Apparently someone at CHC wanted me to be surprised and delighted with the next film in the DVD stack as it had no writing on it. Kind of like one of those grab bags you get at the Dollar store - could be toys, could be housewares, could be a pile of dog shit for all you know.
Guess which one I got?
Island of the Cannibal Death Gods (are you FUCKING kidding me right now? Gods damn you, Hayes) is the story of David, Steve, and Derek (celebrity, his agent, and brother-in-law respectively) who decide to charter a fishing boat for a nice weekend away. Seems Dave fucked up (literally - he cheated on his wife) and the press are getting all up in his business 24/7.
So they hook up with Captain Robin Murphy (a female captain who’s tough and independent? How unique and unexpected.) and tootle around some tiny islands while the Captain entices the men with local pirate legends, hidden treasures, and stories of cannibals! Before they can decide whether they want to go hunting for buried treasure, they come across an abandoned boat. While searching for survivors they’re picked off one by one. Could it be the cannibals Captain Murphy was talking about? Will they stop bickering long enough to survive this threat? Do any of us fucking care?
All together now. One…two…three….NO!
Let’s cover everything wrong with this film.
- Sound: very uneven; mismatched vocals; the generic ‘realistic punch’ sound effect made the fight scenes even more pathetic.
- Visuals: I’m guessing it was the low budget but it basically looked like someone grabbed a camcorder and started filming; lots of shaking and unsteady work - I actually got a little motion sick from it; the ridiculous ‘cannibal cam’.
- Characters: dear lord there was no one to get behind; cliche bad guys; douchebag and extremely WHINY main characters.
- Acting: lackluster and awkward; the cannibals themselves were utterly ridiculous (especially considering their zebra loin cloths - pretty sure there are no wild zebras in Florida - and their awkward tribal dancing).
- Story: unoriginal; predictable; pacing was very slow; death right out of the gate but then it took FOREVER for the next one; lots of exposition dumps.
Okay now the few things right with this movie:
- Florence LeMerle as Robin Murphy. She was the best actor in the bunch. I enjoyed her screen time immensely and the scene where she’s telling a story to the guys and screams at them, like a jump scare while telling a ghost story around a campfire, was awesome. I got a good laugh at that.
- The ‘twist’ ending: while the actual plot twist has been done dozens of times, the reveal of it was HILARIOUS!
- Effects: you don’t really see much in the way of kills (most are done off screen), the few we see include awesome practical effects. I’m so glad they didn’t do any of that CGI bullshit. The dangling eye was my particular favorite.
So as you can see, the good does not outweigh the bad in this flick. While there are parts that were enjoyable, the overall quality is just awful and really not worth your time.
1 hatchet (out of 5)