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June 5, 2015

Movie Review: Zombeavers (2014)

My goodness it’s been almost two months since I’ve visited with you crazy people. Please forgive my absence. In order to make it up to you, I offer you the following review of the most boring horror comedy I’ve ever seen. It’s sure to be filled with snark and sarcasm, just the way you freaks like it.

Zombeavers (I blame Sharknado for the proliferation of combo titles like this crap) begins with two halfwits driving an OPEN BED TRUCK filled with barrels of toxic waste. After failing to master even the most basic of driving skills, the driver plows into a deer. One barrel escapes and falls into a local river, ending its adventure at a beaver dam where it promptly busts open and splooges green liquid everywhere.

Fast forward however many days and our three heroines, Mary, Zoe, and Jen, are having a girls’ weekend in the country because Jen’s boyfriend can’t keep his dick to himself. Unfortunately, the weekend takes a different turn when all the boyfriends show up: Tommy, Buck, and Sam.

At this point, though, I’m curious as to how any of these people have friends beyond their own mirrors. They are all terrible people.

Doesn’t matter because the local beaver population has turned into zombies and attack. And they aren’t just mindless undead creatures. They are smart little castor candadensi. They cut the power and the phone lines! And you want to know the most fucked up thing of all? If you’re bitten, but don’t die, you turn into a zombeaver!


Who lives? Who dies? Do we ever find out who Sam cheated with to break Jen’s heart? Do we fucking care?

No. No we don’t.

I don’t understand this movie. I thought comedies were supposed to be funny. This didn’t even come close. It didn’t even graze funny. It drove past the neighborhood funny lives in  on its way to go pick up pizza and beer for the captain of the football team after doing the popular girl’s homework. The writing in general is horrible and the attempts at humor were limp at best. And the whole idea of victims turning into the creature that bites them was done SOOO much better in the film Mulberry Street.

The characters are clearly there just to become victims. Oversexed toothpick sized girls; sleazy oversexed boyfriends; slightly annoying but don’t learn anything about them neighbors. The one exception was a local named Smyth. He tickled me from time to time and I love the actor who played him (Rex Linn).

I said occupado, dammit!

The one thing I am happy about is that they decided to NOT go with CGI for the undead beavers. Nothing ruins a terrible movie more than shitty computer graphics so at least they kept one aspect of awesome by having crew members run around with their fists up beaver bottoms. The bloopers were pretty fun, too. You don’t even have to go into a special menu or anything. They just pop up before the end credits roll. It’s the lazy man’s bloopers.

The movie is only 77 minutes long so at least you won’t be wasting too much of your time by watching it. But why do that when you can gorge at an all you can eat buffet with questionable looking chicken stir fry and become bff’s with your newfound food borne illness?

1 Hatchet (out of 5)

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