own app, and occasionally roughing up bad
guys in Harlem that has become really easy on him. That is until he finds his
equal in the form of Bushmaster (Mustafa Shakir), a villain so ruthless that he goes as far as to behead his enemies. This
final season suffers from a slow start, but it picks up later when it becomes a
gang war epic.
And now, please allow me to speak a word or two about a recent
mainstream film…
Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)
Warner Bros.’ Godzilla vs. Kong
(2021) directed by Adam Wingard finds the two titular mega-monsters fighting
against each other due to a conspiracy generated by an evil corporation, but as
the battle ensues several more monsters enter the picture, and believe me, this
is a big picture; made on an estimated $200 million budget this could be
nothing less. A spectacle like no other with breathtaking action scenes and
spectacular CGI, it succeeds because it also respectful of the spirit of Toho’s
kaiju classics. Do not miss it.
And finally, I enriched my bookshelf with the following additions:
Sheridan Le Fanu’s influential lesbian vampire classic Carmilla (1872); Thomas De Quincey’s intense drugs and philosophy
apotheosis Confessions of an English
Opium-Eater and Other Writings (2013, Oxford University Press); and Matt
Ruff’s excellent road story of real and unreal terrors Lovecraft Country (2018, Picador).
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Well, I guess it’s only proper that I get back to finding total
crap to review for you all. But I’m not sure if I found it. I’m very conflicted
about this next movie.
The Playgirls and the Vampire is a smashing film about five
showgirls, their manager, and piano player who get stranded on the backroads
during a storm on their way to the next gig. They can’t turn around and go back
to their old hotel – not paying your bill can get you in suds with the owners, right?
So it’s only logical to ignore the sound advice of a local and take the road
that leads to the foreboding castle off in the hills, having to drive over a
rickety-ass bridge to get there, too. The people in the castle will just have
to let them stay the night, if not longer.
I guess uninvited guests make the rules for individual homeowners…
They arrive at a locked gate but one of the girls, Vera, instinctively
knows to try a little side gate that opens for them. Hmm. That’s curious. Oh
well. Good for us, right ladies? They force their way into the castle (not
literally, but they don’t allow the groundskeeper to turn them away and the
housekeeper begrudgingly lets them inside).
The Count Gabor Kernassy wants to kick them out but once he sees
Vera, he immediately changes his mind and gives them shelter for the night. BUT
DON’T WANDER THE HALLS OR SNOOP INTO ANYTHING, MMMKAY?
You can probably guess how that’s gonna go.
After the Count creepily spies on Vera through her bedroom
window, they have a nice heart to heart chat. He’s drawn to her, and she to
him, and he must know more about here. BUT MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE FIRST THING IN THE
AM ‘CAUSE YOU IN DANGER.
The best laid plans to do just that aside, one of the girls is
found dead the following morning. She must have gone wandering (like she was
warned NOT to do), lost her footing, and fallen to her death. While the gardener
and housekeeper have a weird argument about burying her ASAP, the Count informs
them they can’t leave or call the authorities about the accident because the
bridge washed out in the rising river waters.
Now that they’re stuck at the castle, much to their manager’s frugal
delight, might as well rehearse for the next show. Vera is too upset and takes
a rest instead. And by rest, I mean she wanders around the castle where she
eventually discovers a portrait of a Kernassy ancestor. And she looks nearly
identical to Vera!
She and the Count have another heart to heart – about the
Kernassy family curse, how it ruined that ancestor, Margherita, blahdeeblah.
And despite his fear for her safety, the Count and Vera make out. She’s now
refreshed for some dance rehearsal.
*l’amour*
Don't move. There's a spider on the ceiling...
That night, Vera hears another creeper around her window and when
she investigates, she comes across the burial site of the former showgirl. And
guess what? It’s empty! WTF? The Count stares at her and when she calls out to
him, he Homer Simpson’s his way into some bushes and disappears. The next
morning she seeks out the Count to demand an explanation and discovers his
secret laboratory. While he’s gob smacked that she actually saw him last night,
he explains that during the day things are cool. But at night, she must lock
herself in her room and never come out, even if he calls to her from the other
side. She can’t trust anything or anyone at night!
You’re all asking ‘why’ right now, aren’t you? Don’t worry. We’re
getting to the exposition dump now.
Apparently, this Kernassy curse is born of blood – it drives the
family line into darkness, into vampirism. Vera’s friend was murdered, so he
dug up her body. He’s been conducting experiments to rid his family of this
awful affliction so no one else will get hurt. BUT DON’T TELL ANYONE, MMMKAY?
It’s our little secret.
Finally, the river waters subside and another bridge is available
so the ladies and gentlemen can get the hell out of dodge in the morning. Which
is good because the murdered showgirl showed up in the manager’s room last
night and freaked him the fuck out. While everyone thinks he had a nightmare,
Vera experiences a little freaky-deaky evening herself.
Someone who looks exactly like the Count attacks her – as a
vampire! But she finds herself in bed, the housekeeper explaining she was
feverish all night. It was all just a nightmare. After you rest, you can leave.
Once packed, Vera runs into the count and, naturally, the nightmare resurfaces
and she runs away from him.
Only to run into him again on the other side of the castle. But
this count is pale, and has fangs, and IS A VAMPIRE! Ooooh, that’s not the
count. It’s his ancestor who is a vampire. He’s the one who attacked and killed
the other showgirl because he thought she was Vera (she was wearing Vera’s coat
at the time). Seems Vera looks like his long-dead wife, so he plans to make HER
a vampire and be with him forever.
Make sense?
The Count just can’t kill the guy. That’s why he’s been
working on finding a cure for the Kernassy Kurse ™. Unfortunately, the other
guy wants none of that and they fight to the death. The Count defeats his
ancestor, surprisingly, and now there’s nothing keeping him tied to the crumbly
old castle. He can tie up a few loose ends and meet up with Vera where they can
be together.
*aaand scene*
Mourning underwear is just that - UNDERwear, you trollop.
While I can’t say this is a good film, I can’t definitively say
it’s bad, either. It had a bit of both worlds going on so it came out somewhere
in the *shrug* category.
I have to admit, the opening shot of the film is gorgeous. It’s
simple – a slow pan from a small high window, where light is streaming through,
down through an underground crypt and settling on a tomb. Suddenly, the lid
slides back a bit, then a bit more, until a hand slowly reaches out and feels
its way over the stone. If the film were in color, that opening sequence would
have been more lackluster. I can’t explain why, but that’s just what I think.
The music is fantastic, but it strangely doesn’t fit the movie.
Where you’d think there should be more subtle tones, it blares out. Where it
should be sweeping and dramatic, the music seems more fitting for a Keystone
Cops chase scene. It’s very odd.
There is enough character development for the viewer to become
somewhat invested in what they do, or what happens to them. But mostly I didn’t
really care, because the majority of the characters are supposed to be shallow
or buffoonish. We understand the showgirl victim is vain and rather
superficial, but then we don’t care that she’s murdered. The manager is a cheap-ass
bumbling idiot, so when he’s in danger, we just yawn and wait for the conflict
to end.
Does that make sense?
It was also pretty obvious that the reason the characters are
showgirls is for, at some point, the women to dance around and strip – which is
exactly what happens a little before the halfway point. I’m not sure where they
got the girl to do the solo strip but she had to have been blackmailing someone
in the production. It was the most lackadaisical, boring, non-sexy strip tease
I’ve ever seen. Not that I have a ton of experience in that department, but I
appreciate the female figure and am not offended by nudity or titillation. I
just felt a bit awkward, and mostly bored, during this scene.
I did appreciate the chemistry between the Count and Vera, as
conflicted as it was (the Count kept warning Vera away because his family sucks
but they just can’t stop making out). Walter Brandi was the superior actor to
Lyla Rocco. I’m sure the English dubbing didn’t help her, but she kept looking
off screen as she spoke, like she was reading cue cards or something.
Quite a bit of predictability with the characters and the story –
EXCEPT for the twist at the end, with the vampire reveal. I honestly didn’t see
that coming and it was quite refreshing to be surprised. Again, Walter Brandi
played both parts well so you could feel the two different characters, not just
one guy switching suits. Unfortunately, when the vampire is killed, the ‘special
effects’ used for his decay and destruction are just awful. Very cartoonish,
and the transitions were choppy.
So overall, the film has ups and downs, good and bad. It’s not
great, but I ended up enjoying it more than I thought. I wouldn’t say it’s a
must-see film, but if you like vampires, Italians, and black and white movies
from the 60s, why not check it out?
2.5 hatchets (out of 5)
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I mean, I knew there were a lot of Star Wars rip off films. Can’t
really blame them. Gotta get those dolla dolla bills, y’all. But when they come
out with a completely jumbled train wreck, you have to wonder who was smoking
what when the project was greenlit. (Green lit? Green lighted? Greenlighted?
WHO THE FUCK APPROVED THIS BULLSHIT?)
SPOILERS AHOY – because I just cannot give a summary of
this film. You need to know the details before you go in on your own.
The 1979 sci-fantasy disaster known as Starcrash, tell us the
story of an outlaw smuggler, Han So…I mean, Stella Star and her alien companion,
Chew…uh, Akton. After witnessing Stella’s piloting prowess and the navigating
wunderkind partner, Akton, Princess L…shit, I mean the Emperor of the Galaxy (Christopher
MOTHER FUCKING Plummer – yeah, that’s right) recruits them for a top-secret
mission. The evil Darth…gods dammit. The evil Count Zarth Arn has created a new
weapon that could destroy the universe. The last Imperial mission failed to
find it, or the planet it’s hidden on (that’s no moon…). So Stella and Akton
must find both, destroy the weapon, and rescue the Emperor’s only son.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Where the hell is
Cap’n Mal and his merry band of smugglers?
Aside from the main Imperial ship, two shuttles escaped before it
crashed somewhere unknown. Stella, Akton, and their new partners, ELLE and
Chief Thor (both working for The Emp), begin to scour the galaxy for the remains
of any Imperial ships. But only Stella and ELLE actually do any of the leg
work.
The first pod they find yields nothing, except the opportunity to
be captured by the Amazon warrior women (who weren’t really all that Amazonian,
but okay). Their queen has a beef with The Emp, I think, and wants to kill
Stella and ELLE. Guilt by association, I suppose. She fails and it’s over, and
Stella and ELLE go back to their ship to keep looking for Imperial wreckage.
Wait, WHY THE HELL WERE THEY EVEN IN THIS? The Amazons served
absolutely no purpose. Oh, wait. It was just to show off the stop animation
effects of the Queen’s Goliath guardian – a giant silver, sword-wielding monstrosity
with bewbs. Got it.
Moving on.
The next search brings them to the icy planet of Hoth…I mean,
just some random inhospitable really, really cold planet. While Stella and ELLE
find only corpses, we find out Thor is a traitor and he tries to kill Akton,
and strand Stella and ELLE on the planet where everything freezes instantly the
moment the sun goes down. Fortunately for our heroes, Akton can see the future
so he already knew Thor was a dick. He thwarts his plan, saves his friends on
the surface, and they’re off again!
They find the crash site of the 2nd Imperial escape pod. After a
bunch of cavemen parkour their way on the scene, capturing Stella and plan to…I
don’t know, honestly. Luckily, we don’t have to find out because a golden
masked stranger saves her! It’s Simon, the sole survivor of the pod crash and attack
on the Imperial ship (I bet you can’t guess who this guy also is….it’s cool,
take a minute to think about it).
They also discover that Count Zarth Arn has hidden his weapon on
this very planet! How fortuitous for them. We’re so lucky, too, that Akton can
explain what every piece of machinery is/does as they walk through the facility.
Before they can destroy it, the Count shows up and tell us all
his evil plan – to trap the Emperor into coming to get his only son, Simon
(SURPRISE), and when he does, the Count will blow everything up, leaving the
galaxy open for the taking. Here, enjoy some more stop motion animation as my
robot guards make sure you stay put while I leave to go kill people. Though Akton
tries to kill the robots, his arm gets slashed at the last minute and he must
now accept his fate, which is to die (from a flesh wound?) and fade away.
Huh?
Spy vs. Spy, SciFi Division
Now, the Emperor doesn’t get to be the boss if he’s an idiot,
right? He wouldn’t show up without a plan. Nerds. He’s going to stop the flow
of time so they can escape – but they only get three minutes. So let’s keep
speechifying for a bit before we all skedaddle. The only thing left to do is
catch up to Zarth Arn’s ship (which looks like a giant clawed fist, I shit you
not) and destroy it before he can employ the weapon.
But we’re not powerful enough. How can we ever achieve our goal? Stop
whining, Simon. By piloting a floating city at him, you silly goose. It’s
called Starcrash (roll credits), a 4th dimensional attack. If they can reenter
space at just the right moment, the impact of surprise will be so overwhelming
that the Count can’t hold out.
Stella – use your awesome piloting skills; ELLE – you go with
her. Me and Simon will wait here on the Imperial ship while you do all the
work. Cool? Cool. So Stella points the floating city, loaded down with explosives,
toward the Count’s ship. She and ELLE fly out the window at the last second and
space swim back to the Imperial ship.
And this actually works. The evil Count has been defeated, and
the galaxy saved.
Fuck right the fuck off, you pack of liars.
The blatant Star Wars rip off aside (sure, sure, it could all be
a coincidence, as Cozzi insists Starcrash was written and designed BEFORE Star
Wars premiered, sure, sure, and the laser sword Akton wields is absolutely not
a light saber), this is a ridiculous movie. As a buddy of mine put it, “it’s an
entertaining mess.” Yes, as bad as it is, it definitely has some entertainment
value.
Let me break down the bad first, though. The acting, while you
might expect better, is total shit. It could be because the overdubbing was so
completely awful. I know this was filmed in Italy, directed by no other than
Luigi Cozzi, so you know there were non-English speakers in here. But even the
folks we know speak English (Caroline Munroe, Marjoe Gortner, David Hasselhoff,
Joe Spinelli), it looks like they’re saying something completely alien as the
words and the lip movements absolutely do not synch.
I’m not sure if it’s cheaper to redub in post instead of having
top notch audio during the actual filming. You folks out there who are reading
this and make movies/made movies, clue a girl in. Because I just don’t
understand why this is so shitty.
Oooh! Who goosed me?
The special effects are…certainly special. And by that I mean
they took the short bus to the studio. Granted, this was 1979 and sorely
lacking the sophistication of today’s computer programs. I’m also going out on
a limb to say the budget here was sub-basement level compared to George Lucas (a
paltry $4 million compared to $11 million). But when you watch this AFTER Star
Wars, you definitely feel let down by the effects. I mean, the laser guns
actually make “pew pew” noises.
And that’s just the space scenes.
The stop motion technique, used for the Count’s metal guards and
the Amazon Queen’s giant, was definitely not unique to this film (early, early
development has been around since the 1800s). But the incorporation of the live
actors, with some major discrepancies in colors and clarity between the two,
proved a stumbling block to believability.
Pretty much this whole film looked like Star Wars and Clash of
the Titans spent the weekend going speedballs together before giving birth to
Starcrash.
The other drawback is the pacing. It drags a lot through the film
because it’s overstuffed with too many fight scenes, getting captured, space ‘scenery’,
meeting races/aliens that don’t serve the story, a lot of exposition dumps, and
several characters that explain everything that’s going on. This could have
been a 60-minute film instead of 90.
All of that makes this a terrible movie. HOWEVER, because there
are some things that are just fun or funny, it makes the move watchable. Maybe
not more than once, but you should be able to get through it for these few
aspects:
1.Christopher MOTHER FUCKING Plummer. He is the
exception to every rule here. The man didn’t need this gig; the man was not desperate
for funds or work. In an interview, he said he only took the job because he
could travel to Italy for free, but that didn’t make his performance any less spectacular.
He fills every role he takes on with grace, dignity, and commanding presence.
Even the cheesy speech the Emperor gives at the very end, as he breaks the 4th
wall a couple times, gave me goosebumps. His limited screen time is everything
right and good with the world.
How YOU doin?
2.Though all the overdubbing makes its difficult
to get a good feel for each character, Joe Spinelli and Marjoe Gortner as the
Evil Count and Akton, respectively, bring manic life to their parts. Its too
bad the film was overdubbed because I would have loved to hear their natural
voices shout out their lines.
3.John Barry wrote, arranged, and conducted the
original music used in the film. If someone with Barry’s talent doesn’t give
this movie some street cred, I’m not sure what else would. Besides Christopher
MOTHER FUCKING Plummer. The crappy story and effects do not drag John down; he
lifts the movie up to a level it doesn’t deserve. So if you enjoy original soundtrack
music, you’ll dig this.
4.There was one scene where I literally had to pause
the film to make sure I didn’t miss anything while I laughed for a full minute.
When the Imperial soldiers go to fight Count Zarth Arn’s army, they launch
themselves across open space in gold torpedoes, which bust through the enemy
ship’s windows and bounce across the floor, before popping open to
deliver the Imperial troops (about 2 men per capsule). I’m not kidding. THAT
was their delivery system. If you don't believe me, just watch the trailer below.
While these few things do make the experience of Starcrash somewhat
enjoyable, and allows us to sit back in awe of the craptacular disaster as it
unfolds, I can’t say you should run right out and find it. If you come across
it, sure! Give it a watch. You’ll have some fun. Then you can tuck the experience
away in your sock drawer and move on to bigger and better things.
2 hatchets (out of 5) – 1 full hatchet just for Christopher
MOTHER FUCKING Plummer alone.
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I just wrote up a movie review for my website, comparing the
OG and remake of The Wicker Man. But I honestly need to review this film for
CHC. I watched it two days ago and I can’t get it out of my head!
(WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)
The Sentinel is about highly successful fashion model,
Alison. She’s been living with her boyfriend, Michael, for a while now. But
with her father’s death, and just wanting to prove she can “do it on her own”,
she needs to get her own apartment. She finds the perfect place – fully furnished
and at a cheap price. But after moving in, her bizarre neighbors act
inappropriately and make tons of noise, preventing Alison from getting any
sleep. That and the horrifying visions she’s having of her dead father as well
as her past suicide attempts, are putting her on a very sharp edge. When she
complains to the landlady, Alison is told that the only other occupant in the
apartment building is a blind priest on the top floor.
Um, what?
As Michael helps her probe into the mystery, Detective Gatz
is also investigating. Gatz worked on Michael’s late wife’s “accident” years
prior, and doesn’t trust Michael as far as he can throw him, especially when
some old business associates of his turn up dead. After Alison is found covered
in blood, claiming to have stabbed her dead father, Gatz starts digging. The
neighbors Alison has described are actually all former criminals. As in DEAD
criminals.
Um, what?
As Alison turns back to the church for moral and emotional
support, Michael does more digging on the blind priest upstairs. The answer to
the mystery becomes quite clear: the apartment building houses the gate to
Hell. The church has installed a guardian, or sentinel, to watch over it and
make sure the damned cannot escape. Alison is the next in line to take over as
sentry. That is if she can resist the tortures, torments, and temptations of
the damned who want her to join them, leaving the gate unguarded. Can she
resist? Will she take her place and keep the world safe from Hell?
Has anyone seen my keys?
Holy crap, what a ride.
For some reason, I kept mixing this movie up with The Keep,
which I saw years ago. Then after reading the description for The Sentinel, I
realized I never watched it before. And just looking at the cast, I jumped on
this faster than a crack whore on a free rock.
Some people only had a scene or two, maybe a couple of
lines, but just check out these names: Chris Sarandon, Eli Wallach, Christopher
Walken, Jeff Goldbloom, Burgess Meredith, John Carradine, Jose Ferrer, Ava
Gardner, Beverly D’Angelo, Jerry Orbach…and the list goes on! I don’t think I’ve
ever seen this big a collection of talent – old school and new – all in one
movie. Burgess is absolute unsettling perfection; Eli Wallach proves a great
smart-ass, determined cop; Beverly D’Angelo comes off (no pun intended – watch the
movie, you’ll know what I mean) creepy af and she doesn’t speak once.
I loved the apartment building itself. Looks like an old
mansion/estate that was converted into apartments. The dark wood, oriental
rugs, brick exterior almost felt like a character in its own right. It reminded
my of where I used to live in Chicago years ago, and I imagine all major cities
have buildings like this one. It felt homey, but claustrophobic at the same
time. But every location worked well, from Alison’s photo shoots, to her family’s
home, and the city scenes. Even being shot in the 70s, which left the print
with that grittier look, and the dated fashions of the time, didn’t pull me out
or distract me from the action.
Before Grumpy Cat, there was Jezebel.
I loved the story. You could have picked this film up and
plopped it down in any decade and it would still work. Based on the novel by
Jeffrey Convitz, I love the idea that Hell is *RIGHT THERE* and sometimes there’s
only a gauze of a barrier to keep the damned out of our world. Though I am a
bit confused how the blind priest’s mere presence keeps the gate closed, but
since he was old and dying, I think that’s why the souls were acting up once
Alison arrived. However, I shouldn’t have counted him out because his actions
right at the end of the film are what saved the world, and Alison.
The finale reminded me a lot of 1932’s Freaks. Apparently
the casting assistants combed several carnivals and freak shows to find people
to play the majority of the damned souls that squeaked out of Hell to overwhelm
Alison. Not to disparage anyone with any kind of genetic malformation or
disorder, but some of the people they found were absolutely terrifying to look
at.
Despite a little pacing issue (it does drag a smidge in the
middle), this is a great film and deserves as much love as we can throw at it.
4.5 hatchets (out of
5)
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