I’m trying to get an earlier start on some holiday horror flicks this year. The idea is to flog myself for three solid weeks instead of binging a bunch of crap over a couple days, like I did for 2023. I’m aiming for three separate posts - one for each streaming service I have (Tubi, Prime, and Shudder.) I’m sure there are more services I can access but let’s be real. Three is too much anyway!
Caveat: I won’t review anything I’ve already seen or reviewed before. I’m trying to hit the flicks that are new, or new to me. I’ll most likely leave a handful out because they were murder mysteries (crime spree/detective/thriller) shoehorned into the Christmas holiday.
This is my article. I do what I want.
TUBI
Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas in the Dark! (2020)
Newly released from prison, Casey plans to take a train out of his
hometown to get a fresh start. Unfortunately, there is a group of criminals,
and their killer raccoons, on the train with other ideas.
Apparently this is a parody of Dark Siege and Speed 2. If you say so…
As is expected from an indie horror/comedy, the acting is less
than stellar; special effects belong on the short bus; the humor is juvenile.
Now I’m the first to admit I’m secretly a 12-year-old boy. But when every line
of dialogue (AND I MEAN EVERY LINE) has some kind of joke or double entendre or
nudgenudgewinkwink in it, the “humor” dissipates very quickly – like a fart in
the wind.
I did like the actor who played Casey, though – Yang Miller. And
if you like cameos from one of the porn industry’s highly prolific sexual
predators, then you’ll love this.
I did discover that this movie has similar or the same characters
from 2005’s Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night! So I guess it’s
kind of a sequel, however unnecessary.
Santastein (2023)
One Christmas, little Max Causey accidentally kills Santa. Twelve
years later, he perfects a method that will raise him from the dead!
Like the name implies, he’s taking parts from a bunch of bodies
and Frankensteining a new Santa. And to guarantee it IS Santa, Max kept Santa’s
brain. From twelve years prior. In a jar. Uh, okay…
While the sound is unbalanced, the cinematography is a thousand
times better than the last flick. There are some great kills, honestly chilling
moments, and gory goopy practical effects. Lots of fun.
A stranger, Geoff, shows up to a family’s home under the guise of
a disabled car. But it turns out he wants to make the next great Christmas
classic movie. It’s a found footage/SOV type of anthology film. And the
stranger shows a handful of tapes to the family, hoping to inspire the aspiring
daughter filmmaker-to-be.
Geoff is played by none other than Greg Sestero (oh, HAI Mark.) His
acting is a little stilted but not bad. He plays four tapes for the family:
1. A
travel vlogging couple summons a German scarecrow (very Blair Witch vibes.)
2. Dad
making a vlog about being boxed up like a gift to be delivered to his kids by
“Santa” and “Mrs. Claus.” Unfortunately, Santa originally worked for the Dad
and got fired. As you might imagine, he’s not too happy about it.
3. Guy
applies to a dating app then wakes up a prisoner to an unknown captor who’s put
a chip in his head to get him to do what he wants. Very VR game visuals. And it’s
SOOOPER SHORT.
4. Couple
filming themselves as they move into their new home. But they’re not alone – a haunted
Santa figurine wreaks havoc and they hire a paranormal investigator, who is an
absolute HOOT (played by Dave Sheridan, he of Special Officer Doofy from Scary
Movie fame.)
Geoff ends his terrorizing evening by giving the Santa figurine
to the captive family.
(*clapboard smack* FIN)
A Christmas Slay (2015)
Santa obsessed psycho killer escapes from a local hospital and
attacks a group of young people in a remote lodge.
Loved the practical effects. The film is filled with standard
tropes, and it does drag quite a bit from time to time. I adored the psycho
Santa, played by Frank Jakeman, who is a little cutie patootie IMHO. Not so
original twist ending, though.
Once upon a Time at Christmas (2017)
A psychotic couple, dressed as Mr. and Mrs. Claus, go on a murder
spree.
Acting is a mixed bag. The crazy couple look pretty good but
someone wanted to emulate Harley Quinn in Mrs. Claus’s hairstyle. Kinda pulled
me out of the movie a bit.
Again, the cinematography is surprisingly good for an indie film,
though it mostly consists of a ton of overhead shots. The blood CGI was total
crap but the practical effects weren’t so bad.
The best thing, though, was the motivation or reasoning behind the
killing spree. Hilarious and kinda clever. I won’t spoil it, though!
Nights Before Christmas (2019)
A four-years-later sequel to OUaTaC, the same murderous holiday
couple run around killing people. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Basically the same critique as the first movie. They didn’t
change a lot of the formula/tropes, except for the motivation. If you see the
first movie, you don’t really need to watch this one.
If those little nuggets intrigue you enough to head over to Tubi (what is WRONG with you?) here’s a list of a bunch of other flicks you can watch there, too. Again, I’ve either reviewed these, seen them, or just overwhelmed myself with too much crap for one week and couldn’t bring myself to watch any more.
Down the Chimney with a Shotgun*
Christmas Blood (Juleblod)
ALL the indie Krampus crap (like Mother Krampus 1 and 2, Krampus:Origins, blah blah blah)
Good Tidings (this was more thriller pretending to be a slasher
but not a bad flick)
*I do want to watch these but I’ll save those for just regular
viewing another time.
Tubi is free, so head over there and indulge. If you dare…
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