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December 21, 2024

Christmas Capsule Reviews 2024 - Part III

Posted by PeggyC

Well, hot damn, I did it. I set out to write up three lists of capsule reviews of the Christmas horror flicks streaming on the services I can access and here we are on list 3. Now, I didn’t watch EVERY available flick on each platform because, let’s be honest. I don’t have the patience for that shit. Plus I’ve already seen a bunch and didn’t want to revisit them here.

This list includes the movies you can watch on SHUDDER.

Carnage for Christmas 2024 (A transgender holiday film - that was specifically noted on the opening title card so I figured I’d mention it)
A true crime podcaster returns home for Christmas and gets wrapped up in the tale of a historic murderer who may have returned.

Kind of a standard trope of a story line. Nothing innovative. The acting is less than stellar except for the actress playing the podcaster, Lola. A lot of the murders and some flashback scenes are edited with artsy lighting and flashing/color changing lights. Which just infuriates me to no end (if you’re not new here, you should not be surprised but this.) And while the practical blood/gore effects are appreciated, they are terribly cheap and cheesy looking. You’re not missing much if you skip this one.

Christmas Bloody Christmas 2022
A local toy store’s robotic Santa goes haywire and starts killing everyone.

So apparently these Mall Santas are being replaced with robots built with military grade technology. But…why though? That makes no sense. The acting is better than most indie films for sure. And the kills are pretty freaking epic, practical effects and everything. But it does take a while to get there. About 30 minutes before the first kill. Some of the banter between the two main characters drags on too long and then the final boss fight is basically a rip off of The Terminator. This really could have been better as a short film.

It’s a Wonderful Knife 2023
After saving her town from a psycho killer a year earlier, Winnie finds herself in a parallel universe where, without her, things are much worse.

Kind of interesting spin on “It’s a Wonderful Life” story but much darker. High production and better acting in this. A few more recognizable name actors in this, too. I didn’t realize that going in. Justin Long was excellent! Not sure they fully explained how this alternate reality was possible because the whole implied control or something but whatevs, I guess. Or how a character from the alternate reality could remember the alternate reality once back in the regular timeline…again, whatevs. Still pretty enjoyable.

The Christmas Spirit 2023
A man has a the Spirit of Christmas trapped in his head ever since his sister’s death 20 years prior. He must kidnap a teen girl and sacrifice her in order to save Christmas.

I liked the idea of the story even though the execution kinda missed the mark. I fast-forwarded through a lot of this to just get it moving. And the climax was taking WAY to long (amirite, ladies?) But the acting is decent, the practical effects are fun, and it did get me crying at one point. So it must have plucked at least one good heart string.

The other flicks available on Shudder are:

A Creature was Stirring
Rare Exports
“A Ghost Story for Christmas”Looks like a series but not sure if they’re all Christmas related or not
Body
Day of the Beast
The Gingerdead Man
I Trapped the Devil
The Sacrifice Game
Black Christmas (OG)
SNDN 2
Holidays
Apology
A Christmas Horror Story
The Advent Calendar
All The Creatures Were Stirring
Creepshow Holiday Special
Bunch of JoeBob stuff
Deadly Games
Christmas Presence

So there you have it. 2024’s Christmas Horror offerings (on just a few of the streaming services available.) Maybe next year I’ll just pick one service and watch everything there, or just keep doing reviews this way. I guess we’ll find out in 2025.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and happy new year!

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December 23, 2023

Christmas Horror Capsule Reviews

Posted by PeggyC

I realize there are more holiday movies to watch than I could fully analyze. So I thought it might be fun to do capsule reviews of holiday horrors that are available on streaming services. Obviously, I don’t have access to all of them so let’s hit up what’s on Tubi.

And if you don’t know what Tubi is, why are you even here? You’re obviously not one of us. Off you must fuck.

DISCLAIMER: I decided to just highlight Tubi because after watching nine films, I wanted to set myself on fire. Ain’t no way I can watch the twenty offerings remaining on Tubi, let alone manage everything else on Prime, Shudder, YouTube, and Netfl…well, maybe not Netflix.

Do. Better. Netflix. (But don’t get rid of your Korean dramas, I beg you.)

Annyeonghaseyo

Holiday Hell

A woman goes into a curio shop to find a Christmas gift for her sister. The shopkeeper regales her with the terrifying tales of different items.

Jeffrey Combs. That’s it. That’s the only reason you need to go watch this. Do it. NOW. Seriously, this is the best film on the list and has a nice, if not predictable, little twist at the end.

Hell on the Shelf

A movie of found footage from a paranormal investigative crew in a supposedly haunted house.

Nothing new here. The origin story is about a pair of twin boys who fought over an Andy Elf doll, a doll that possesses whoever touches it and brings a bad fate, and one boy ends up dead. Terrible acting. Cheap effects for camera footage. Don’t worry about blinking and missing something because there’s nothing subtle here. It’s like Ghost Adventures up in this bitch, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.

The Killing Tree

Years ago a psycho killed a bunch of people he thought didn’t celebrate Christmas the right way. After his execution, his grieving widow puts his soul into a Christmas tree. Now he can continue his murder spree and finally kill the one that got away.

Just terrible; goofy special f/x; incredibly thin plot. Everything is awful.

It really is

The 12 Slays of Christmas

Three titty women become stranded in a snowstorm and take shelter in a mansion owned by a creepy old dude. He shares a plethora of terrifying tales with them, twelve to be exact.

The creepy old man, Ignacio Harrington (great name), is a fun character and the actor is fantastic. The three women can’t act for shit and the one who plays Christine looks like she has pink eye. It’s very distracting. But this is a most egregious self-service “film.” The twelve tales are basically trailers or snippets from eleven different Full Moon features, and the twelfth slay was the three women turning into monsters and killing the old man. Ooops, spoiler alert. This was a trailer compilation disguised as an anthology. As much as I love Charles Band, I was kinda mad when I finished this up. Luckily, it’s only forty minutes.

Sister Krampus

Two sisters visiting Europe during Christmas time cross paths with Sister Krampus, bride to the horrifying anti-Claus.

The nun gets involved with Krampus after Mother Superior kicks her out of the convent for DARING to be raped by American Soldiers (during WW2). In the present day she binds herself to one of the sisters. Not really sure why but do I care? No. Should anyone? Also no. The only important part is that after destroying the nun, Krampus is so relieved to be rid of the bitch that he restores life to murdered loved ones of the women who helped him out.

I just…ugh.

He Knows

Masked killer Sammy the Elf kills all the naughty folks in a small town during the holidays.

Sammy the Elf is pretty damned creepy and I loved the practical effects for the kills. But the end…whaaaa?

Nutcracker Massacre

A novelist visiting her family at Christmas becomes reacquainted with a mysterious Nutcracker doll with a mind and agenda of its own.

Okay, the “doll” is actually a 6’ figure. Who the fuck has a 6-foot tall Nutcracker in their house? The characters are poorly written; the story is the most convoluted bullshit ever. However, points for practical effects and a literal nutcracker death. But Patrick Bergen…what the fuck happened to you that you’re involved with this pile of shit?

Psycho Santa

The husband half of a bickering couple, traveling to a family gathering, teases his wife with stories about the legend of a backwoods killer Santa.

While I can appreciate the tales about Santa’s murder spree being shown instead of told, the acting is awful, obligatory nudity tiresome, and the back and forth from the stories to the couple driving gets boring after a while. There is SO MUCH FUCKING FILLER in every scene. This could have been thirty minutes shorter. In fact, it should never have existed at all.

Psycho Santa 2

The still alive but burned Psycho Santa from part 1 returns to kill everyone. Or something. I JUST CAN’T. You’re on your own to watch this one.

Cocktails engaged…

Slayed

Five years after a Christmas Eve massacre destroyed a small community, the murderer returns. But someone is ready for him.

Not really ground breaking stuff going on here but the acting is better than most everything else on this list. I have to admit to really digging the characters of Crandle (who was on scene for the original massacre five years prior) and Jordan (the new security guard with a secret – or not really; it’s kind of obvious actually.)

All righty. That’s all I could handle this time around. Maybe I’ll try to do this every year but spread it out over a few weeks so I don’t need to get blackout drunk in order to survive with my sanity intact. But I’ve linked the trailers for the capsules and for each offering in the list below.