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September 10, 2013

Movie Review: Piranha-man Vs. Werewolf-man: Howl of the Piranha

This movie...I just can't...seriously, I lost enough IQ points watching this movie that it's difficult to...I'm at a loss...what a stupid poopy flick.

Our story centers around Lexi Glass (oy vey), a news reporter that first broke a terrifying story: two blonde women have been savagely murdered. Despite the fact that two does NOT make a pattern, she reports the women as victims of a serial killer and his "Baby Doll Murders". Never mind that's the most ridiculous name, considering the women aren't babies or dolls or look like either nor are babies and dolls left at the scenes. The witnesses she interviews on camera claim they heard howling, like a large dog or wolf, near the crime scenes.

Lexi’s boss accuses her of sensationalism (from a news reporter? The hell you say!) and gives the story to Dirty Diane. Can you guess why she has that nickname? *winkwink* Lexi is pissed but continues to follow the story and look for clues. During all of this, Lexi's dreams are quite disturbing: she is at each of crime scene and witnesses some kind of wolfman attacking the women. In between those gruesome visuals, she makes out with some random guy in the woods.

After a bunch of other people are murdered (not all perky blondes, by the way), Diane dons a blonde wig to bait the killer. When it works really really well, Lexi is there to report. Too bad the killer is still around because her cameraman is the next victim while Lexi passes out. In her unconscious state (which I realized it was after the back story is thrown up all over us), a man in a wrestler's mask explains her origins. Her father didn't die in a place crash! Her mother didn't die while birthing her! Her whole life has been a lie!

Lexi's dad was an asshat and coke fiend. When his wife kicks him out, he takes off in his plane but crash lands on an island. Coincidentally, a Russian sub crashes there, too, and leaks radioactive material. While Lexi's dad wanders for days with no food or water, we catch glimpses of some kind of beast - looks just like the wolfman that's killing people today. Huh.

Finally the dad finds some weird eggs (read: green olives covered in dirt) and after ten seconds of a heated inner debate, he eats them. I think somewhere in all of this he fights with the wolfbeast. Whatevs. He somehow returns home where his wife gladly welcomes him. Then he turns into a piranha and runs away.

Our masked "Dream Warden" as he calls himself explains that this wolf creature has been after Lexi all this time. She must learn to destroy in order to defeat it. But don't worry - she's been given a protector to keep her safe until she can fight the creature.

I just don't know. Seriously.

Lexi wakes up and heads home to ready herself. She finds her roommate dying in their living room. Turns out the roommate was her protector all along! As she lay dying, she tells Lexi to go back to Indiana, where she was born, to find her father. Lexi drives home, talks to a cranky lady in a $500,000 house who instructs her to talk to the local weirdo who lives up the block in a ramshackle shanty (through a wooded area that disappears from the background when she walks up to the rundown home). He denies knowing anything about her dad but Lexi doesn't believe him. She follows him and what I can only guess is this guy's slave or retarded brother to a small cave where we discover a piranha man!

Hey, that fish is my dad!

The men discover Lexi followed them and chase her down. Unfortunately for them, the wolfman thing leaps in out of nowhere and slaughters them. When it turns on her, her father breaks free of his chains and gives chase. Then Lexi's dream man shows up and they start making out while his voice over keeps saying they're the same (he and Lexi).

While they mack on each other, we are given the ultimate showdown between beasts. And by ultimate I mean obvious wrestlers in wolf and fish masks slapping each other around. But wait. The wolfman pulls out a gun and shoots piranha-man then eats him.

Here is when we get the last bit of exposition (thank the gods). Dream man explains to Lexi that yes, her mother died in child birth. It just wasn't her birth. It was his. They're siblings - he is the son of the wolf and she the daughter of the fish. Just accept it as destiny that he has to kill her or sex her up. It's not really clear. Lexi suddenly remembers the “training” her dream warden gave her and she slips a rope around dream man's neck and strangles him to death. The she breaks the fourth wall and shows us her green glowing piranha eyes.

The End.

In the name of all that is sacred who the hell thinks up this shit? I'm telling you the writers were taking acid while developing the story and continued to take it while filming. If the acting had been at least marginal or it didn't look like they got the creature masks from the dollar store, even if the story development had been coherent in ANY way I would have enjoyed this film. Sure, there are a lot of elements going on like they were trying to design an intricate puzzle that needed solving (like the DaVinci Code but without the intricacy or design or puzzle). But it ended up being a chaotic clusterfuck. And that's a selling point they use in the trailer, for fuck's sake!

Well, perhaps it did have the puzzle element because I can’t quite figure out why the hell this movie was ever made.

0 (out of 5) Hatchets

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