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September 23, 2013

Movie Review: Everyone Must Die (2012)

If the title of this movie refers to those responsible for its creation, then yes, I wholeheartedly concur (those people being mostly Steve Rudzinski and Derek Rothermund, co-writers, with Steve also directing, and both of them acting).

In EMD, a seemingly unkillable killer is hacking and slashing his (or her) way across the country. When he (or she) kills Kyle's sister, Kyle demands satisfaction. When the police prove less than helpful, and hardly intelligible, Kyle vows to catch this killer on his own. Even though his sister's boyfriend ran over the psycho’s face with a lawn mower, Kyle just knows the killing isn't over.

With a conveniently helpful exposition scene, the local news reporter explains that the high body count tallying up across the country is the dirty work of the same person who killed Kyle's sister. And this nut job will keep killing even if he (or she) has been chopped into hamburger.

After a handful of campers are murdered (see, the killer is still out there!), Kyle believes that by eavesdropping on a couple of guys babbling about a party filled with booze and sex he will find the perfect melting pot of victims just ripe for the picking by our whackadoodle killer. And wouldn't you know it, he's right! He swoops in to save one of the gals, taking a machete to the chest for his trouble, and then they lock themselves in the house for protection. Too bad all their cell phones are outside and there's no land line. Doh!

Some other stuff happens (yawn), more people die (whatevs), but dammit if Kyle doesn't get his revenge! Or does he? DUN DUN DUN!!!

This movie is one of those "oh, what a twist" stories where we're all supposed to be  shocked and amazed when the reveal is, um, revealed. But unless you've never seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Hills Have Eyes or Scream or a handful of Criminal Minds episodes or a dozen other movies, it's really not that shocking. You'll also figure out the twist simply from the editing, or lack thereof.

The writing is terrible, though I did chuckle twice at some 'funny' dialogue. The scenes never felt connected but more like the random bits of debris I find at the bottom of my purse. I didn't enjoy any of the acting, either. Sometimes I find one or two characters worth watching, or at least see the potential in the actors portraying them. Nope, not this time. Perhaps Derek and Steve should concentrate on one aspect of the movie business (writing OR directing OR acting) instead of trying to be renaissance men and mucking up the whole water works.

0 hatchets (out of 5)

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