Movie Review: Singularity (2017)

Okay, Moyers. I’m drunk and ready to view this movie. It better be as terrible as you said.

(SPOILERS AHOY because, basically, I can’t be bothered to filter through the entirety of this shitsack to protect you from ruining the story - you’ll thank me later. Oh yes, you’ll thank me.)

Singularity is about VA Industries, which creates a bunch of robots for human use (read: military) to stop all wars. Riiiiiight. Trouble is, the CEO of VA, Elias Van Dorne (John Cusak) has a breakthrough: Kronos. Kronos is Van Dorne’s AI creation that will save humanity from itself. Riiiiiiight.

Eventually, Kronos realizes that humanity can go eat a bag of dicks and, therefore, must destroy it, so the world will have a better chance of survival. After Elias downloads himself and his bro into Kronos, making the most awkward three-way EVAR, Kronos kills everyone.

Well, almost everyone. 97 years later... As in every single other man-vs-machine film, there are small bands of survivors scrabbling out a living, killing each other to steal supplies, or trying to reach Aurora, the last stronghold of humans that aren’t total dick knockers.

Movie Review: The New Barbarians (1983, Blu-ray)

The premise of this film sounded a lot like that stinker I reviewed a month or so ago - Escape from the Bronx. And what’s this? The same guys who wrote that wrote this? Which is also a dystopian future? And bad guys are running around killing people? And it’s filled with Italian actors and terribleness?

Way to raise the bar for yourselves, guys.

The New Barbarians (as opposed to the old kind?) takes place in 2019. A nuclear war has decimated the country and the population. Small bands of people try to survive on what they can scrounge in this wasteland while searching for signs that civilization still exists elsewhere via large and over-complicated ham radios.

Cue The Templars, a group of thieving Mad Max wannabes in Xanadu costumes. They believe the world is dead and any survivors they find deserve to die. You know, after taking all their shit. And they don’t just kill people. They have dirt bikes and sand rails equipped with bazookas, flamethrowers, and rotating blades! They will purify the world with blood! Just not their own…

We then meet Scorpion, a former Templar, now loner bad-ass. When he saves Alma, she of the thigh high boots and no pants (because Future Fashion sense) from a Templar attack, word gets back to their leader, One, who wants to take some serious revenge out on Scorpion’s hide. Alma just wants to give him her goodies in his light up inflatable bouncy house (aka tent).