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May 31, 2012

Movie Review: Deadly Weapons (1973)

by David Hayes

Please, help me. This is not for the squeamish, or the easily offended. Or for those of us who need dwarf-porn to be sickened, for that matter. This film stars the incomparable Chesty Morgan. That name, and that image, is burned into my mind forever. You see, Ms. Morgan's breasts are freakish fleshbags. She tops out at a 73 EEE, although the rest of her body is "normal." Normal meaning: very skinny legs, a lazy eye and bad dental work. As you might have surmised, being the bright, literate readers that you are, Chesty's boobs are the title characters. Before I relate to you the "story" of this "movie," lets look at Chesty. Imagine the cold, windswept hills of Poland. It is around 1943 and Hitler had devastated your community. But look, there… a child is born.

Buy Deadly Weapons on DVD

A child of light and goodness that will abolish the evil and bring joy and happiness to lives that are stuck in interminable grayness. That child is Lillian Wilczkowsky (what the… ?)! Everything is fine, happiness will come to Poland, until the Cosmic Committee intervenes and decided that saviors can only have a first name, no surnames, although "the" is an appropriate middle name spanning the first name and location and/or title (Section 42-B, Cosmic Code of Saviors and Mortal Children of Deities). Lillian promptly changes her name to Zsa Zsa, grows breasts the size of Gary Coleman, and works burlesque houses eventually winding her way to Israel. She is discovered in America by soft-core porn/bad movie director Doris Wishman. The only natural product of these two bastions of creative energy is: Deadly Weapons.

Chesty plays poor Crystal, a highly successful advertising professional that just happens to be in love with a mobster. This mobster, in-between bouts of fondling Crystal's abnormally large skin pods, has upset the mob boss and is killed. Well, that angers Crystal to no end, but you can't really tell. Chesty has two looks: bored and asleep. Crystal vows revenge and tracks the evil guys that did it to Las Vegas and Miami (including the feature film debut of porn star Harry Reems). She becomes a stripper to get their attention and then she does stuff that… OK, suffice it to say that she finds them, takes off her shirt and smothers them with those… those things.

Luckily for us, Chesty's Polish accent is too thick. We might have had to hear her speak but the lines were dubbed-in by a talking Elmo doll, I think. Chesty and Doris collaborated for the next film, Double Agent 73 (1974). Don't you get it? Her boobs… they're the same size as her agent number and since there are two of them, she's a double agent! COMEDY! Good God.

Here in the office, we had a "Kill a Mobster Like Chesty" Contest. You see, in the film Chesty would drug her victims then take a few paces back. She would roll her eyes back in her head, raise her arms and slowly descend on the incapacitated bad guy. Smothering the life from his dirty soul with her dirty pillows. Well, Ken Gorman, copy editor par excellence had the best "Kill a Mobster Like Chesty" imitation. He won two potato sacks staple-gunned to his chest and got to go home for the rest of the day. By some quirky twist of fate, if you would like a copy of Chesty's command performances, just click on the handy Amazon link above.

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