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December 26, 2010

Hollywood Roadkill: The Ghost of Christmas Failure

Ah, the holidays. They bring out the best in people and the worst in movies. Think about all the horse shit you've seen across your basic cable listings this month. Sure, you get a few classics, but you also get to see Jim Carrey in a Grinch suit. Not good. You might think that's the worst of the worst, but I decided to dig up a few things we never got to see.

 Santo Claus

After our Luchador hero is challenged to a match by the one and only St. Nick, Santo defeats the jolly toy maker. Once Santo removes Santa's hat, he must wear it and take over the role of Christmas delivery man for the holidays. Good boys and girls receive presents, while those on the naughty list get a ho-ho-horrible ass whooping from Santo and his midget wrestler elves.

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Very White Christmas: A KKK Holiday

This 1940s white supremacist propaganda film was set to be a hillbilly's Christmas dream. Complete with a neo-Nazi Santa Claus and eight tiny anti-Semitic reindeer, this film never saw the light of day. Though it would have been interesting cult fodder, I think we're all better off to not have this in the basic cable holiday rotation.

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Ditka the Halls

After their 1985 championship season, every Chicago Bear had an endorsement deal of some sort. In the flurry of excitement, our mustachioed hero, Mike Ditka, was set to star in a holiday film of epic proportions. Imagine being visited in the middle of the night by the ghost of Papa Bear George Halas and being led into Ditka football past, where you'd see Iron Mike's infamous tackle of a drunken streaker. You'd visit Ditka present to see the Dick Cheney-esque Buddy Ryan whipping his defense into shape. Next would be Ditka future, in which you'd see Da Coach shaking a defeated Jim Harbaugh by his facemask and a poor draft decision in Ricky Williams. Finally, Ditka would awake on Christmas morning to repent and make sure that Chicago would never see the likes of Dave Wannstedt and Dick Jauron. Hey, a Bears fan can dream, right?

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