Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Glitch (Netflix, 2016)

Kevin discusses the supernatural Netflix series from Australia.

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Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Super Mansion: War on Christmas (Crackle, 2016)

Kevin reviews the Christmas special from a Crackle original and mentions some of his favorite holiday movies.

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Movie Review: Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review: Part 4 - Initiation

Journal Entry #57: The hallucinations have begun. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s only in my mind. I fear that by the time help arrives I will be dead. Or worse - hopelessly lost in a delusion of my own making. What was that? Santa? Is that you…?

Day four brings us Initiation: Silent Night Deadly Night 4, a film which has ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CONNECTION TO THE FIRST THREE SAVE FOR A QUICK CLIP FROM #3 WHILE A CHARACTER WATCHES TV.

Fucking weak.

Basically the fourth movie in the series is all about girl power, witchcraft, and how useless men are except to be parasites to the goddess within all women.

Fucking weak. Well, at least the writers didn’t make them Satan worshippers. That’s something. Not much but it’s something.

Let’s break down the plot. Kim works at a newspaper but because she’s just a woman she doesn’t get to work on any big stuff. Well, she says fuck that and decides to get the scoop on the flaming woman who recently committed suicide. When she starts interviewing the locals about it, she meets Fima, the bookstore owner who is suspicious as fuck if you ask me. Which no one did. Moving on.

Kim keeps getting drugged by Fima and her female coven…I mean colleagues. I’m not sure why they feel the need for Kim to join their group other than she’s a chick and they don’t want her to continue being held down by The Man. Because boys are yucky and have cooties and are totally useless.

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Disney, 2016)

Kevin, Dalyn, Mandy, Leah and Handsome J discuss the latest movie in the Star Wars series and their experience in the brand new Phoenix area Alamo Drafthouse.

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Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review: Part 3

Okay. I'm more than halfway through this series now. Just two more to go. Somehow...that's not very comforting right now. Someone slap the shit out of me the next time I come up with another brilliant idea like this.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out (really?) at least begins with an interesting premise. Dr. Newbury is performing a dream study with a blind woman, Laura. May not seem all that unusual but here’s the twist - she’s psychic and the doc wants to see if she can link up with the comatose patient in the next room. Which happens to be our psycho from part 2, Ricky.

You may be wondering why he has a clear Tupperware bowl in place of a skull on his head (I know I was). Apparently after the shootout at the end of 2, they blew half his head off and had to reconstruct his brain. 

Um….no they didn’t. I just watched that fucking movie and that didn’t happen. But the writers needed a way to explain how the doctors had to restart his memories and give him an opening to link up with a psychic. 

Continuity, schmontinuity.

Laura does link up with Ricky though all the tells the doctor is that she just doesn’t want to do this anymore. He already knows, of course, so he uses reverse psychology on her to get her to keep going and OMG THERE’S MORE FUCKING CLIPS FROM THE FIRST MOVIE!!

Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review - PART 2

I think I may need to reevaluate my definition of lazy writing…

Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part 2 begins with Ricky, the younger brother of the serial killer Santa from the first film. He's in a mental institution and is awaiting yet another doctor’s evaluation/interview about what makes him so cuckoo for cocoa puffs. An orderly, with THE tightest white pants I’ve ever seen, eyes Ricky warily as the 13th psychiatrist sets up his recording equipment.

Ooooohhhh…number 13…..wwwOOOOOOOOOoooo!

Whatever.

Ricky recounts the events from that fateful night of his parents’ murders, something he couldn’t POSSIBLY remember as he was only 6 months old at the time. Even if Billy told him everything, there’s still NO WAY he could recount the same details. He also couldn't remember events that occurred between characters when Billy wasn’t even around! Or know the crap that went down at Billy’s job because HE NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO TELL RICKY ALL THAT BEFORE HE WAS SHOT AND KILLED.

Whatever. We need filler.

Movie Review: Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review

Again I have thrown myself into the series review ring. I did this for the Child's Play movies a little while back on another site (*cough cough* REVIEW WHORE *cough cough*) and had so much fun flogging myself for that little adventure that I want to do it again. But this time I chose a series because of the timeliness of its story elements - CHRISTMAS! And who doesn't love a good set of horror movies at this time of year? It can't be any worse than Aunt Gladys gumming your cheek as she slobbers all over you with holiday cheer.

I will review each of the 5 movies over the next 5 nights, taking us all the way to Christmas Eve. And my present to you Christmas morning will be to stop making you read these. There's enough sadness and stress during the holidays. 

You're welcome.

Our journey begins with Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984). Picture it - a young, happy couple with their two children driving across the countryside to visit Grandpa for Christmas. Granted, Pappy’s in a mental facility and just sits there, uncommunicative. That is until the folks leave the room and then he proceeds to scare the shit out of Billy by telling him Santa comes to punish all bad little boys and girls. Since Billy ain’t too sure he’s been good ALL year, Grandpa warns him he’ll have to RUN FOR HIS LIFE!!!

What the hell, grandpa?

Movie Review: The Orphan Killer (Blu-ray)

Reviewed By: James D.

The Orphan Killer is quite possibly one of the better slasher films in the indie market right now in terms of good gore and bloodshed. The kills and torture were really well done. The story focuses around Marcus, and his baby sister Audrey. When he was 6 and she was 2, their parents were killed when they got robbed. They were sent to a home, where Marcus took his parents death harder than she did. He acted out and got more violent. The nuns punished him by making where this old theater mask and treating him like some sort of freak. While Audrey found a home and a family, Marcus took it hard and vowed revenge on her.

My problems with this film are the pacing and the use of the flashbacks. You get a great kill and some adrenaline going, and they whip up this flashback that made no sense. The music in some scenes did not fit…I would have loved less music and more mood of the characters and their emotions, rather than loud music, or some female folk singer. The other negative, was the set up to the barb wire scene. Talk about something that was just dragged out getting to the point, and the conversation he has with his sister once he strings her up was just horrible.

Movie Review:The Ip Man Trilogy (Blu-ray)

Reviewed By:

James D.

I want to put the Ip Man right there with found footage films as a genre that should have stopped or died many years ago. I just feel from the first film, this was going to be a hard franchise. The second one proved my point, but thank god for the third one really living up to the hope that I had when I got into this trilogy. When anything gains any kind of fame, or a few pennies people want to keep on and on. As long as people keep buying into it, studios keep on blindly putting out more and more to meet the demand. I mean ideas like a Paranormal Activity and Ip man are so thin, that they do not have legs to continue to go on and on, but people keep on creating more and more sub stories off the original. The plot to this one is basically stale as he arrives to mainland China to try and re-establish himself after losing wealth to China being at war with Japan. Along the way in this boring story he is adopted by a group of students, they help him learn and he helps them deal with life and all that. The fights in this film are just the same old stuff you seen time and time again, they fight at times in this kinetic speed that feels like they are trying to speed them up to the point when you do not see half of what is going on. The acting in this film was fine, though at times it does go a bit cheesy dramatic that makes this film seem almost like it tried to be too deep, but have the shallowest of deliveries. 

The music in this film hurt the film the most, keep in mind I was watching this on blu ray with the surround sound on low, and it was still too loud, which hurts the dialogue at times also. This film I hope is the end of this franchise or film series however you look at it. I was a fan of a few of the films, but that was long ago, and today’s Ip man films feel more desperate than entertaining. This film is basically setting martial arts films back 80 years and unless you have to see it because you have watched all the others, I would say skip it.

Movie Review: Nightmare Sisters (1988, Vinegar Syndrome)

Directed by David DeCoteau

Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

Melody (Linnea Quigley in buck teeth), Mickey (Michelle Bauer in a fat suit) and Marci (Brinke Stevens all nerded out) are dorky sorority sisters who have the frat house to themselves for a weekend. Their solution? Invite some equally nerdy fraternity brothers for a house party!

Unfortunately, Marci has made a recent thrift score find with a cursed crystal ball that took the life of its previous owner, an accursed spiritual medium (Dukey Flyswatter of the notorious shock rock band Haunted Garage). The girls whip out said crystal ball for an impromptu séance and our transformed into glamorous, insatiable succubi – female demons who like nothing more than seducing males and then castrating them with their fangs! Things get complicated with the arrival of an exorcist (Jim Culver) to drive out the demons. Low-grade comedy hijinks ensue.

Movie Review: Uncle Nick (2016)

Christmas is supposed to be about the miraculous birth of Christ for Christian families all over the world. It's about giving for many others. Ads a mail carrier, it's about working miserable hours for a month, but that's just my issue. For many people, it can be about one thing year after year; family dysfunction.

Brian Posehn is Nick, an alcoholic loner in Cleveland who runs the landscaping business his late father left behind. He is getting ready to attend a family Christmas party at his baby brother's house. He doesn't respect his brother, who is basically a rich woman's (Paget Brewster) trophy husband. His only real motivation for attending is that he wants to hook up with his brother's college age step-daughter. In case you didn't guess it, Nick is a bit of a creep.

The party is also attended by Nick's goofy sister (Missi Pyle) and brother-in-law (Scott Adsit), who has a podcast about the Cleveland Indians. The World Series losers (sorry, I grew up in Chicago watching the Cubs) play a pivotal role in the movie. As the story moves along in chapters, each chapter is prefaced by a segment of a story told by Nick about an infamous Indians game at which the poorly attended team offered ten cent beers. The result was chaos, and Nick's story takes a similar path.

Movie Review: Both Ways (1975)

Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

Directed By Jerry Douglas

Can you really have it …? Apparently not, as this sexually confused semi-hardcore film unearthed by Vinegar Syndrome illustrates.

Donald Wyman (the very unappealing Gerald Grant, from Radley Metzger’s Score) and his wife Janet (disco songstress Andrea True, soon to rocket to one-hit wonder stardom with the dance ditty “More, More, More”) live a nice sheltered suburban existence in Connecticut with their spastic young son (Neil Scott). It’s not all on the up and up; their next door neighbors (Bill Morgan and Darby Lloyd Rains) throw swingers’ parties and Grant has a muscular Yale college student Gary (Dean Tait) as his deeply closeted gay love interest. Donald and Janet play the field while their dried-up old prune of a maid Pauline (Katherine Miles) looks on with disapproval.

Movie Review: The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Day three of the David Hayes Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza and we’re cooking with gas! Hopefully someone leaves the burner on and lights a smoke so I can blow the hell up and not watch anymore of this garbage.

On the third day of Christmas the Head Cheese gave to me three ghostly visits that caused me, within my pants, to pee.

Last night I was visited by three ghosts. The first was the Ghost of Jedi Past and he showed me the glory of the original Star Wars trilogy and I marveled, like in my youth, to the adventures of Luke and Leia and that weird incestuous thing they had going on. Then, merely an hour later, I was visited by the Ghost of Jedi Present and he showed me the horrible, computer-generated filth that passed for films as George Lucas perverted his legacy, ably aided by Jake Lloyd, with the ‘new’ trilogy. As I lay awake in bed, shuddering from fright with the voice of Jar Jar shrilly echoing in my head, another ghost entered my bed chamber. Hunkering below the covers, only peeking out of cat-killing curiosity, I noticed that this ghost was smaller than the rest. And it limped. This ghost also had a hunchback and a wheezing cough that punctuated each step. Unafraid of this new ghost, I threw off my blanket and confronted it. This… thing announced itself to be The Ghost of Jedi A Little After Past. I laughed, mocking it and calling it Quasi-Ghosto. As the retarded little thing grabbed my hand, though, my laughter turned into a scream. You see, gentle reader, this malformed, raised in a basement, step-child of a ghost was taking me on the scariest adventure yet. It took me to The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Buy The Star Wars Holiday Special on DVD!

The Orphan Killer Brings on the Gore Galore!

REEL GORE RELEASING presents the official release of Matt Farnsworth’s slasher movie THE ORPHAN KILLER on Blu-ray/DVD December 13, 2016

Los Angeles, CA (December 2016) For immediate release. Synopsis: The Orphan Killer is a tour de force murder flick that defies classification. It goes far beyond current trends in gore and breaks open a new suffering genre of horror. Marcus Miller is a serial murderer hell-bent on teaching his estranged sister Audrey what it means to have family loyalty. His lessons are taught in massive doses of vulgar and unimaginable pain. Throughout her brutal torture we learn that Marcus is not the only Miller with Killer in the bloodline as Audrey proves to be a formidable adversary. Starring: Diane Foster, David Bachhaus, Karen Young, James McCaffrey, Matt Farnsworth.

THE ORPHAN KILLER (Blu-ray/DVD Combo)

Price: $34.95

Street Date: December 13, 2016

Production Year: 2011

Country: USA

Film run time: Approx. 83 minutes

Language: English language with optional Spanish/French/Italian/Japanese subtitles

Aspect Ratio: 2.35:1 Widescreen Anamorphic

Audio: DTS-HD MA 5.1 Surround/Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo

Label/Distributor: Reel Gore Releasing/CAV

Catalog Number: RGR004

UPC: 881190600498

Rating: Not Rated

Movie Review: Dillinger (1973)

Directed by John Milius

Review by Greg Goodsell


Every bit as ruthless as the mobsters he swears he will kill in order to smoke cigars over their still warm corpses, Edgar G. Hoover right-hand man Melvin Purvis (Ben Jonson) sets his sights on bank robber John Dillinger (Warren Oates). Dillinger and his gangster cohorts Baby Face Nelson (Richard Dreyfuss) and Pretty Boy Floyd (Steve Kanaly). These hoodlums pose a massive threat to the security of Depression Era America in many several ways, Purvis notes in his ponderous narration. These criminals provide escapist copy for the garish tabloids, Purvis says, perhaps inspiring the poor-but-honest to leave their lives of quiet desperation to begin their own lives of crime. He vows to make sure that Dillinger and clan, after a shootout costing the lives of six government men, die in the most sordid and least romantic ways possible – fueling a cross-country manhunt with few survivors.

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Heroes vs Aliens Crossover (DC/CW, 2016)

Kevin breaks down the four part crossover between Supergirl, The Flash, Arrow and Legends of Tomorrow.

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DOUBLE FEATURE MOVIE REVIEW: Dead & Rotting (2002) and Stitches (2001)

The Powers That Be over at CHC must be slipping because this double feature DVD offered movies that actually weren’t that bad. I mean, I kind of liked them. I don’t think I know how to live right now…

The first film is Dead & Rotting. Three prankster buddies (read: douche nozzles) get a little hex put on them when they beat up the son, Pox, of a local witch, Abigail, after he eggs one of their trucks. Since they have the combined mentality of one 12 year old boy, they feel the need to retaliate. When the stoners they hire to break into the witch’s home end up BOILING HER FUCKING CAT (what the hell is wrong with these guys?), the three amigos end up with something a little more problematic on their hands than a simple hex. They incur the wrath of a very powerful sorceress who is about to seriously fuck their shit up but good.

Abigail performs a glamour spell to turn herself into a beautiful, young, big-tittied woman (Debbie Rochon) who seduces the three men in order to…well…let’s just say the unprotected sex between all of them gets her some fluids she needs to birth out ghouls. PLEASE DON’T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS.

(Side note: they’re all excited about having unprotected sex with some random chick who’s willing to fuck all of them in one night. Is that really a thing? Men are so stupid sometimes.)

The ghouls then do her bidding in capturing the three friends so she can get her revenge. 

Movie Review: The Passions of Carol (1975)

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