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September 21, 2018

Movie Review: Singularity (2017)

Okay, Moyers. I’m drunk and ready to view this movie. It better be as terrible as you said.

(SPOILERS AHOY because, basically, I can’t be bothered to filter through the entirety of this shitsack to protect you from ruining the story - you’ll thank me later. Oh yes, you’ll thank me.)

Singularity is about VA Industries, which creates a bunch of robots for human use (read: military) to stop all wars. Riiiiiight. Trouble is, the CEO of VA, Elias Van Dorne (John Cusak) has a breakthrough: Kronos. Kronos is Van Dorne’s AI creation that will save humanity from itself. Riiiiiiight.

Eventually, Kronos realizes that humanity can go eat a bag of dicks and, therefore, must destroy it, so the world will have a better chance of survival. After Elias downloads himself and his bro into Kronos, making the most awkward three-way EVAR, Kronos kills everyone.

Well, almost everyone. 97 years later... As in every single other man-vs-machine film, there are small bands of survivors scrabbling out a living, killing each other to steal supplies, or trying to reach Aurora, the last stronghold of humans that aren’t total dick knockers.

Andrew (a character we met went all this shit went down 97 years ago - I know, just wait) wakes up in an unknown building, completely freaked out, and crosses paths with Calia, a young woman trying to find Aurora. Though he has no idea what’s going on and is so obviously not from around here, she trusts him for some odd reason, and travels with him to find the human haven.

Eventually we find out (via ALL CALIA’S FUCKING NARRATION) Andrew is not Andrew. His mind belongs to the kid we met at the beginning, but it’s been put into an artificial body. He honestly BELIEVES he’s human, which is why Calia didn't realize it right away (she needs one of those dogs from Terminator.) Andrew was programmed to fit in with humanity in order to suss out Aurora so Kronos can obliterate it.

That's bad touch, Mom. BAD TOUCH!

He’s recaptured by VA, and his programming is fucked with a bit more, so he’ll target Calia and maybe force her to give up Aurora’s location. But once she kisses him, his programming glitches and...fuck, who cares? Anyone watch Divergent? Same thing, when Four is ‘programmed’ to kill Tris. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Let’s wrap up this abortion, shall we? Aurora isn’t a city, it’s a planet. And Tris and Four....I mean, Calia and Andrew, hijack a spaceship and blast off toward a planet that looks suspiciously like Earth. But don’t worry - Kronos is hot on their asses so it can destroy the last remnant of humanity from the galaxy.


I almost didn’t believe Kevin when he posted on FB about how awful this film is. He basically dared me to watch it, hoping I’d rip it apart. Though my brain urged me to RUN AWAY RUN AWAY, my heart and gut said the same, but what do they know?

Quick and dirty analysis: It’s like I, Robot, Divergent, Hunger Games, Terminator, and every other dystopian trope that’s ever existed, fucked over a long weekend in some abandoned, haunted psychiatric hospital, and birthed a bastard offspring that was raised by inbred halfwits in the mountains of Virginia.

That is not hyperbole. I’m not kidding. Really. This is not my jokey face.


So trite; so boring; so ridiculous; so inconsistent; so unbelievable (and I mean the characters and their actions, not the AI because that shit’s coming for us all, people...); so much exposition - seriously, I never had to watch the screen because Calia pretty much narrates half the film, or has to explain to Andrew what the fuck is going on in the world; so much story that made absolutely no sense.

John Cusak is probably one of my all-time favorite actors, but I just can’t figure out why he did this film. He doesn’t even have that much screen time, considering his character CREATED the gods damned AI that’s destroying the world and monitoring everything that’s going on. He’s got his virtual fingers in everyone’s virtual pies but that’s okay, let’s get back to Calia being groped by a smudgy, sweaty, band of rogues ‘cause women folk is awfully sparse these days and ain’t no POH-lice to tell me I can’t fiddle their bits when I want to.

Terrible, awful, no good, very bad film that should never have seen the light of day. In fact, whoever had the idea to chop out good bits from other films and sew them together to create an amalgamation that would make Dr. Frankenstein shake his head in dismay, and the person who green-lit the whole project, should be marooned on a desert island with only each other’s shitty ideas to keep them company. Well, maybe a Kraken can come visit from time to time and slime them, then they’ll know how the rest of us feel after watching their monstrosity of a movie.

5 Middle Fingers to the Eye (out of 5)

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