And if you don’t know what Tubi is, why are you even here? You’re obviously not one of us. Off you must fuck.
DISCLAIMER: I decided to just highlight Tubi because after watching nine films, I wanted to set myself on fire. Ain’t no way I can watch the twenty offerings remaining on Tubi, let alone manage everything else on Prime, Shudder, YouTube, and Netfl…well, maybe not Netflix.
Do. Better. Netflix. (But don’t get rid of your Korean dramas, I beg you.)
Holiday Hell
A woman goes into a curio shop to find a Christmas gift for her sister.
The shopkeeper regales her with the terrifying tales of different items.
Jeffrey Combs. That’s it. That’s the only reason you need to go watch this. Do it. NOW. Seriously, this is the best film on the list and has a nice, if not predictable, little twist at the end.
A movie of found footage from a paranormal investigative crew in a
supposedly haunted house.
Nothing new here. The origin story is about a pair of twin boys who fought over an Andy Elf doll, a doll that possesses whoever touches it and brings a bad fate, and one boy ends up dead. Terrible acting. Cheap effects for camera footage. Don’t worry about blinking and missing something because there’s nothing subtle here. It’s like Ghost Adventures up in this bitch, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.
Years ago a psycho killed a bunch of people he thought didn’t celebrate Christmas
the right way. After his execution, his grieving widow puts his soul into
a Christmas tree. Now he can continue his murder spree and finally kill the one
that got away.
Just terrible; goofy special f/x; incredibly thin plot. Everything is awful.
Three titty women become stranded in a snowstorm and take shelter in a
mansion owned by a creepy old dude. He shares a plethora of terrifying tales
with them, twelve to be exact.
The creepy old man, Ignacio Harrington (great name), is a fun character and the actor is fantastic. The three women can’t act for shit and the one who plays Christine looks like she has pink eye. It’s very distracting. But this is a most egregious self-service “film.” The twelve tales are basically trailers or snippets from eleven different Full Moon features, and the twelfth slay was the three women turning into monsters and killing the old man. Ooops, spoiler alert. This was a trailer compilation disguised as an anthology. As much as I love Charles Band, I was kinda mad when I finished this up. Luckily, it’s only forty minutes.
Two sisters visiting Europe during Christmas time cross paths with Sister
Krampus, bride to the horrifying anti-Claus.
The nun gets involved with Krampus after Mother Superior kicks her out of the convent for DARING to be raped by American Soldiers (during WW2). In the present day she binds herself to one of the sisters. Not really sure why but do I care? No. Should anyone? Also no. The only important part is that after destroying the nun, Krampus is so relieved to be rid of the bitch that he restores life to murdered loved ones of the women who helped him out.
I just…ugh.
Masked killer Sammy the Elf kills all the naughty folks in a small town
during the holidays.
Sammy the Elf is pretty damned creepy and I loved the practical effects for the kills. But the end…whaaaa?
A novelist visiting her family at Christmas becomes reacquainted with a
mysterious Nutcracker doll with a mind and agenda of its own.
Okay, the “doll” is actually a 6’ figure. Who the fuck has a 6-foot tall Nutcracker in their house? The characters are poorly written; the story is the most convoluted bullshit ever. However, points for practical effects and a literal nutcracker death. But Patrick Bergen…what the fuck happened to you that you’re involved with this pile of shit?
The husband half of a bickering couple, traveling to a family gathering,
teases his wife with stories about the legend of a backwoods killer Santa.
While I can appreciate the tales about Santa’s murder spree being shown instead of told, the acting is awful, obligatory nudity tiresome, and the back and forth from the stories to the couple driving gets boring after a while. There is SO MUCH FUCKING FILLER in every scene. This could have been thirty minutes shorter. In fact, it should never have existed at all.
The still alive but burned Psycho Santa from part 1 returns to kill
everyone. Or something. I JUST CAN’T. You’re on your own to watch this one.
Five years after a Christmas Eve massacre destroyed a small community, the
murderer returns. But someone is ready for him.
Not really ground breaking stuff going on here but the acting is better than most everything else on this list. I have to admit to really digging the characters of Crandle (who was on scene for the original massacre five years prior) and Jordan (the new security guard with a secret – or not really; it’s kind of obvious actually.)
All righty. That’s all I could handle this time around. Maybe I’ll try to
do this every year but spread it out over a few weeks so I don’t need to get
blackout drunk in order to survive with my sanity intact. But I’ve linked the trailers
for the capsules and for each offering in the list below.
Chrismassacre (no trailer available)
Santa Claws (couldn't find a trailer for this - it's from 1996 if that helps!)
All the Creatures Were Stirring
Bunch of Riff Trax: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians; Magic ChristmasTree; Santa Claus; Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
*These are actually very well done films, or so bad they’re highly
entertaining, so I do recommend you watch them.
