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June 20, 2014

Movie Review: Jesus, The Total Douchebag (2012)

This is a first for me, folks. I know I haven’t been reviewing movies for Cinema Head Cheese for all that long (just over a year) so there are still going to be a lot of flicks out there that will disgust me, bore me, make me die a little inside. But as of June 19, 2014, one day before my 45th birthday, I quit on a movie only 45 minutes in (hmmm...45 years, 45 minutes, interesting coinkeedink). I’m ashamed that I wasn’t stronger, ashamed that I didn’t have the mental fortitude to tough it out. Perhaps, though, I will be able to save one of you from a future of darkness and despair that will be sure to follow anyone who watches this brain-sucking project.

Director and star, Bill Zebub (I shit you not), brings us Jesus, The Total Douchebag. It’s an overreaching, try-too-hard-because-I-want-people-to-think-I’m-edgy satire about Jesus, God, and all religion in general. I hate to break it to you, Bill, but you are neither original nor interesting with this theme. Atheism and agnosticism is what all the cool kids are playing at and you come off as the hipster wanna-be at the tail end of the skinny jeans and beard trend.

The opening credits roll with the backdrop of a bunch of Barbie dolls crucified on sticks while a Rasputin Ken doll fingers, sodomizes, and otherwise violates them. When Jesus doll gives a blow job to another crucified male doll (it could even have been a crucified Jesus), walks on water, and is then eaten by a shark, my mind began to tune out. I wish it had shut down completely before the Nazi space ship, the SS Enterprise, wobbled across the screen.

And it all goes downhill from there. I can’t tell you what the entire movie is about because I couldn't finish it. What I witnessed was just a bunch of scenes edited with a hacksaw and glued back together with vomit, feces, and the words ‘nigger’ and ‘faggot’. I can’t even say it was poorly acted because there was seriously NO ACTING INVOLVED. Characters, and I use that term loosely, simply spit out their lines and let them dribble down their chins.

When you have to work this hard to suck (no pun EVER intended with this pile of tripe), then the only thing I can do it burn this fucking DVD. I could not possibly live with myself if I allowed this copy to fall into anyone else’s hands.

Thankfully, no one will be able to watch THIS copy. Ever. Again.

5 middle fingers to the eye (out of 5) and DVD burning.

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