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July 25, 2017

Movie Review: 9 Days: Whipped, Chained, and Tortured by a Psychopath (2013)

All righty, folks. On to the next DVD in the stack. Let’s see here. Brought to you by Chemical Burn Entertainment…
Oh, fuck my life.
This next little slice of excrement was written, directed, produced, edited, additionally photographed by one fucking guy, Samuel M. Johnson. I know nothing about him or what’s about to go down but being distributed by Chemical Burn is a HUGE strike against him/this movie.

Funded by Kickstarter…

Oh, Fuck My Life.

9 Days: Whipped, Chained, and Tortured by a Psychopath (I shit you not) is a unique (read: not at all) tale about Virgil who kidnaps and tortures young women to make them worthy of asking God for forgiveness. They must evolve beyond victim into the aggressor and then move on before they are complete. Inspired by Dante’s Inferno…


Here are the basics, folks. Virgil chains his victims up in his basement in a house out in the middle of nowhere. For 9 days he puts them through various tests and, depending on how the ladies perform, rewards or punishes them. Basically each one has to go through rebellion then acceptance then growth then enlightenment. So they either learn to say ‘please’, ‘you’re right’, ‘thank you, sir, may I have another’ or they go mad and/or die.

Virgil’s latest victim, Danielle, is a bit tougher of a nut to crack than all the others. Though young (I think she’s supposed to be 18 but she looks 30) she’s already been through some Hell. Could be why she’s resistant to Virgil’s programming.

What do you think, folks? Does Danielle make it through the 9 days with her psyche in tact? Does she become a convert or finally succumb to one of Virgil’s horrific tests?


There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza.

I really have to say there are only two things I liked about his film: one is the jaunty little tune that’s played throughout (I can’t tell what language it is but it could be Russian, maybe Eastern European - they never credit the song so I can’t be sure); two is Chris Schleicher who plays Virgil. Once we get past the opening scene and he doesn’t have to hide Virgil’s true nature, he’s actually fun to watch. When he’s trying to be normal, Virgil is way too over the top and we know he’s trying too hard. It's super annoying. But once his real personality shows up, he’s much more believable.

That’s about it. The sound is terrible; acting terrible (except Chris, mostly); dialogue (all together now) terrible; story line trite. It looks better than most indie films but that’s not enough. They should also be a little tighter about filming scenes and NOT having the equipment person’s legs in the shot. Kinda ruins …well, something that was already bad but you know what I mean.

Not sure why this is described as comedy (it’s not funny) or romance (it’s not romantic) or even horror (it’s more thriller than anything) on IMDB or why Chemical Burn says it’s done in the same torture porn manner as Hostel (it’s not gross enough for that). Chris has done some other acting and a lot of writing on projects so go seek him out. But otherwise…leave this movie off your must-see list.

1/2 a Hatchet (out of 5)

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