The Powers That Be over at CHC must be slipping because this double feature DVD offered movies that actually weren’t that bad. I mean, I kind of liked them. I don’t think I know how to live right now…
The first film is Dead & Rotting. Three prankster buddies (read: douche nozzles) get a little hex put on them when they beat up the son, Pox, of a local witch, Abigail, after he eggs one of their trucks. Since they have the combined mentality of one 12 year old boy, they feel the need to retaliate. When the stoners they hire to break into the witch’s home end up BOILING HER FUCKING CAT (what the hell is wrong with these guys?), the three amigos end up with something a little more problematic on their hands than a simple hex. They incur the wrath of a very powerful sorceress who is about to seriously fuck their shit up but good.
Abigail performs a glamour spell to turn herself into a beautiful, young, big-tittied woman (Debbie Rochon) who seduces the three men in order to…well…let’s just say the unprotected sex between all of them gets her some fluids she needs to birth out ghouls. PLEASE DON’T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS.
(Side note: they’re all excited about having unprotected sex with some random chick who’s willing to fuck all of them in one night. Is that really a thing? Men are so stupid sometimes.)
Though there is a lot of bad going on in this film (acting, dialogue, cliched character and story elements) I actually ended up liking it. No, it’s not something I’d ever purchase or give as a gift but I didn’t feel like the 90 minutes I spent watching this was a complete waste.
When Abigail’s son is killed I almost started crying for her. Almost. But the fact this movie evoked any kind of emotional response says something to Barbara Katz-Norrod’s acting abilities. The practical effects were gruesome in the most fun way possible. The CGI was a little crap though. It really wasn't any one thing that made this enjoyable - it was just an overall feel and look to the film that sucked me in.
2.5 Hatchets (out of 5)
The second offering was Stitches, another evil sorceress story but less modern. It opens with a demon putting on a skin suit of one of her many victims to take on the appearance of Ms Lucy Albright, a single older woman. She arrives for a stay at a boarding house during what looks like the 1920s. The other tenants and the owner look like they’ll provide Lucy with some tasty souls.
She works her way through the household, playing people off one another, catering to their greed or licentious ways, until she basically has all the skin suits she could want. Her creepy little spy, a crumpled piece of paper with a face that links to her through a mirror, gets her all the intel she ever needs to destroy everyone and everything, collecting their souls for her Master.
Holy shit this was a fun movie. I loved almost everything about it. Some of the acting was a bit crap (a few people either under or over acted which made their characters feel a bit off balanced) but otherwise I was impressed. Elizabeth Ince (Lucy) was my favorite and I hoped for her to succeed in getting everyone. I also adored Robert Donovan who played Sam, one of the other tenants, not just for his acting but I though he was HOT. Hey, I don’t care how old he is…(looks like he’s done some soft core work, too. *rowr*)
While the core story isn’t all that original, the methods and tools and spells Lucy uses are kind of cool. That crumpled paper thing was creepy as fuck as were the paper dolls with the trapped souls all moaning in her Memory Book. Her skin suit wardrobe was quite impressive!
Unfortunately, more CGI was used in this film and it looked terrible. And at the end when the paper dolls are attacking a few people it becomes more comedic than frightening. But aside from those couple things, this movie was fun and very enjoyable.
3.5 Hatchets (out of 5)