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April 29, 2016

Movie Review: The Horde (2016)

While I await my next CHC box of tripe…I mean, care package, Jeff was kind enough to send me a few on-line screeners to occupy my time. I wish I had been able to watch this one before the Motor City Nightmares convention because I would have been able to talk to Costas Mandylor about his role.

Or, you know, just stand in front of him giggling like a 13 year old virgin.

313 Films offers us The Horde, a happy little film about a horde (duh) of mutant cannibals being bossed around by a trio of psychopathic escaped convicts, led by Cylas (Mandylor). They attack people who decide to camp out in ‘their’ woods and the current targets are a class of photography students (their names aren’t important), their teacher, Selina, and her ex-Navy Seal fiancé, John.

The boys are taken as ‘meat’ and the girls, as they are ‘breeders’, get the privilege of NOT being sent to the butcher but instead nailed down or chained up to be available for nookies with the inbred mutated members of this group. Too bad nobody could kill John because he rides in to the rescue and pretty much kicks everyone's ass.

Oh, did I spoil it for you?

Didn’t think so.

Why yes, my mother IS a diseased oak tree. How did you know?

While this is not a great film, or even all that good, it does have a lot of enjoyable moments: Cylas’ first appearance; the kills/tortures; the fight scenes are good (which they should be considering Paul Logan, who plays John, is a martial artist); and the ending is pretty epic. 

The look of the film is clean and professional. A lot of the scenes happen at night or in the dark but I could still see everything. The sound was clear. I never felt I had to increase the volume to hear dialogue then worry about my ears bleeding when the sound effects kicked in.

Costas and Bill Moseley are pretty much the only good actors in this whole film. I literally shouted ‘yay’ at Bill’s first appearance. Okay maybe the sheriff, too (Nestor Serrano). Otherwise, it feels like amateur hour all over the place. The characters, particularly the students, are so cliche and stereotypical: horny couple, douche bag rich kid, socially awkward, and the fiancé of an ex-Navy Seal who doesn’t like guns. By the end of the film I’m pretty fucking sure she wished she let him bring his weapon along.

How DARE you insult my cooking!

The story wasn’t particularly original either. The whole thing felt like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the Hills Have Eyes started a band but ended up having sex backstage at Studio 54 and dumped the resulting script in a home for lackadaisical writers. Cannibal backwoods mutants? Vague warning from unknown passerby? Local skeevy assholes? The former military boyfriend who uses his soldier skills to save the day?


Costas is reason enough to tune in. He’s a great bad guy, though I wish he had a bit more screen time. The fight scenes and kills are worth sticking around for - they are a lot of fun to watch. So even though there is an overall lackluster cloud surrounding the movie, it remains interesting enough to enjoy. Maybe wear a gas mask while you watch.

2 Hatchets (out of 5)

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