Since one of the films I’m covering today is a short, let’s make this a double review, shall we? You’re welcome. Though after reading the second review, you may die a little inside.
This short film is a nice little slice of revenge exploitation. I’m not saying it’s superior to most that are already out there but only using up 25 minutes AND still getting me to care about the characters is a pretty neat trick.
Joe is a retiring dentist. He’s not all that thrilled at the reality but seems he can’t do much about it. He and his nephew, Spencer, are really close and share a love of guns. I think it’s implied that they share a lot more and have a great relationship but the guns are the main focus here. One night, Spencer is jumped, mugged, beaten, and left for dead. As he lies in a hospital bed, comatose, Joe whispers a promise to him - “They’re all gonna pay.”
And so Joe starts a new job of taking down criminals, vigilante style!
It’s a simple, basic story but this short delivers it with believability. The acting isn’t superb but it is miles above most of the crap I watch. Even if you’re not old enough to retire, or don’t have anyone to avenge in your life, you can still sympathize with Joe. He’s a man with little control over the course of his life until he finds new purpose in vengeance. Spencer is just the every-man, nice guy we’ve all known at some point and seriously doesn’t deserve what happens to him. I even love the character who sold the .30 caliber Browning machine gun to Joe. He’s only in the one scene that lasts perhaps 60 seconds but he’s a got a great vibe to him and seems, even without explanation from Joe, to understand Joe’s mission and is happy to help him achieve it.
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| Get off my lawn, you whippersnappers! |
The look of the short has a slight grainy effect which lends to the exploitation feel. Though the climactic shoot ‘em up scene is a bit of a “what the fuck” (sometimes we don’t need any exposition, it’s just nice to revel in the surreal), you’re right there with Joe and cheering him on!
For a short film filled with unknowns (to me anyway), I was highly impressed with the quality, story, action, acting, and character development.
3.5 hatchets (out of 5)
💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
For my next review, I bring you something from Chemical Burn EntertainmentOH, FUCK! MY! LIFE! Hayes, I swear to the gods and all that is holy and sacred, I will get you for this. Everyone you’ve ever loved should live in fear of my wrath...
Skin Eating Jungle Vampires tells the story of the Clitorians, a master race of women (and a few men) who escape catastrophe on their world and must find a new home. They crash-land inside a volcano on Earth and become trapped there. They must feed on human flesh and blood (not just skin so...what’s up with that title?) to remain young until a planetary alignment is perfect, they make a blood sacrifice to their dark god, and can then be freed to rule the universe as is their right.
And behold! That planetary alignment is nigh and the vampires decide to sacrifice Tiffany, a young woman, inappropriately dressed for the Costa Rican jungle, who has an almost telepathic link to her sister, Carla, who dreams about Tiffany’s predicament and decides to find her before it’s too late.
I think that covers the basics. I don’t want to go much deeper because I’ve already thrown up twice while typing this.
There’s so much wrong with this movie I hardly know where to begin. This is filled with probably THE worst acting I’ve seen in a long time. My guess is the women hired are either strippers, in porn, possibly both. I can’t find any information on any of them but with names like Soozee and Violet Sweet, and an Associate Producer named Di Di Delicious, it’s not too big of a stretch of the imagination. One of them has to know belly dancing because the Queen Clitorian (Persephone - that’s her real name, not the name of the Queen Clit) looked like she had some costume elements of the dance AND there’s a lot of doumbek music and drums scattered throughout.
The legendary Mr. Creepo (Tim Swartz, also wrote the screenplay) actually ‘presents’ the film and plays the last surviving male Clitorian. I’m not sure if he’s a legend in the shit-show horror film world or just his own mind but dear lord he sucks. He and the woman who plays Carla have the worst voice over/narration skills I’ve ever heard.
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| LALALALA...We can't hear you. This is NOT a pile of shit movie. LALALALALA! |
The entire film looks like it’s been shot through a fish bowl and there’s so much stock footage of Costa Rican wildlife, this could have qualified as a documentary on National Geographic. The sound isn’t much better, though as this is categorized as a sexplotation film on the Chemical Burn website, that could explain the look, feel, and audio. I’m not saying it excuses it, but it could explain it.
The writing, story, character development, continuity (Helen Back in charge of that, btw, uh huh, yep), costumes, f/x, pretty much everything is terrible. The little stabs at humor in the dialogue only show that the writer tried too hard. I know this is a low budget film so I don’t expect much in the way of props or special effects. But when everything sucks like a $2 whore, the whole film feels tainted and I just want to shower then volunteer at a hospital where they need people to cradle and caress crack babies so they can experience some gentle human interaction while they detox.
Gratuitous titties and lesbian make out sessions, poor writing, bad acting, terrible production, and awful direction. Please do not watch this film.
5 middle fingers to the eye (out of 5)
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